Whiskey and Cigarettes

Monday, September 5, 2010

I went to bed that night with a terrible headache after Ben had ushered everyone out of my room. I heard the party die down soon after. I didn't sleep much that night. I tossed and turned for hours, rehearsing in my head what I could say to all my friends. I could lie. I was the queen of lying and had even come up with several different ones that I knew would work. But for some reason, I didn't feel like I really wanted to lie. So I planned to tell them the truth.

I crawled out of bed as the first sight of sunlight peeked through my curtains. Throwing on a pair of gray blue jean shorts and an ugly teal and black striped sweater, I walked out to the back yard and sat indian style in the grass. Leaves blew around the yard as the cool summer breeze set in around me. My mind burned through an array of topics while I sat there.

Eventually, Sam came out and sat down next to me. I laid my head on his shoulder, staying quiet.

"Everyone is waiting inside," he spoke quietly.

I nodded, not bothering to vocalize a reply. After a few minutes of sitting quietly with him, I patted his knee and looked him in the eyes. "I'll be in there in a minute."

Sam walked inside, and I smoked another cigarette before joining them in the living room. I took a seat between Ben and James. Rex was sitting on James' lap and put her legs over my lap as soon as I sat down. Danny, Lux, and Cameron were squished on the love seat, and Sam was in the recliner.

"So..." I forced a smiled, grabbing onto Rex's left hand to hold. "I'm not really sure where to start."

"Why'd you come here, Bay? It's not like you to just get up and leave no matter how shitty things get." Lux spoke up.

I bit my lip, blinking back tears that were threatening to spill. I held onto Rex's hand tighter, my head felt like it was swimming, and the room was spinning. "Hayden committed suicide," I forced out between gasps of air, tears falling off my chin. Rex had latched her arms around my neck in a hug the moment the words formed in my mouth.

"Who's Hayden?" Cameron had asked.

"Her little brother," Lux replied quietly. It seemed like she wasn't sure what to say.

"He had called me at work," I mumbled, wiping away at my tears with the sleeve of my sweater. "He said he needed to talk to me, but I couldn't talk. My boss was there, and I would have gotten fired if he saw me on the phone. So I told him I'd talk to him when I got home."

I started to feel angry at myself, pushing Rex back onto James' lap, feeling like I didn't deserve the comfort. "He kept begging me to talk to him, saying it was important, and it couldn't wait. But I just figured he was being over dramatic like he always was. When I got home, I found him in his bedroom passed out on his bed. He had my bottle of sleeping pills next to him. It was empty, and I know there was at least thirty pills left. He took every single one of them."

"My parents didn't even check up on him when they got home from work. They just left him be. They could have saved him if they found him earlier." I couldn't look them in the eye anymore. I felt so empty and angry at myself and my parents. My fists were balled up on my knees, and my face was turning red. "He left a note, telling me it wasn't my fault. He said he only called me to tell me how much he loved me, and he said I wouldn't have been able to stop him no matter what."

I couldn't talk anymore. It was getting too hard to breath. Everyone just sat there quietly. Rex continuously ran her fingers through my hair and rubbed my back.

"It's not your fault," Danny whispered. I met his eyes, and he looked sad. I looked around at everyone. They all looked sad. I pushed myself off the couch.

"I need to go take a nap," I mumbled as I walked towards the stairs.

I had so much more I needed to tell them, specifically Danny. Rex and Lux knew everything else about my life, about the way I grew up, the reason why I push Danny away. Eventually, I was going to have to tell him, but this was all I could handle for the day.