101 Reasons

Sometimes when my limbs ache
I can’t tell if it is because
I am tired or genuinely hurting or yearning
To get out and run fast for miles until I lose all feelings
And drown in stupefaction
-anditslove.tumblr

I felt someone raised my arm and when I opened my eyes I saw Cassidy taking my blood pressure.

“sorry that I woke you up, vitals.” She said smiling. I just smiled back.

“Your brother sure snores a lot. Your mom and dad just went home to work, I told your brother that I can go check upon you so he wouldn’t have to cut class.” I wonder if she still hears through her stethoscope, since she’s talking a lot.

After a few moments of silence, he pulled out his stethoscope and continued with her monologue, “So your brother has a crush on me huh?”

I laughed, I can feel my brother’s breathing become shallow, I know he’s awake now and that he’s only pretending.

“How did you know?”

“I saw the stars, it’s still glued on the floor you know.” she said laughing.

“Love at first sight.” I said a little louder just to !@#$ my brother. I know that when Cassidy’s gone he’ll pull out every monitor connected to me and he’ll just kill me.

“He doesn’t even talk when I’m here.” Now she knows that James is just faking that he’s asleep.

“Shy.” I winked and she smiled.

“Well, if he’s not going to wake up then I’ll go and check the other patients” she slowly arranged her blood pressure apparatus and stethoscope and slowly walked through the door backwards, when she reached for the doorknob, James is still hard as rock. She mouthed, “Your brother is stupid!” and she left.

I laughed, James stirred and I slapped him hard on the back.

“Hey! For someone so sick, you sure are strong.”

“You’re such an 1diot!”

“What do you want me to do, wake up all of a sudden and tell her that I like her?”

“You’re eavesdropping!”

“I’m not, I just happen to be in the same room.” he said rolling his eyes like a teenage girl would do.

“Do you really like her? Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you tell Stan first?”

“The moment I saw her I just thought, one day this girl will be having breakfast, lunch and dinner with me for the rest of her life.”

“You should tell her that.”

“When I gather all of the courage I need, I will.” He said. “Another cycle this evening, how does it feel?”

“You really want to know?” I asked him.

“No.” he said as he turned to look away, avoiding the pain written all over my face. "Not really." and then he looked up as if trying to count the cracks in the ceiling when in fact i know he's just trying his hardest not to cry. "Not at all." his voice trembling.

“Hey James, will you please buy be strawberries, I’m craving.” I said, with feigned cheerfulness as I try to change the dreaded subject.

“Want nutella for a dip?”

“Your treat?”

“Anything for you.”

I am not really craving for strawberries, I just want to be alone, and I know James knows that too. He left after he kissed me on the forehead. That was the first time he did that.

I know that James needs some time on his own too, he's the one whose been with me 24/7 and he had not shed a single tear when I'm awake. I know that the moment he went out that door he'll stay just a little by the corner and cry. And he did, I can hear his sobs from here. A few minutes later, he's gone.

The time that I’m alone, I felt my whole body surrender. The pain started kicking in, it is not localized, it radiates everywhere. Everything just hurts and all I want to do is to stop breathing just to stop all of it.

All of a sudden I thought that I’m acting like a spoiled brat wanting to get everyone’s attention by getting chemo. Living longer means that I’m giving false hopes to my mom and dad, to James, Stan, Aya and Lee; when in fact the moment I started to decide that I wanted to live longer is the moment I prepared myself to die.

I didn’t ask for this to happen, I felt hot tears fall down my face but I ignored it, I am not crying because I’m dying. I’m crying because of all the things that can happen why this? I’m tired of everything, of me accepting this disease without even having to get the sympathy of those around me. They act all strong and almighty when I see them, but when I’m dying of pain and fatigue I can feel how hopeless they are.

Everything just seems to fit in the wrong way, me fighting for what I thought was worth it when in fact chemo is making me want to give up and just die.

I buried my face in my pillow and just sobbed like an idiot, then someone tapped my shoulders, I tried to look as if I just woke up, and then I saw Cassidy, “You don’t have to face it alone Ann.”

“But that’s what I want! I don’t want to see those I love cry just because I can’t even stand up when I want to.”

“You can’t solve everything alone.”

“Will I die?”

“I can’t answer that.”

“Then all of these are just a waste of time! All of it!”

“You have to make the most out of life Ann, you shouldn’t be afraid of dying.”

“But…”

“Your family and friends will stay with you forever Ann.”

“Then does forever have a now?” I sound absurd but I don’t care. I’m upset. I want answers. I want to know that all of these has its bearings. I don’t want to feel hopeless.

“If yes then where is it?”

“Here.”

Stan is the one who answered. Cassidy just stood there, her eyes trying to believe that Stan is right.

Tears fell uncontrollably in my cheeks and I can feel my body shaking, trembling. I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live if it’s going to hurt me and the people I love this way.

Just then I brushed my hair and when I saw my hands, I noticed that my hair is already falling off.

I can feel my breathing grow deeper and deeper then all of a sudden it’s already hard to breathe. I can see my hair fall off strand by strand. And all of a sudden I feel that my hair became something more of a symbol of time, that the moment I lose it, the moment I lose them all…

Is the moment that I’ll give up on life…