Whiskey and Cigarettes

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Danny was going to be gone for three months touring the United States. I became so completely withdrawn from the world by the end of the first month that I lost my job, Lux and Rex made it a daily habit to check up on me, and my cat even seemed worried. I rarely left my bed, felt no reason to do my laundry, or even shower. The only time I ate was when Lux would shove a banana or strawberries in my face just to get me to eat. I was almost positive I lost 15 pounds, but I never felt like looking in a mirror, so I could only tell by how loose my pajama bottoms were.

Danny would call when he could, not that I entertained him with a good conversation. He'd ask how my therapy was going, and I'd lie, saying that I was really improving. I knew he realized it, but he seemed to humor me anyway.

I didn't realize how bad I would be without Danny, and it completely sickened me how little time it took for me to fall completely in love with him. I was sane when he was here. He was my own person Xanax. But now, I can't even think straight. I was so dependent on this man, and I didn't even know if we were technically dating or not.

Every morning started the same, I'd wake up to Lux setting a plate of food on my bedside table before telling me to "get the fuck up." I would normally just roll over, place my pillow over my head, and tell her to "fuck off." Although, she never did. She was very persistant and usually got her way. However, when she asked me to leave the house, I never would. I don't think she was too concerned about me not having a job. I had saved up enough that I could still pay for my half of the rent for a few months. I was quickly running out, though. I think she was more worried about getting me back to normal. At this point, I didn't ever think I would ever get back to normal.

This particular morning, I woke up on my own, but I could hear Lux shuffling around downstairs. Swagg was sleeping on the pillow next to my head, and I glanced at the clock to see it was a couple minutes after noon, which was well passed the time Lux normally woke me up. I dragged myself out of bed and pulled my greasey hair into a messy bun before walking downstairs. Lux was on the phone, pacing in the living room. I stopped on the last step when I realized she was talking about me, and Danny was most likely on the other end.

"She is a mess," She sighed, pausing. "No, of course she hasn't seen a therapist. Did you really believe her when she told you that? Bay is the most secretive person I know. We didn't even know for months that her brother even died. We didn't even suspect it." She paused again, running her fingers through her hair. "She doesn't listen to me. The most I can do is get her out of bed and eat something." She sighed, flipping on the television. "Danny, she needs you." Finally, I heard the conversation come to an end. "Alright, fine. I'll see you when you get back."

When she hung up the phone, I finally made my entrance in the living room, pretending like I didn't hear a word. I plopped on the couch as I breathed out a "hey."

"Morning," she mumbled, sounding somewhat frustrated. "I'm going to go get my nails done soon. Do you want to come with?"

"No, thanks." I shook my head and folded myself into a ball as I laid down on the couch.

"Whatever," she grumbled as she left the house.

For the rest of the day, I laid on the couch watching old episodes of Friends. There was a marathon on. Swagg came over to me several times, trying to get me to play with her, but I ignored each attempt. Before I knew it, it was seven at night and Lux still hadn't returned. I knew it was her night off, so she couldn't have went to work after getting her nails done, and there was no way on earth it took her six and a half hours to get her nails done. I attempted to call her several times after I realized this and each one went to voice mail. Then I tried to call Rex to see if she knew where Lux was, but it went to voicemail for her as well.

"Where is everybody?" I asked Swagg as she crawled on my lap. She answered with a tiny "mew," and I kissed her on the forehead. I paced around the house, watching the clock as the minutes passed by slowly, and it was 11:24 when Lux walked through the door.

"Where have you been?" I asked, my motherly instincts taking over me.

"I had to pick someone up from the airport," she frowned, opening the door for everyone else to walk in; Rex, James, Ben, Cameron, Sam, and Danny.

Danny's eyes were on fire as they bore into mine. I could almost feel my skin burn from the heat. "Go to your room, now." The calm in his voice almost made me tremble. I obeyed like a lost little puppy and walked up to my room, him following closely behind. "Strip." I frowned at this reuqest, my brow furrowing into confusion. I did after I realized his request wasn't going to change.

I watched him as he walked into my bathroom to start a bath, pouring bubbles into it. "Come here." His voice was softer this time, and he held out his hand for me to take. I wrapped my fingers around his as he helped me into the tub. "We have a lot to talk about, but right now I just want to get you cleaned up." He ran his fingers through my hair, pulling out my pony tail, and kissed me on the forehead.