Temporary Bliss

I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket as I walked into school. I pulled it out, sliding my finger across the lock screen to view the text message. “Hood down, Charlotte. You know it’s against the rules.” I rolled my eyes at my freshman English teacher. I tugged down my hood, smoothing out my hair. I was counting on it to hide me from everyone at school. I kept my head down as I walked to my locker. I waited for the name calling and the whispers to start, but they never came. And they never came the rest of the day. I had done a fairly good job of avoiding Cameron throughout the school day, the only time I saw him was when I was walking out to my car after school.

Seeing him was different, I didn’t get the comforting feeling I used to get. Instead I got this sinking feeling in my stomach. I wanted to say hi, continue on like nothing had ever happened. I watched him get in his car, run his fingers through his hair the way he always did, and then drive off. The pain in my chest came back. I hurt, that hurt was caused by me, I hurt myself. And that was something I’d have to accept, deal with, and get over.

How do you get over someone you still have feelings for? I wanted closure, more closure than what I had. I wanted things to be okay between Cameron and me. The worst part was knowing that things probably wouldn’t ever be that way. I’d see him and always be reminded about the pain I caused him and myself.

I headed over to Michael’s house, we had planned on watching a movie, and I needed to tell him that I told Cameron about us. As soon as I pulled into his driveway, I parked my car and ran up to his door. I needed a hug. And I wanted a hug from the one person I knew wasn’t mad at me. He answered his door and a smile spread across his face.

I smiled back. It was nice to see someone who was happy to see me. Tears welled up in my eyes and I quickly stepped into his house, crashing into his chest. His arms awkwardly wrapped around me and he softly patted my back.

“Uh, are you okay?” I shook my head, my face still buried in his chest; my tears were soaking his shirt. “Do…you…wanna talk about it?” he asked, awkwardly.

I pulled back, wiping my eyes, “I told Cameron everything.”

He ran his fingers through his short, black hair. “You, uh, you did?”

I nodded, “Yesterday. It all just came out. I feel like shit, but I also feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of me.”

“Shit.” He mumbled.

I raised an eyebrow, “I…I thought you’d be happy?”

“Charlotte…I…” there was a long pause. He looked down and rubbed the back of his neck, “I can’t.”

“You can’t what?” I asked.

“I can’t be in a relationship. I’m happy right now, the way things are, are working. With nothing defined everything is just easier.”

I couldn’t breathe. “W-what are you saying?”

“I’m not giving up those other girls.” A small laugh escaped his lips, “I just can’t.”

“I’m not going to be with you when you’re with other girls.” I took a deep breath, fighting back tears. “You promised. We promised each other.” He stood there, not saying anything. I nodded my head, turning around and walking out the door. I ran to my car, slamming the car door behind me and started up my car. Speeding the whole way home, I ran up to my room, locking my bedroom door behind me, I jumped on my bed and broke down.

I wanted to go back to the night of the bonfire. Things were good then, I was happy, I hadn’t yet lost my virginity to someone I wasn’t in love with, and I hadn’t broken the heart of the boy I loved. Everything was fucked up now, there was no fixing it. I hurt someone that was crazy about me, I trusted someone I didn’t mean shit to, all in less than a year.

I didn’t know how things would end up, but I knew I had my brother John. I knew he would be home soon and that he’d lecture me, and that was all I really needed. I’d move forward with life and hope to god that everything would be okay.