Hear You Me

Joel the Mole,

So how’s life? You’re not still crying like a baby over me, are you? I hope not because, let’s face it, you’re ugly when you cry.

Joel rolled his eyes and wondered how Holland managed to insult him even when she was gone.

I know, how am I able to insult you even when I’m gone? It’s a gift haha. Anyway, I’m just kidding. You’re not ugly when you cry…you’re ugly all the time. Once again, kidding. Now let’s get on to the real reason for this letter. I want you to go to a support group for people who’ve lost loved ones to cancer. There’s one that meets at the Baptist church in downtown Phoenix every Thursday at 7. I looked at their pamphlet and they look pretty good.

“Holland, I don’t want to go to a support group,” Joel groaned.

“I know you probably don’t want to go to a support group but this will be good for you. It will give you a chance to talk about me, a chance to grieve, and a chance to meet others who are going through the same thing. I’m just trying to do help you, so please do this. Also, bring Lila with you. It’ll be good for her too and the two of you can support each other. You’ll be supporting each other at a support group. Ironic, huh? Ha. I crack myself up. Anyway, until the next letter.

All my love,
Holland

Joel stared at the letter in his hands and debated not going. He was worried about what Holland would do to him though if he didn’t go. He knew that Holland wasn’t on the Earth anymore so she technically couldn’t do anything to him but he also knew to never underestimate Holland Vanderson.

Joel picked up his phone and dial Delilah’s number. Holland said to bring her along. Plus, if Joel had to suffer through the support group he was going to make Delilah suffer also.

“Hello,” Delilah answered.

“Hey. Are you busy tomorrow night?” Joel asked.

“Yeah, I have a hot date, duh.”

Joel laughed. “I’m sure.”

“You sound as if you don’t believe me. Do you underestimate my power to get a date?”

“Of course not, Lila.”

“I hate you and your sarcastic attitude,” Delilah said and Joel could just picture her pouting.

“You love me.”

“Nope.”

“You do. End of story. Anyway, I was wondering if you were busy tomorrow because I just received a letter from Holland and she wants us to go to some sort of loss support group.”

“No, I don’t want to go.”

“You don’t have a choice,” Joel firmly said. “In my letter Holland said to bring you along.”

“Do we have to do everything Holl says in the letters?”

“Do you really want to find out what happens if we don’t?”

Delilah groaned. “No, not really.”

“Good,” Joel triumphantly said. “I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 6:30.”


Delilah sat in Joel’s car the next evening as she watched the Phoenix scenery pass by the window. Her nerves began to take over as they got closer to the church.

“Nervous?” Joel asked.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Me too.”

Delilah sighed. “I think I’m most worried about having to talk about Holland and tell her story. I haven’t talked with anyone about Holl. I know it’s been three months but I just can’t bring myself to talk to anyone about what happened.”

“I know what you mean. I can’t talk about her without breaking down,” Joel admitted.

Delilah nodded before once again turning to look out the window. She prayed she’d be able to make it through this meeting without crying or throwing up.

All too soon Joel pulled into a parking space at the church where the support group met. The two of them just sat there in silence for a few moments instead of getting out.

“Well, I guess it’s now or never,” Joel said, breaking the silence.

“I guess so.”

They slowly got out of the car and began making their way towards the entrance. Delilah’s legs began to feel weak and she worried she was going to collapse. Joel noticed Delilah was slowly losing her composure and quickly grabbed her hand.

Delilah looked up at him and he smiled. “I’m here for you. We’ll make it through this together.”

Delilah smiled in appreciation and squeezed Joel’s hand.

The pair followed the signs to the basement and entered the room where the meeting was taking place. People were milling around and talking to each other making it obvious that everyone already knew each other. Delilah and Joel felt like the odd men out but were thankful they at least had each other.

An older lady smiled at the pair and approached them. “Hello. Are you guys here for the support group?”

“Yes, we are. I’m Joel and this is Delilah.”

“Wonderful. My name’s Patricia and I run the meetings. You can take a seat anywhere in the circle. We’ll get started in a few minutes.”

Joel and Delilah thanked Patricia before walking over to a couple chairs and sitting down.

“Thanks for being so strong. I’m sorry that I’m falling apart,” Delilah leaned over and whispered to Joel.

“Lila, you are stronger than you think, and believe me, I wouldn’t be nearly this strong if you weren’t here with me.”

Delilah smiled in appreciation at Joel and turned back towards the center of the circle as the meeting began. Both she and Joel were surprised at how many people in the Phoenix area had lost loved ones to cancer. Some people at the meeting had lost their spouses, their parents, siblings, other family members, and friends.

Close to the end of the meeting Patricia looked up and said, “We have time for one more story. Joel, Delilah, would either of you like to share who you’ve lost to cancer?”

Delilah glance at Joel and noticed that he had frozen up and had a panicked look on his face. Joel had supported Delilah throughout the meeting up until that point and she knew it was now her turn to be the strong one.

“I can talk about it,” She softly said before taking a deep breath. “I lost my best friend, Holland, to cancer…a tumor in her brain. In all honesty it doesn’t feel right to just call Holland my best friend because she was so much more than that. We’d been best friends since we were five so she was more like a sister than a friend. We even fought like sisters. There were times when I swore I hated her and she swore she hated me but no matter what we always loved each other.

I think the reason why Holland and I instantly clicked, and became such good friends, was because of our parents. My father is a minister while her parents are missionaries so we both knew what it was like to feel as if you were constantly under a microscope. When your parents have those types of careers everyone expects you to be perfect. I was the good one who tried to conform to the idea of being the perfect child while Holland was a bit more of a rebel and made sure I had fun.

After high school I chose to go eleven hours away to Stanford University. I wanted to get away from Phoenix where everyone knew me as Pastor Reed’s daughter. Holland chose to stay close to home and attended ASU. Holland hated being too far from home and I think that was because she was so used to traveling for the first part of her life. Even though we were far from each other for the first time in our lives, Holland and I still stayed close.”

Delilah paused and took a deep breath. This was the part where the story became hard to tell, but she had made it this far and she was going to finish.

“I got the call that Holland had a tumor on March 3rd. At first I thought it was some sort of joke because Holland loved jokes and was always tricking me. She claimed I was too gullible. This wasn’t a joke though; Holland really did have cancer. I had just seen her a few months earlier when I was home over Christmas break and she had complained of getting headaches more often and being more tired but I didn’t really think anything about it.

The doctors tried chemo but it didn’t work, and they couldn’t operate on it because the tumor was too close to her spine. The doctors told her she had between three and six months to live. I was losing my best friend and there was nothing I could do about it. I was the fixer between the two of us. Holland would make a mess or cause trouble and I would fix it or make sure we didn’t get in trouble. This was one thing I couldn’t fix though. I couldn’t fix her head; I couldn’t make the tumor disappear. I couldn’t fix the thing that was slowly killing her. I did everything I could to help. Over the summer I transferred from Stanford to ASU so I could be close to her and I spent nearly all my free time at the hospital. None if it helped though because Holland ended up dying on September 20th. Tomorrow marks the three month anniversary of my best friend’s death.”

Delilah stood there looking out at the faces of everyone else at the meeting. They were looking at Delilah with sadness and pity. She knew they were probably thinking about how cancer was an awful disease. It didn’t care how old you were, how much life you had left to live, or how many people would miss you when you were gone. Cancer killed people without a second thought.

Patricia finally broke the silence as she softly said, “Thank you for sharing yours and Holland’s story, Delilah. All of us have been through similar situations so please do not hesitate to come and talk to any of us. We…”

Delilah didn’t hear the rest of what Patricia said. She could feel the nausea in her stomach begin to make its way up and she bolted for the door. Delilah made it through the doors, down the church steps, and behind some bushes just in time. She leaned down as her stomach emptied itself of its contents and the tears poured down her face.

She felt someone holding her hair back and rubbing her back. She figured it was Joel but was too preoccupied to look. Delilah finally finished and took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself. The tears wouldn’t stop though.

She stood up and saw that it had been Joel who held her hair back for her. He immediately wrapped his arms around her which made her begin crying even harder.

“It’s not fair, Joel. It’s not fair. I should not be at a support group because I lost my best friend. I shouldn’t be questioning everything I’ve been taught. I shouldn’t be wondering why it was Holland that died instead of me. She was the stronger one. She could have survived without me but I can’t survive without her. I can’t do it, Joel.”

Delilah had cried numerous times throughout her and Joel’s friendship but he had never seen her breakdown this badly.

“Don’t you dare say things like that, Lila. This is tough, I know it is, but Holland would hate seeing you like this. She would hate hearing you say that you wish it had been you instead. We are going to live our lives how Holland would want us to. I promise you that we will make it through this,” Joel said as he hugged Delilah tighter.

“I’m sorry for saying things like that. I just…I hate feeling this way. I feel lost and confused.”

“I think right now we all do. It will get better though.”

Delilah nodded and followed Joel to his car. It was a silent car ride with only the sounds of The Killers cd playing in the background.

Joel pulled up to Delilah’s apartment and she sighed before turning to him. “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight but I honestly don’t want to be alone. Will you please stay with me? We can have a “How I Met Your Mother” marathon.”

Joel turned off his car and smiled at her. “Of course, Lila. I really don’t feel like being alone either.”

The two friends walked into the apartment. Joel sat down on the couch while Delilah put in her first season DVD of “How I Met Your Mother.” Delilah sat down next to Joel and they began watching the television.

About halfway through the first season Joel looked down to see Delilah asleep. She was cuddled against him and his arm was around her. He considered carrying her to bed but he didn’t want to wake her. Instead he just looked down at his best friend’s sleeping figure and thought about how she didn’t see herself the way the rest of the world saw her. Holland and Joel always knew that Delilah was special but she refused to believe them. Joel didn’t know why Delilah always sold herself short or argued with those who complimented her. One thing he did know though was that this girl was helping him through one of toughest situations he would ever face and she meant more to him than she would ever know.