Whiskey and Cigarettes

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The next morning, I woke up to an empty bed. I wouldn't admit it to anyone, but I was a bit disappointed. The house was quiet, besides for the soft hum of a shower. When I opened my eyes and glanced around the room, I noticed Danny's clothes thrown on the floor and my bathroom door cracked open. I could see the steam fogging up the mirror from where I sat.

I climbed out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweat pants, rolling them up at the top so they'd fit better, leaving the tank top I slept in on, and walked out of my room to give Danny some privacy. As I walked through the house, glancing in rooms, I realized that Danny and I were the only ones occupying the house at the moment.

I took a seat on the couch, folding my legs under me, and turned on the television. I flipped through the channels until I found a Criminal Minds marathon. There was always one on, and I've seen every episode at least fifty times, but I couldn't get enough of it. Danny walked into the living room and took a seat next to me. He was wearing sweatpants as well but had no shirt on.

"Do you know where everyone is?" I asked, only getting a shrug in response.

We sat like that for fifteen minutes. It wasn't awkward. Well, maybe a little. I honestly didn't know what to say to him after last night. I felt uneasy, like I did something wrong, like our friendship became to intimate last night. But he just kissed me on the forehead for fuck's sake, so I had no idea why I felt weird.

"You're exactly like what Lux and Rex said you were," Danny spoke up.

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking over at him to find out he had been studying me intently.

He shrugged before explaining, "They said you were quiet. That you don't talk unless you have something to say, but when you have something to say, you never shut up about it." We both laughed quietly. "They also said you liked to party as much as them, but you were always sober enough to take care of them if needed, like you were the mama bear, and you would do anything for your friends and family even if it got you killed, and I saw that in you last night."

I looked back at the television, letting the quiet fall across the room again like a blanket. I didn't really know what to say.

"They also said you've been through a lot in your life, which makes you the way you are, but you've never let anyone take care of you." When I looked back at him, he was staring at me still.

I bit my lip, pushing myself off the couch to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. My head felt like it was spinning, and I put my hands against the counter, bracing my self, wanting it to stop. I had no idea what he was trying to prove by saying all this. He seemed concerned, but I couldn't just spill my guts out to him. I still barely knew him. And even though that didn't stop me from letting him sleep in my bed, I wasn't going to tell him my whole life story. I started to feel angry. Angry that Lux and Rex would tell him that I've had a rough life, angry that he would expect me to just tell him everything. So angry that I didn't even realize Danny had followed me into kitchen until he placed his hand on my shoulder, making me jump and drop my water.

"I didn't mean to scare you," he looked even more worried as he cleaned up the spilled water.

I leaned against the counter, my knuckles turning white from how hard I was squeezing the edge. My head was still spinning, but I felt like I was going to throw up.

Danny didn't notice as he threw the paper towels away. "I didn't mean to upset you or anything." As he was apologizing, my head started to slow down. "I just want to get to know you more."

"No one knows me," I spoke just above a whisper. "Not even Rex or Lux. I don't know what they told you, but you could never honestly understand what I've been through unless you go through it yourself. I don't talk about it, I don't like talk about it, and I'm not going to talk about it with you."

He nodded, concern still written all over his face. "Let's just go back to watching Criminal Minds."

I followed him into the living room, sitting on the love seat after he sat down on the couch. I could tell he was watching me while I just stared at the television, letting my eyes gloss over. It wasn't long before he moved to the couch next to me, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his arms around me. I wasn't going to cry, I never allowed myself to do that in front of another person, but it was nice to let someone be so close to me after years of pushing everyone away.