What to Love and What to Burn
Four
By the moon I can tell it's around two in the morning. I'm not sleeping. I'm just sitting under the slide, in the little hide out bench that was set up for little kids to have their forts. I'm sitting with my knees pulled up, and the lighter out watching random wood chips burn. I watch them turn to ash.
I burn one specially for Sarah, one for my mother and one for my father. I burn one for each of the homeless people that have helped me. I burn one for each person that's reached out a hand. I burn one for each person that has affected my life. Each one I can remember anyway.
"You should use a shelter. They help people like you." A smooth voice says to me. I glance up to see the new boy from before smiling sympathetically.
I don't speak. I just continue burning wood chips. I burn one for him and one even for the leader. He watches me through curious eyes, and he watches as each chip turns to ash.
"You shouldn't let Jimmy push you around either." He says.
It doesn't affect me. I don't say anything and we're both silent. Just watching each chip burn.
"What's your name? I get the feeling it's not Homeless."
He asks the question that no one before has asked me. I finally look at him straight in the eye. He's looking at me seriously. His brown eyes are like a mirror to the fire and I see the small flame.
"You won't talk. You don't have to. I have to go anyway. Take my advice."
He stands and gives a little wave when he reaches the park gate. By now the fire from my lighter has gone out and it's hot. I place it in the jacket pocket and lay down on the bench.
In the morning I wake up as the sky turns pink and orange with blue on the horizon. I watch the sky, and I watch the clouds roll in. I remember a quote from when I was little. No one ever told me where it was from but it's always been true.
'Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky in the morning, sailors warning.'
My mother always told me that. Then she told me I wouldn't be allowed to go out because it was going to rain. And it always did. I would spend the day alone under the slide.
Or maybe I would go out and spin in the rain, walk through the streets and just get wet. Rain was like a shower for me. My face would actually sort of get clean. I would actually be somewhat presentable.
And when it started raining I did. I found a shiny store window and used it as a mirror until the store owner came out with a broom and shouted profanities in Italian. I found another, same thing only Spanish. Another, French. I know some of the French profanities. I took French back when I was actually in school.
My face looked clean. My arms looked clean. I go back to the park and go to my spot under the slide and he's there. He looks at me when I step under the slide. I sit in the bench across from him and he flicks black hair out of his face.
"You're going to get sick doing that."
My mother used to say that. She used to scold me for wanting to even think about going outside in the rain.
"I'll ask again. What's your name?"
I'm silent. I don't want him knowing my name. No one knows my name anymore. They know me as Homeless. The teen. The girl who's family is dead.
"I'm going to have to call you something."
He doesn't have to call me anything. He shouldn't talk to me. I'm half expecting his mother to pop out and yell at me to get away from her son. But he looks old enough to take care of himself.
"Homeless it is then. I'll call you that until you tell me what your real name is. You can't have forgotten it."
I haven't. I just don't want to answer you.
"How long have you been...well...homeless?"
I form my fingers so three are sticking up and my thumb and index fingers are next to my palm. He nods, figuring out it's three years.
"That's a long time. Have you tried to get yourself back up?"
I shake my head. It's no use, nothing's waiting for me.
"What about family?"
I feel my eyes slit as I look at the wood chips on the ground. We're silent and he stands up.
"I should get going now. I'll see you later."
We walks away, putting up his umbrella as he walks. I didn't expect anything less. He turns at the gate and again gives me a small wave. I decide to do something I've never done before.
I give him a small wave back. He smiled, and kept on walking.
I burn one specially for Sarah, one for my mother and one for my father. I burn one for each of the homeless people that have helped me. I burn one for each person that's reached out a hand. I burn one for each person that has affected my life. Each one I can remember anyway.
"You should use a shelter. They help people like you." A smooth voice says to me. I glance up to see the new boy from before smiling sympathetically.
I don't speak. I just continue burning wood chips. I burn one for him and one even for the leader. He watches me through curious eyes, and he watches as each chip turns to ash.
"You shouldn't let Jimmy push you around either." He says.
It doesn't affect me. I don't say anything and we're both silent. Just watching each chip burn.
"What's your name? I get the feeling it's not Homeless."
He asks the question that no one before has asked me. I finally look at him straight in the eye. He's looking at me seriously. His brown eyes are like a mirror to the fire and I see the small flame.
"You won't talk. You don't have to. I have to go anyway. Take my advice."
He stands and gives a little wave when he reaches the park gate. By now the fire from my lighter has gone out and it's hot. I place it in the jacket pocket and lay down on the bench.
In the morning I wake up as the sky turns pink and orange with blue on the horizon. I watch the sky, and I watch the clouds roll in. I remember a quote from when I was little. No one ever told me where it was from but it's always been true.
'Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky in the morning, sailors warning.'
My mother always told me that. Then she told me I wouldn't be allowed to go out because it was going to rain. And it always did. I would spend the day alone under the slide.
Or maybe I would go out and spin in the rain, walk through the streets and just get wet. Rain was like a shower for me. My face would actually sort of get clean. I would actually be somewhat presentable.
And when it started raining I did. I found a shiny store window and used it as a mirror until the store owner came out with a broom and shouted profanities in Italian. I found another, same thing only Spanish. Another, French. I know some of the French profanities. I took French back when I was actually in school.
My face looked clean. My arms looked clean. I go back to the park and go to my spot under the slide and he's there. He looks at me when I step under the slide. I sit in the bench across from him and he flicks black hair out of his face.
"You're going to get sick doing that."
My mother used to say that. She used to scold me for wanting to even think about going outside in the rain.
"I'll ask again. What's your name?"
I'm silent. I don't want him knowing my name. No one knows my name anymore. They know me as Homeless. The teen. The girl who's family is dead.
"I'm going to have to call you something."
He doesn't have to call me anything. He shouldn't talk to me. I'm half expecting his mother to pop out and yell at me to get away from her son. But he looks old enough to take care of himself.
"Homeless it is then. I'll call you that until you tell me what your real name is. You can't have forgotten it."
I haven't. I just don't want to answer you.
"How long have you been...well...homeless?"
I form my fingers so three are sticking up and my thumb and index fingers are next to my palm. He nods, figuring out it's three years.
"That's a long time. Have you tried to get yourself back up?"
I shake my head. It's no use, nothing's waiting for me.
"What about family?"
I feel my eyes slit as I look at the wood chips on the ground. We're silent and he stands up.
"I should get going now. I'll see you later."
We walks away, putting up his umbrella as he walks. I didn't expect anything less. He turns at the gate and again gives me a small wave. I decide to do something I've never done before.
I give him a small wave back. He smiled, and kept on walking.