A Leap of Faith
1/1
Colin’s jaw dropped and his face froze into a mask of shock.
“What?”
“Jump with me,” she told him. “C’mon, baby, it’s not a big deal. It’s summer, and we’re only going swimming. The jump just makes things even better.”
He swallowed nervously, tightening his hands on the steering wheel and silently refusing to take his eyes off the road. He noticed his knuckles were turning white, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “You know how much I hate heights.”
“Please? For me?” Colin could almost hear her pouting, but steeled himself against it. Eyes on the road, focus on driving. You don’t need distractions here. When she began to speak again, she didn’t try to hide her impatience. “I’ll be with you the whole time. I promise.”
A stop sign approached them, and Colin allowed himself a glance at her. Mary’s black curls were falling in her face, sticking to her tanned forehead or cheeks with sweat from the summer’s heat. The glasses she wore weren’t the ones she’d have preferred to wear to the lake; prescription lenses with dark red frames were necessary while garish pink sunglasses would only worsen her sight.
Colin preferred the former pair.
“I dunno,” he started, and she sighed. She understood his hesitation, but he knew that she couldn’t possibly grasp how terrifying the suggestion was to him. A hand came to rest on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“It’s nothing like it was for Selena, I swear. This is perfectly safe. You trust me, don’t you?”
There it was. She made it about her. It wasn’t that she thought it was about her - no, she knew this was much bigger than her. She just knew that he could never refuse her anything.
That’s how it was for a Colin in love. Everything was her, and he was desperately, completely devoted. She could do whatever she wanted, and he would go along with it, regardless of legality or the level of insanity or risk.
Except this was something he wasn’t sure he could do - even for her. Not after the incident two years earlier. The newspapers had covered it, not bothering to be tactful with their headlines, coming across as crudely impersonal.
Like it was anyone else’s business what Selena had done. Like it mattered when people came to the door with condolences and food. Like it mattered that people ‘knew that he was hurting.’
What really mattered was that he didn’t have a sister anymore.
Of course, things had become a sort of new normal, due mostly to Mary’s help. He needed someone to call him on his bullshit, to drag him outside when all he’d wanted to do was stay home and not focus on the trashy TV he’d put on. He needed someone to snap him out of his daze and show him that there were still some things that didn’t suck.
Colin didn’t want to feel like he would be emulating his sister’s jump, but he didn’t want to disrespect her memory. More importantly, he didn’t want to bring up her memories. Not when the sun was shining around the picturesque puffy white clouds and the breeze would play with his and Mary’s hair just so.
But he could never say no to a pair of mossy green eyes begging him silently. He sighed, hoping that he wouldn’t regret his decision.
“Okay.”
Fifteen minutes later, he definitely regretted it. Mary stood next to him in her swimsuit, gripping his hand and grinning wildly. She was excited. For her, it was about the adrenaline rush and the feeling of letting herself fall through the air without any kind of restraint.
It made Colin wonder what Selena had been thinking during her jump.
The hours in mandatory therapy and talking about remembering her fondly weren’t helping as he nearly hyperventilated. This was the way his sister had felt only seconds before she’d died.
He couldn’t do this.
He couldn’t stand to disappoint Mary either.
She was pulling him back from the edge, preparing to take a running jump. He stumbled over the words, trying to convey just how impossible this was for him. She smiled at him, framing his face with both of her hands, and whispered to him, “Think of it as a leap of faith.”
Then she let go of him and ran past the edge, whooping as her momentum carried her forward.
A leap of faith. An interesting choice of words, he supposed, considering the past few years. He’d been so afraid that everything had become a risk. Mary had reminded him that some risks were worth taking, with every touch, every kiss, every embrace, every loving word. She made sure to encourage him in such a way that he got that last little push that he needed.
Colin thought that he could use a literal push right about then.
Deep breath. Clench and unclench fists. Stand tall.
He saw her popping up from under the surface of the water, laughing with their friends, and his decision was made.
With a few running steps, his feet left the ground.
“What?”
“Jump with me,” she told him. “C’mon, baby, it’s not a big deal. It’s summer, and we’re only going swimming. The jump just makes things even better.”
He swallowed nervously, tightening his hands on the steering wheel and silently refusing to take his eyes off the road. He noticed his knuckles were turning white, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. “You know how much I hate heights.”
“Please? For me?” Colin could almost hear her pouting, but steeled himself against it. Eyes on the road, focus on driving. You don’t need distractions here. When she began to speak again, she didn’t try to hide her impatience. “I’ll be with you the whole time. I promise.”
A stop sign approached them, and Colin allowed himself a glance at her. Mary’s black curls were falling in her face, sticking to her tanned forehead or cheeks with sweat from the summer’s heat. The glasses she wore weren’t the ones she’d have preferred to wear to the lake; prescription lenses with dark red frames were necessary while garish pink sunglasses would only worsen her sight.
Colin preferred the former pair.
“I dunno,” he started, and she sighed. She understood his hesitation, but he knew that she couldn’t possibly grasp how terrifying the suggestion was to him. A hand came to rest on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
“It’s nothing like it was for Selena, I swear. This is perfectly safe. You trust me, don’t you?”
There it was. She made it about her. It wasn’t that she thought it was about her - no, she knew this was much bigger than her. She just knew that he could never refuse her anything.
That’s how it was for a Colin in love. Everything was her, and he was desperately, completely devoted. She could do whatever she wanted, and he would go along with it, regardless of legality or the level of insanity or risk.
Except this was something he wasn’t sure he could do - even for her. Not after the incident two years earlier. The newspapers had covered it, not bothering to be tactful with their headlines, coming across as crudely impersonal.
Like it was anyone else’s business what Selena had done. Like it mattered when people came to the door with condolences and food. Like it mattered that people ‘knew that he was hurting.’
What really mattered was that he didn’t have a sister anymore.
Of course, things had become a sort of new normal, due mostly to Mary’s help. He needed someone to call him on his bullshit, to drag him outside when all he’d wanted to do was stay home and not focus on the trashy TV he’d put on. He needed someone to snap him out of his daze and show him that there were still some things that didn’t suck.
Colin didn’t want to feel like he would be emulating his sister’s jump, but he didn’t want to disrespect her memory. More importantly, he didn’t want to bring up her memories. Not when the sun was shining around the picturesque puffy white clouds and the breeze would play with his and Mary’s hair just so.
But he could never say no to a pair of mossy green eyes begging him silently. He sighed, hoping that he wouldn’t regret his decision.
“Okay.”
Fifteen minutes later, he definitely regretted it. Mary stood next to him in her swimsuit, gripping his hand and grinning wildly. She was excited. For her, it was about the adrenaline rush and the feeling of letting herself fall through the air without any kind of restraint.
It made Colin wonder what Selena had been thinking during her jump.
The hours in mandatory therapy and talking about remembering her fondly weren’t helping as he nearly hyperventilated. This was the way his sister had felt only seconds before she’d died.
He couldn’t do this.
He couldn’t stand to disappoint Mary either.
She was pulling him back from the edge, preparing to take a running jump. He stumbled over the words, trying to convey just how impossible this was for him. She smiled at him, framing his face with both of her hands, and whispered to him, “Think of it as a leap of faith.”
Then she let go of him and ran past the edge, whooping as her momentum carried her forward.
A leap of faith. An interesting choice of words, he supposed, considering the past few years. He’d been so afraid that everything had become a risk. Mary had reminded him that some risks were worth taking, with every touch, every kiss, every embrace, every loving word. She made sure to encourage him in such a way that he got that last little push that he needed.
Colin thought that he could use a literal push right about then.
Deep breath. Clench and unclench fists. Stand tall.
He saw her popping up from under the surface of the water, laughing with their friends, and his decision was made.
With a few running steps, his feet left the ground.