Whiskey and Cigarettes

Friday, March 24, 2011

"We should head to your appointment," Danny stated, leaning against the door frame to my bathroom.

I nodded, applying pink lip gloss. He took my hand as we walked to his car. The therapist's office was almost 45 minutes away. It was pretty quiet between us at first. I'm not sure what he was thinking about, but I was just replaying scenarios in my head of things she could possibly bring up, things that I really didn't want to talk about.

"What are you thinking about, love?" he asked, kissing the knuckles on my hand.

"I just don't want to go."

He sighed, letting go of my hand to run it through his hair. "I know, but you have to. You won't get better without it."

"I'm not sick, Danny." I wanted to shout at him, but I didn't. He just cares, and I knew that. But I was so tired of being treated like I had cancer.

"But you are. Not in the normal way we associate it. You're sad, and it's taking over your life. It scares me, Bay."

I just stayed quiet. I, honestly, hated upsetting him. I wish he could understand what I was going through, but I didn't know how to verbalize how I felt. I think he knew that, though.

"It'll be okay. I'll be waiting outside Dr. Gwynn's office the entire time. You don't have to be scared."

"But I am," I sighed, wishing we weren't in a car so he could just hold me in his arms. I settled for holding his hand once again, though.

I had always believed that I was born with a broken heart, one that couldn't be fixed no matter who was in my life. It was just something I had to deal with, but it just kept getting worse. Things kept happening that seemed out of my control, and now here I am at my breaking point. But I still don't believe there is any way to fix it. I'm only seeing a therapist to keep Danny happy. I needed him in my life.

When we arrived to the office, Danny walked up to the desk. "We're here for an appointment for Bay Anders."

"Alright, have a seat. Dr. Gwynn will be with you in just a moment." The receptionist smiled, pointing to a row of seats lined up against the wall. We sat down, and I immediately cuddled into his side, forcing him to wrap his arm around me, and holding his other hand. He kissed me tenderly on the lips, whispering to me once more "it'll be okay."

When Dr. Gwynn walked out of her office calling my name, I looked between her and Danny. I didn't want to leave his side, so I asked, "Can he come?"

She smiled a somewhat knowing smiled as she nodded her head. "Just this first time. The rest you have to come in by yourself because I'm not so sure you'll talk in front of him."

I sat down in a leather chair right in front of Dr. Gwynn's desk, which she sat behind. Danny sat off to the side in a chair by his door, obviously not wanting to be a distraction. Just having him there made me feel like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Not much weight, but just enough.

"First I want to ask you, what do you want to get our of therapy?"

I looked at Danny in search of the answer before speaking. "I've had a lot of things happen in my life that I just let happen, just accepted as my life. Now, they're getting too hard to handle. I've started to have panic attacks, and I'm scaring everyone. My boyfriend, my friends, myself."

"Okay," she nodded, jotting down notes in her notepad. "So is there anything in particular you want to talk about first?"

I shrugged, "I guess I can just start from the beginning."

I ran my fingers through my hair, shifting my gaze at Danny once again. I actually didn't know where my beginning was, but I started with the earliest memory I could think of.

"My father used to drink a lot. He got fired from his job, and my mom was the sole provider for our family. But he would come home from drinking all day, and he'd be angry. He'd take it out on my mom by hitting her and eventually he started hitting me as well. He never hit my brother, though. I made sure that never happened."

I sighed, never taking my eyes off Danny. I was talking to him, not my therapist. I felt like he needed to know it more than she did, that by telling him it would make me feel better.

"My mom left him when I was ten, which was shortly after she learned that my dad was hitting me. It always felt like she blamed me for ruining her marriage, and at the same time, it felt like she blamed me for her being stuck in that marriage. She didn't want to be raising two kids on her own, and she made sure I knew that. She wasn't very good to me or my brother. She wasn't abusive physically, but definitely emotionally."

I wasn't portraying my mom the way I should have. She was ten times worse than I could even say. She had hit me before a couple times, punched me in the back of the head, and even gave me a black eye. I don't know why I wouldn't admit that she was physically abusive, too. Maybe because I didn't want to believe myself that neither of my parents cared about me the way a parent really was supposed to.

"No, fuck that," I spat out, looking at the therapist. "My mom was a bitch, and she hit me almost as much as my dad did. The only difference from him is she didn't need alcohol to get pissed off at me."

"How about the rest of your family, Bay?"

"My brother, Hayden, was the best thing ever. He was my best friend. He was so funny and charming, and he had this great way about him that he just made everyone happy. And I miss him, and I don't think I'm allowed to be happy, because he doesn't even get the chance to anymore."

"So, everyone you ever loved has left you in some way?" I nodded, looking over at Danny again. "What about him?" she asked, nodding her head in his direction.

"He just came into my life."

"But don't you think he's going to eventually leave you, too?"

I nodded once again, not being able to form any words.

"But what if he doesn't?"

"I don't see why he would stay. Everyone leaves. I'm not worth staying for. Happiness doesn't follow me. I've only ever known heart break, not love. Love is for the movies. You can't love someone forever. Maybe for the time being, but he won't stay."

Danny looked hurt by what I said. I'm not sure if it was hurt for himself, or hurt for me. Either way, I was pretty sure I crushed him. My heart felt heavy with the realization of those words. I truly believed no one could or would ever love me. But I wanted Danny to so much that it made those words sting that much more.