Whiskey and Cigarettes

Saturday, March 25, 2011

I spent the next morning trying to distract myself. It seemed that my mind and my heart were on the same wave length for once, and it all just hurt too much to think about. I flipped through channels on the television for an hour, nothing catching my interest. Criminal Minds, Duck Dynasty, Big Time Rush, my normally large array of preferences was not cutting it today. Nothing could catch my attention. I scrolled through my selection of songs on my mp3 player. The only songs that I wanted to listen to just seemed like a soundtrack to how I was feeling and only made it worse.

I even turned to cleaning at one point, which probably wasn't a good idea from the beginning because I absolutely hate it. All it resulted in was a bucket of water being kicked across the kitchen floor, leaving a soapy puddle in the wake of the bucket, which I refused to clean up.

Eventually, I settled into the porch swing on our back deck wrapped in a fleece blanket, burying my face into a book. It's really the only way I could ever get totally out of my mind. I had to completely submerge myself into someone else's life, someone else's mind, even if that person was completely fictional. Most of the books I read were sad, but as it turns out, my head and heart are okay with being sad over someone else's problems. It's our own that we cannot handle.

Hours later, my thoughts were interrupted by a crash in the kitchen, followed by my roommate muttering under her breath. "Why in the fucking hell is there a puddle in the fucking kitchen?" she asked as she stepped out onto the back porch.

I bit my lip to stifle my giggle, noticing the right side of her clothes was completely drenched. "I tried cleaning," I stated, smiling innocently at her.

"Well it seems you made a bigger mess," She grumbled, walking back into the kitchen. I heard the bucket fly across the kitchen once more, crashing into the wall or the cabinets, as she shouted profanities in my direction.

When I walked into the kitchen, Lux was mopping the floor in her bra and panties, her wet clothes discarded in the laundry room. "Why did you decide to mop the floor, anyway?" She asked, calmer than she was. I knew she couldn't stay mad at me for long.

"I just didn't want to think," I admitted as I sat on the counter, watching her clean up my mess.

"What did you not want to think about?"

"Therapy, Danny, my life, Hayden, just everything."

She nodded, putting the mop away and drying off the floor with a towel. "Have you talked to Danny?"

"No," I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "I'm too scared to hear what he thinks."

"I'm sure his opinion of you has not changed." She tossed her wet clothes and the towels in the hamper before making her way upstairs. "I'm going to take a shower. Don't make anymore messes, dumbass."

I laughed at her pet name, following behind her. Collapsing on my bed, I sighed heavily, debating on if I should call Danny or not. I quickly decided on waiting until he called me. I wasn't ready to face him, I knew that, but I wasn't completely sure why. Maybe because he left in such a hurry yesterday.

It didn't take me long to decide on changing something about myself. Anything. I just needed something new and fast. I could've gotten a tattoo or a new piercing, but I decided to dye my hair instead. I found a package of bleach and purple dye. Within an hour and a half, my hair, as well as the sink, bath tub, and toilet seat, were all a dark shade of purple. When Lux found me in my bathroom drying my hair, she frowned looking around the bathroom.

"I told you to stop being a dumbass," she spoke, receiving a smile in return from me.

"Will you straighten my hair for me?" I asked, handing her my pink straightener as I sat down on the toilet seat.

"Danny is downstairs waiting for you."

"Oh," I mumbled, fidgeting in my seat.

She ran the straightener through my hair until each strand was perfectly straight. The whole while, my mind was racing. He might not want me anymore. He might think I'm crazy. What am I saying? I am crazy. He's crazy, too. Every fucking one of us is crazy. Should I be worried? Because I am. Fuck, I love him too much. I should've never let this happen, never let us happen. This shit is insane, being in love. Who would do this to themselves intentionally? It's irrational.

"I'm done." Lux snapped her fingers in my face, which made me realize that she had been trying to get my attention for the last two minutes.

"Thanks," I unplugged my straightener and kissed her on the cheek before walking into my bedroom. I changed into a pair of blue jean shirts and one of Danny's shirts that happened to be laying on my floor before walking downstairs.

Danny was on the couch, flipping through his channels. He didn't look nervous. Maybe that was a good thing, I thought as I stood in front of him.

In high school, while girls were going through guys like a used pair of panties, I didn't care about boyfriends. I just wanted to have fun and get through life the way I wanted. I didn't want to do what was expected, like going to college and getting a real job, finding a good husband, and having a ton of kids that drove me insane. I didn't want any of that. I wanted to figure out my life my way. I never wanted something so bad in my life. I never wanted love. Not until now, when the only person I ever wanted to love was sitting on my couch. I wanted love so bad. I wanted to love, and I wanted to be loved. Only by Danny. No one else. And this thought that I had as he stood up and ran his fingers through my newly dyed hair made me want to vomit.

"Your hair looks nice," he mumbled, fingering a long strand. I wanted to laugh. I was aching to hear him say he loved me, and that he didn't think I was crazy, but instead he told me that he liked my hair. I resigned to a small smile. "I like your curls better, though."

He kissed me on the forehead, his fingers falling from my hair, grazing my shoulder and arm, until they reached for my fingers. They automatically tangled themselves with his, and he tugged on them until I followed him up to my room.

What was he going to say? I honestly wasn't sure if I was ready to find out. But I needed it. I needed to know that he loved me as much as I did. And if he didn't? I didn't know. I didn't know if I could handle it. With each step closer to my room, my feet felt heavy. My arms felt heavy, my legs, my hands, everything just felt heavy. He didn't want to say anything in front of Lux. What did he have to say that she couldn't hear? I wanted to turn back, but the need for him to tell me he loved me was much greater.

The air in my room was thick. Was it just me or could he feel it, too?

"I think we need to talk," he said. Isn't that usually what people say before they break up with someone? I only nodded, sitting down on my bed. "First, I want to thank you for letting me sit with you during your therapy session. It really explained a lot."

That I'm crazy as shit and you should run for the hills? I wanted to ask, but my mouth felt to heavy to muster up any words.

"Second, I think you blame yourself for things you have no control over, and I think you punish yourself for things others have done to you."

Please just tell me you love me.

"Third, I need you to know that I love you." My whole body sighed with relief. "I'm not going anywhere no matter what you say to me. In fact, I want to hear all of it. I want to know every detail about your life. You're beautiful, wonderful, and I've never met anyone like you. And I just need you to know that I will never leave you, and I hope that you believe me. If you don't, I'll try every day to prove it to you."

"I believe you," I whispered right before crashing my lips against his. I really did believe him, so much so that all the dread that was weighing down my body moments ago was quickly replaced with love, and I never felt more accepted in my entire life.