Temporary Bliss

Once I pulled into the drive of my house I shut the car off, taking the keys out of the ignition. I pulled down the sun visor and flipped open the mirror. I looked a mess, my mascara was ruined, my eyes were red and puffy, I couldn’t even smile, my hair was tangled from running my fingers through the hair on the top of my head so much. I wiped under my eyes with my fingers to get rid of the mascara that had begun to run down my cheeks from crying. I opened up the glove compartment on the passenger side and grabbed a napkin after I couldn’t find a Kleenex. I blew my nose. I combed my fingers through my hair a bit then put the visor back up and got out of my car and walked into my house. I removed my yellow converse at the front door, leaving them on the tan rug spread out on the hardwood floors.

“Charlotte, is that you?” my mom called from the kitchen.

I sighed; I just wanted to go up to my room and sleep. “Yeah mom, it’s me.”

“Can you come in the kitchen real quick?”

My shoulders sank a little as I began walking to the kitchen, “Coming.” I paused a few steps away from the kitchen and wiped under my eyes one more time just to be sure all the mascara was gone; I didn’t want her to know I had been crying.

My mom looked up once she saw me walk into the kitchen, she gave a smile that I tried to return, hoping it was a convincing one. “Caroline called, she said she tried your cell and you didn’t answer, she wants you to call her.”

I nodded and spun around, beginning to walk out of the kitchen. I wanted my bed. I stopped walking when my mom spoke up behind me, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine.”

She gave an unsure ‘okay’ before I continued walking.

I reached the stairs, stopping at the bottom for a moment and looked to the top, I was so drained the stairs looked like a mountain. I pulled one leg up onto the first step as I grabbed onto the railing. I continued putting one foot in front of the other, all the way up the stairs and down the hall until I reached my room.

I opened my door and stepped inside; feeling more relaxed now that I was in my room. I shut the wooden door behind me and locked it. I felt myself start to fall apart again. Tears began to sting my eyes as I made my way over to my bed. I climbed on it, grabbing the purple fleece blanket off of the end of my bed. I lay down and pulled it over my body, I blinked a few times, forcing the tears away.

I shouldn’t be crying. I needed to stop crying. I was weak and pathetic. I never wanted to cry over a boy. I was causing myself this pain, I didn’t deserve to cry, or sulk, or pity myself. I deserved how I was feeling. I deserved to feel like the worst person ever.

I couldn’t stop the tears anymore as the lump rose in my throat, it was impossible to swallow and my throat felt like it was closing up. Tears streamed out of my eyes and down onto my pillow. I didn’t even bother to wipe them away.

I pulled my phone out of the pocket of my pants and turned it on silent, setting it on the other side of the bed away from me. I decided against calling Caroline back. I knew what she wanted. She wanted an explanation for why I ran out so suddenly. I’m sure Cameron went and talked to her in confusion, figuring Caroline knew why. I wasn’t in the mood to explain all of this to her. I didn’t want to talk about it, or think about it. This whole Cameron and Michael thing had been eating me up inside for so long it’s nearly impossible to ignore now, it’s constantly floating around my mind.

Caroline may not act like she’s judging me, or voice that I’m doing something wrong, but in her mind I know she’s thinking it. I know she disapproves and thinks I’m crazy. I didn’t need her to try and make me feel better by pitying me.

I reached over and grabbed my phone and unlocked the screen. I went to my contact list and selected the person I knew I could count on to be honest. I pressed call and listened to the ringing as I tried to stop sniffling and control my breathing so I could form audible words when I spoke.

“Hey Charlotte!” the soft, comforting voice spoke.

“John,” I croaked, I began sobbing more and began mumbling inaudible words.

“Shh, Charlotte, breathe okay? I just need you to breathe right now and try and calm down so you can tell me what’s wrong.”

I nodded, biting my lip hard enough to draw blood as the faint taste of metal filled my mouth. I took deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth as John waited patiently for me to speak.

“I could-couldn’t even be around C-Cam-Cameron today. I-I just ran out on him, and-and I broke down on the w-way home. I c-can’t face him. I don’t even k-know what…I don’t even know what to do about hi-him and Michael.” My words came out in a stutter from the crying.

“These boys are causing you so much confusion. You caused yourself this pain, Char, you can’t blame them, you know that, right? You messed this up by starting with Michael…but Michael also played a part in messing it up. He’s partially responsible. He knew you had a boyfriend, yet he still led you on by being more than friendly towards you. Maybe you just need to get rid of both boys. Because if you pick Michael, do you think you’re going to be able to look at him, and be with him without wondering if you made a mistake by choosing him over Cameron? Do you think you’ll be able to look at Michael and not remember the pain you caused Cameron and yourself by cheating on him? And if you choose Cameron, and he decides to forgive you and stay with you, will you stop thinking about Michael, and how you fooled around with him behind Cameron’s back. Do you think Cameron will be able to look at you and not think about you having sex with another guy?”

“Thank you for not lying to me and saying it’s not my fault, I know it is, I really appreciate you giving me your honest opinion and always telling me what you’re truthfully thinking.” I took in a shaky breath, “I don’t even know how to respond to that, I just needed to hear your voice and input on this. I-I’ll let you go now.”

“It’s no problem Charlotte. I’m your older brother; I’m always going to be here for you.”

“I know you are. You’re the greatest.”

“I love you. Even when you mess up and make mistakes.”

I began tearing up again, “I love you, too. I’ll talk to you later, John.”

“Okay, I’m always just a phone call away.”

I hung up and smiled a little, I loved how much John was there for me.

I closed my eyes, tears still escaping as I sniffled, trying my best to cry as quietly as possible. I lay there until sleep fell upon me.