Whiskey and Cigarettes

Monday, January 10, 2011

Once I was home from the hospital, Danny mumbled a 'see you later' in my direction before leaving the house. He was still upset that I hadn't jumped for joy over seeing a psychiatrist. The guys stayed around to hang out, and I assume, to keep an eye on me. I stayed in my room, listening to the low rumble of my friends talk in the living room. I didn't know what they were saying, but it was probably about me. Quickly, I had fallen asleep in bed feeling emotionally and physically exhausted.

Danny didn't come over Saturday nor Sunday. He didn't call to ask how I was doing or even to say hi. He was avoiding me. Or at least I thought. It felt like my world was all of the sudden turned upside down. My emotions were tore up. I was grouchy one second, the next I loved everyone, the next I just wanted to sleep. But all I really wanted was Danny to come over and tell me he loved me. It was pathetic.

I didn't have another panic attack, but I refused to leave the house. Coming from a family where every single family member has depression, I knew what was going on. But for some reason, I denied it and didn't want to face it. I thought if Danny would just talk to me, everything would be alright.

Monday night, he finally came over. I was sitting at the table, typing an email to my aunt on my laptop, and Lux had already left for work. The door opened and closed quietly. I had assumed it was Rex coming over early for our date we made for later.

"Hey Rex," I mumbled, not taking my eyes away from the screen. "I'll be done in a moment."

"Bay," Danny spoke, sitting in the chair next to me. My eyes trailed first from where his fingertips touched mine to his beautiful blue eyes.

"Danny," I mouthed, not sure if any noise and actually came out.

"We leave for tour tomorrow," He stated as his fingers laced with mine. I nodded, not really sure what to say. We sat there for a few minutes just staring at each other, holding hands, before he spoke up again. "Are you going to be okay while I'm away?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Bay," His voice was stern, as if I was a dog, and he was telling me to sit. "I know something hasn't been right. Talk to me. Talk to someone."

"You haven't exactly been here the past few days," I spat out with more intensity than I had meant.

"I know. I've been packing and getting ready for the tour." He gave me an apologetic look. "And I've been thinking about you."

"What about me?"

"I just want you to be okay."

I didn't respond. My mind began twisting into several different directions, and I massaged my fingers against my forehead. There was so many thoughts running through my mind that I couldn't even decipher one from the other, nor did I have time to before Danny interrupted me.

"I think you should go see the psychiatrist."

I bit my lip, looking him in the eye, and lied. "I will go."

A smile broke out across his lips, and it tore me into, knowing that I would not be able to keep that promise.