101 Reasons

Don’t fear death,
Fear a life unlived.
You don’t have to live forever,
You just have to live.
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I was half awake, half dead the moment the ambulance arrived. Yes. Although I thought it was absurd, but I felt like that, I was half dead indeed. I didn’t feel Stan’s hands that time for I know it was James who rushed as fast as thunderbolt the moment I fell from Stan’s grasp.

I can hear the loud siren of the ambulance but I am too weak to open my eyes, I am too weak to speak. I am too weak to tell James and Stan that everything’s going to be alright. I am too weak that even I doubted myself.

I wanted to hold James’ hand so bad just so I could know that I can still feel. I tried to move my hands but I am too weak to do so, I can't even wiggle my fingers to save my life. Just then, just then when I was about to give up because I cannot do anything for myself, I felt his hands brush and then held mine. He didn’t need to be named, I’m just grateful that he is there beside me, and he is there to comfort James.

Just thinking that I felt how lucky we were just to have someone like him.

I didn’t know how long I slept that night, I didn’t know how many hours, days even weeks. But when I woke up that time I felt different. It is slowly sinking down on me and I can feel it, every bone, every organ, every cell in my body feels it. I have cancer and it is already winning over me.

I opened my eyes to see mom and dad crouched in one corner both sleeping. And then there’s my brother James holding the tip of my finger bent down in my bed, sleeping as well. He must’ve been holding my hands ever since we arrived in this god forsaken place. And then there’s Aya whose head is leaning on Lee’s shoulder, everyone is here. They are all here for me.

“You’re awake.” I turned around to see Stan on the other side of my bed, he is the only one awake.

“How long have I been asleep?”

He smiled, “Not that long really. About 5 hours.”

“Why are you awake? All of them are dead sleeping.”

“I wanted to be the first one to see your eyes. But you know the secret, Lee’s been dead awake too, I only tossed some of your valium so that he’ll sleep.”

“I’m taking valium?”

“Got ya!”

I was about to punch him but then he took my hand in his, he hold it tight, one of my hand and he is holding it with both of his. I’ve always wanted someone to hold my hand like that, I felt a surge of hope, I am not alone.

“James told the doctor that you didn’t want to undergo chemotherapy.” His voice somewhat dejected.

“You’re not there when they told me the side effects.”

Just then a nurse entered the room, my parents then woke up, James stirred and both Aya and Lee sprung up to life when they saw me.

“We’ll just go and get us all some breakfast.” My mom said as he drags my dad who wants to stay behind. They left when my mom was able to half drag; half lead him out of the door, whispering, “She’ll be fine.”

“Are you ok? Are you hurt?” Aya’s eyes never failed to make me guilty. “I know you’re still mad about what we did, but…”

“It’s ok b1tch.” I said smiling up to her; I never had the courage to look at Lee. At first I thought it’s real, that every dream I had about him can come true. Though I was confused about my feelings between Stan and Lee that time, I thought that I could easily brush off Stan, but then again I don’t want Aya sharing something that’s been hers all along.

“We need to go then; 10 minutes left and we’ll be late for our first class.”

“You don’t need to shower.” Stan said jokingly, he never said anything to Lee.

They left with Aya beaming at me as if she won the lottery. I know she’s silly, but I love her, she is the sister that I never had. And what she did didn’t made me angry, she made me feel that she is there with her, willing to give everything up just to see me happy.

When my parents, Aya and Lee left. The nurse who just entered just stood there; I saw James almost fell out off his seat when she saw her enter.

“Hi, I’m Cassidy. I’ll be your student nurse.” She said her voice friendly and her smile, genuine.

“I’m Ann and these two eggheads are James and Stan.” I said pointing at them as I call out their name. Stan just smiled at her but James did the unthinkable. He stood up, pulled out his chair and offered it to her.

“That’s ok I’ll just take her vital signs and I’ll leave you alone so you could all catch up on what she missed while she is sleeping. Although I should tell you they just all practically slept.” She said winking at me. I laughed.

“Can you tell me the side effects of chemotherapy?” Stan said his voice suddenly serious.

“At first you’ll vomit everything out and when you have nothing left to vomit, you’ll feel weak. You will not have the appetite to eat anymore, and then you’ll lose your hair.” She said without even looking at me, but I know she’s aware that we are all listening.

She smiled at me as she took my blood pressure and counted my pulse rate.

“I thought chemo would make her better.”

“It would, in the most medical sense. But it’ll feel a whole lot worse; still it can kill or at least suppress those cancer cells from spreading.”

“Spreading?”

“To her lungs until you can no longer breathe; to her heart until it can no longer beat; to her brain until it can no longer function.”

We are all dumbfounded with what she said; she said everything I needed to know clearly, unlike the doctor who only talks about metastasis and other medical terms.

“I’ll do the chemotherapy. I don’t want that to happen I’m afraid to die.” I didn’t know where that came from but I suddenly feel that though it’s the only time I met her, I feel like I trust her. I should trust her.

She looked at me her eyes smiled together with her lips, “You should not be afraid of death Ann. You should worry more about a life that has not been lived. Not even once.”

The whole time Cassidy is speaking James just stupidly stood there and when she left I saw him follow his every move.

When Cassidy left I felt that James just saw his first love.