Temporary Bliss

I stood there frozen. I was in shock. I had never heard Cameron yell like that, and Cameron had never yelled at me before. My head hung in shame; I was too embarrassed to look up at Zach and Caroline. I bit down on my bottom lip hard, thinking it would make the tears stop. I sniffled and wiped under my eyes with my index fingers. Cameron hated me. There was no question about it. I felt completely sick to my stomach. I wasn’t proud of what I had done. I had never imagined hurting someone this way, and this much.

I looked up, running my fingers though my hair. Caroline was looking at me with concern all over her face and Zach was standing there awkwardly with his hands in the pockets of his khaki shorts and looking down at this feet.

I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out; I was already having enough trouble breathing. I locked eyes with Caroline and my vision quickly became blurry once again.

I saw the disappointment in her eyes, as she whispered, “I told you to tell him earlier.” Zach’s head quickly snapped up as he looked over at Caroline with big eyes.

“You knew?”

“Charlotte told me a few months back.”

“And you didn’t say anything to me? Cameron is my best friend, Caroline.”

“So you’re mad at me for not telling you? It wasn’t my secret to tell, Zach, and it wouldn’t have been yours either.”

“Don’t fight because of me…I asked her not to tell, Zach.” I sighed, wiping away my salty tears once again. “I-I need to go find Cameron and talk to him. Do…do you know where he might have went?” I looked at Zach.

He shrugged, “He’s never drove off angry before…he’s never been this upset either.” I sighed, offering him a half smile.

“If you see him will you let him know I want to talk to him?” They both nodded. Caroline uncrossed her arms and walked towards me to give me a tight hug. She whispered a quick ‘I love you’ in my ear then turned around and walked back over to Zach’s house, Zach following behind her.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Cameron’s number as I walked back into his house to retrieve my things. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer my call; I waited for the voice message to end so I could leave a quick message.

“Cameron, your voicemail is from eighth grade, you need to record a new one!” I nagged.

“Whyyyy?” Cameron drug out. “It’s fine.”

I chuckled, “It’s fine? Let’s take a listen and see if it’s ‘fine.’”

I dialed his number and Cameron hit ‘Ignore’ so it would go right to the voicemail. “Hey it’s Cameron!...just kidding this is my voicemail. I can’t answer the phone, so leave a message and I’ll call you back, peace!”

Cameron’s face was a light shade of pink, “I’ll have you know, that was the ‘in’ thing to say for voicemails.”

“Yeah, was.” I pointed out. I grabbed his phone and went into his voicemail settings, erasing the message he had recorded years ago. I pressed 1 to start recording and started talking when I heard the beep, “Hi, this is Cameron’s phone-”

Cameron cut me off “Charlotte, no!” he reached for his phone but I quickly pulled it away, “Everyone is going to think I’m a girl, or that I have a high voice!” He was now practically on top of me and had managed to grab the phone from my weak grip on his phone due to my laughing, “I’ll re-record it! Just-just don’t say anything!”

He gave my lips a quick kiss before pressing 1 again to restart, “Hey, it’s Cameron, sorry I can’t answer the phone-”

I quickly interjected, “He’s too busy taking a bubble bath.” Cameron’s hand covered my mouth, muffling the last of my words.

“Leave a message and I’ll call you back, bye.” He let out his signature Cameron laugh at the end and looked over at me, “I love you.” He whispered before ending the recording.

I smiled widely, “I love you too, now was that so hard?”

He shook his head, playing the recording back. The whole message was just terrible for anyone that wasn’t Cameron or myself. We both laughed at my interjection and Cameron shushing me with a rustling sound in the background from him trying to scooch away from me. I smiled at the soft ‘I love you’ at the end.

Cameron smiled, hitting the screen lock button on his phone, “I think it’s perfect.”

“I would have to agree, whole heartedly.”

I heard the beep, signaling me to leave a message, “Cam, it’s me, Scar. I need to talk to you; can you call me back…please? I love you.” I pressed END CALL and wiped more tears away, sliding my phone into my back pocket. I scribbled a quick note on a yellow post-it note, asking Cameron to call me, and left it on the pillow of his bed. I grabbed my overnight bag and headed downstairs and out of the house and began walking home.

I thought about calling my mom, but she thought I was at Caroline’s, though it would have been easy to conjure up a lie to explain why I was at Cameron’s, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it together long enough to get home. This was something I wasn’t ready to tell my parents about.

During the last six months, not once had I thought of everyone who would find out. I’d soon be walking through school, where everyone would probably know, or find out, what happened between Cameron and me. I would be the heartbreaker, and he would be the guy who got cheated on for six months without knowing. I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to. Caroline was my best friend and I knew I could tell her anything, but I was too ashamed to talk about how upset I was, when Cameron was the one who had a reason to be upset. I had brought this upon myself. I couldn’t even call John, he knew the whole love triangle between Cameron, Michael and I before anyone else. I should have toughened up and told Cameron right when it all started, just as John had advised.

All of my life I have been scared of hurting someone. I never wanted to be the one to do the breaking up, which was part of the reason I kept it going on for so long, I didn’t want to break up with Cameron and hurt him. I thought it would be easier if I waited, because the flame might have died down between Michael and I, and it was giving me more time to think of what to say. But in this situation there really is only one thing you can say; just fess up and say that you’ve cheated on them. There’s one way to word it and that hadn’t occurred to me until now.
I was numb; I couldn’t feel anything besides this strange empty feeling that started in my chest and hung all the way down to my stomach. Next thing I knew I was standing on my front porch, I couldn’t even remember how I got home, I was like an empty body on a set path, aimlessly walking to my destination without taking in any of my surroundings. I wiped underneath my eyes again, hoping I managed to get off all of the smudged mascara under my eyes. I took a deep breath and reached my arm out to open the door, I silently prayed that my parents were outside in the backyard, or in the kitchen. I didn’t want to face them, I didn’t want the questions, I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold myself together through those. I pushed the door open and stepped in, slipping my shoes off and leaving them on the tan shag rug.

“Charlotte? Is that you?” I was on the first step when I heard my mother’s soft voice float in from the kitchen. I tensed up and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping she wasn’t going to walk in here.

“Yeah.” I held my breath, listening for footsteps. None.

“Well you’re home early, why’s that?” I heard a cabinet door shut and continued walking up the stairs.

“I just wanted to get home and sleep in my own bed…I’ll be up in my room.” I darted up the rest of the stairs, not waiting for a response. I made it to my room and shut the door behind me. I plopped down on my bed, pulling a spare fleece blanket over my body and laid my head on my pillow. I wrapped my arms around myself the best I could as if I was holding myself together. I didn’t bother blinking back tears or wiping them away, I let them fall freely, begging sleep to overtake me as I stared at a picture of Cameron and me in a frame on my nightstand.

I drifted off into a light sleep, the kind where you’re aware of your surroundings and that you’re sleeping, yet you still dream. I felt the warm fleece blanket draped over me, my right hand underneath the pillow covered in a soft silk pillowcase that felt nice and cold against my cheek. I expected Cameron’s scent to flow in through my nostrils and fill my lungs in the comforting way that it used to when we would cuddle and occasionally fall asleep together. I didn’t smell him, I didn’t feel his arm wrapped around me, or his chest rising and falling underneath me with every breath he took. His warmth didn’t consume me, I didn’t feel comforted. I felt an unsettling feeling in my hallow stomach that I had never felt before. My phone vibrated in my left hand, jolting me from my thoughts. I sat up and quickly slid my finger across the screen to unlock my phone, hoping the text was from Cameron. I pressed the small ‘Message’ icon on the screen. My heart sank when I saw it was Caroline instead of Cameron. I checked her text, thinking it was some information on where Cameron was, but it turned out to be her asking if I found out anything about Cameron. I replied, ‘Not yet’ then slid my phone in my back pocket and got out of bed.

I called Cameron’s phone again, only to be sent to voicemail, yet again. I grabbed my car keys off of my nightstand and headed back downstairs. I needed to find Cameron.

“Mom, I’m going to Cameron’s, I probably won’t be back until dinner. I’ll call you and let you know if it’s later.” I slipped on a pair of flip-flops and waited for her response, which was a simple “Okay, drive safe” and then headed out the door.

I got in my car and headed to the numerous places Cameron and I went together. Have you ever noticed that in practically every romance movie, when the couple has a fight, one of them always runs off and hides out at a place that was significant to them, and as soon as the other person found them, things were fixed almost immediately? This was real life, not some romantic comedy. Things probably wouldn’t work out that way. But would I want them to? Did I want to stay with Cameron? That was a question I had thought about numerous times over the past six months. A question that drove me to the point of insanity at times. A question that I wasn’t sure I knew the answer to quite yet. Right now, all I knew was that I needed to find Cameron and talk everything out with him, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to do, it was something I had. I owed Cameron that much. I pulled into the parking lot of the aquarium Cameron took me to on one of our first anniversaries. I went up and down every row of cars three times looking for Cameron’s car with no such luck. Once again, I tried calling him as I left the aquarium and headed to the hole-in-the-wall ice cream shack we went to on one of our first dates.

After not having any luck at the ice cream shop, I headed to the beach that had so much history. It was where Cameron and I first met, where Cameron and I almost kissed, where he taught me how to properly throw a Frisbee, and so many other small events that together, added up to one big memory, one huge part of my life.
I parked my car and walked to the edge of the sand, sliding my flip-flops off and bending down to pick them up before preceding any further. I hit the lock button on my car keychain, just to be safe, and then walked towards the brightly colored shack that surfboards were stored in.

“Has Cameron Quiseng checked out his surf board at all today?” I asked the employee behind the counter.

He looked down and began flipping through pages of logs before looking up at me, “Yeah, it looks like he checked it out about an hour ago but he actually just brought it back within the last fifteen minutes.”

I let out a sigh through my lips and smiled at him, “Thanks.” He nodded, returning the pages to the clipboard.

“Have a nice day!”

“You too.” I said quietly as I walked away. I let my heavy feet drag through the sand as I looked down at them. When I looked back up, my eyes locked on the pier and I hurried my pace, hoping he went to get a bite to eat. I put my shoes back on and ran up to the counter of the seafood bar and grill, searching for that familiar face. When I didn’t see him I walked down further to the next food place. I continued on till I reached the end, where I looked out over the blue water, watching it turn white as the waves rolled over and crashed on the shore.

I checked the time on my phone and saw it was getting late; I decided I’d drive by Cameron’s house on my way home. I turned on my heels, giving the wooden railing a nice pat with my hand. I returned my phone to my back pocket and began walking back to my car. Suddenly I froze, I saw the back of a head that I could pick out of a crowd anywhere; Cameron’s. He was walking towards the parking lot, about to walk off of the pier. I picked up my pace, starting as a jog and soon turned into a full on sprint.

I dug my phone back out of my pocket and dialed his number, keeping my eyes glued on him as I ran with my phone pressed against my ear. I weaved in and out of people, sometimes through them, splitting couples in half, muttering a quick apology. I was getting closer, and saw him dig his phone out of his side pocket, glancing at it before putting it back without even thinking twice. I’m sure by now my contact name in his phone was “Heartless Bitch.” I got his voicemail, as expected and hung up, putting my phone back in my pocket. I was now in the parking lot, and I had lost sight of him after he walked behind a large van. I stood still. Catching my breath, I scanned the parking lot, looking for the familiar head of hair. I finally saw it and took off again, deciding against yelling his name, knowing he would probably run away.

I was a few hundred feet behind him now; I slowed my pace and yelled out his name. He didn’t even hesitate to stop or look behind him. He just kept walking forward. “Cameron, will you please stop!” I yelled out. He did the unexpected and stopped, keeping his back to me.

I was close enough to him now that I wouldn’t have to yell. I walked the rest of the way to him, leaving a few feet’s distance in between us. All of the sudden my emotions took over me and I was finding it hard to speak as I looked at his back. “Can we talk?” I whispered. Tears welled up in my eyes and I tried to blink them back. I didn’t want to break down right now in public for everyone to see. I didn’t want Cameron to think that my tears were begging him for pity, like I was trying to get him to feel sorry for me…because that wasn’t the case at all.

He stayed silent and still.

“Cam…” I trailed off. “I really need to talk to you. I need you to know how sorry I am. How ashamed I am in myself.” He still didn’t move or say anything. “Please?” I half begged, reaching out to grab his hand. My skin had barely brushed up against his before he quickly jerked his hand away.

“Don’t touch me.”

I felt my heart crumple even more, if that was even possible. “C-can I just explain everything?”

He spun around; his usually kind green eyes were filled with an immense amount of hurt and some anger. “God, Charlotte!” he yelled, throwing his arms up in the air, his fingers pulling at his hair as he brought them back down. “What else is there for you to explain?! Can’t you see that I don’t want to talk to you?! You’re the last person in the world I want to see right now!” I felt as if I was shrinking, getting smaller and smaller with every word he said. “I would rather see Michael instead of you, at least that way I could punch him!” he took a deep breath, somewhat calming himself down. “I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to think about you.” Tears had formed in his eyes and were threatening to spill over. “God, do you even realize what you did? You ruined everything. You tore everything apart. You cheated, Charlotte, you can’t get much lower than that. You’ve hurt me more than anyone ever has. You’ve hurt me to the point where just looking at you makes me sick. I can’t look at you or even think of you without seeing you and Michael together in my head…like you’re taunting me. I see him all over you.” He was choking up now; he was struggling to get words out. “I see you, enjoying it, not even thinking about me. I see him kissing you, and you kissing him. I can hear you saying his name…the same way you used to say mine. Fuck Charlotte…I can’t not think about it. It’s just not a possibility. Do you know how hard it is to try and forget about someone that you love? How pathetic you feel when you still care about them after they’ve hurt you this badly? Because I do, and it fucking sucks.” He turned, “Just leave me alone,” he mumbled before he walked off.

I stood all alone in the parking lot, tears streaming down my face. The words he said to me pained me so much, I hadn’t thought of half of the things he said to me. I hadn’t expected him to cry, I’d never seen him cry before. I finally got a glimpse of just how bad I hurt him.

Way to go, Charlotte.