101 Reasons

I’m not giving up.
Because that’s what you do when
Your dreams are more important than your fears
You go out there and ignore the odds
You focus on one thing
That your dreams come true.
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I was about to go to Sierra’s burial and skip the whole chemotherapy cycle altogether, I’ll be dead like her anyway, so what’s the use I thought. I was going to our kitchen armed with the best argument that I have for my mom.

I probably use the ‘I’m going to die anyway!’ excuse. Yeah, works all the time. When I reached the living room I saw Sierra’s dad in his suit a letter in his hands.

“Good morning.” He smiled at me, as if Sierra’s burial happened ten years ago. “Sierra want me to give you this, I included a photo of hers with your wig on. Do you want to have it back?”

“No.” I said, afraid that I might say the wrong words to him; he probably shouldn’t know that I have cancer like her daughter too, and my hair is on the brink of falling off by the next few cycles anyway.

“Sierra asked me to ask your permission first before I let her where it when she’s already sleeping in the casket.” Sleeping, what a wonderful and ironical way to say instead of "dead." Though Sierra’s dad is smiling I know that he’s still sad.

“Of course. I gave it to her anyway.”

“Your mom told me that you’ll be skipping chemo just to attend the burial.”

Right! So Tito Sam is her weapon, brilliant! Never thought about that, I just nodded.

“I’m not here to keep you from being in Sierra’s burial, I know Sierra would be happy if you are there. But I think Sierra would be a whole lot happier if you try to survive after all, remember she’s your shooting star Ann. She just went up to heaven, she wouldn’t enjoy much if she comes all of a sudden to fetch you at once.” He kidded.

I laughed; I can’t even imagine myself joking in times of loss. I can’t even joke around about death in front of him even if I met Sierra for only a week or less.

“Live the life God has given you Ann, and never waste any bit of it.” And then with a wave he left.

I stared at the letter he gave me, thinking if I’ll open it now or later. I decided to do it now.

Quote
Dear Ate Ann

Thank you for the wig you gave me and for being the big sister that I never have. I’ll be seeing my mommy soon, though I am really happy to see her, I’m quite sad to see daddy alone. My brother doesn’t go home much, he is busy studying. So daddy will feel really alone. I’ll ask Jesus to add one day for you to live everyday until the day you reach 100. I love you Ate.

Sierra

I laughed by myself, so this is mom’s weapon huh! Tito Sam and Sierra. Nice. I went back to my room to pack my things up for I’ll be admitted again for my third cycle.

“So you decided to go instead.” My mom said as she helped me pack my things.

“Yeah, I’m outnumbered!” she laughed.

___________________________________________________________

Stan was the who drove me to the hospital. He practically begged and kneeled in front of my mom. This time she’s the one who is outnumbered.

“Guess what!”

“What?”

“I have news for you!”

“Both good news?”

“of course!” he said, the nurse then left after she escorted us to my private room.

“Spill!”

“Good news or best news?”

If only life only has good, better and best news then the word “media” wouldn’t be invented.

“Good.” I answered just for the sake of it.

“James’ literary work got published.”

“He writes?” I said, I tried to think of another guy whose name is also James but the only one that came to my mind is my brother.

“Seriously, didn’t you know what he really wants to be when he grows up?”

“A rockstar? I mean come on! Haven’t you ever caught him doing his guitar moves.” I laughed.

“Besides that.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“What’s the best news?”

“I’ll tell you after you read his work. Here.”

He handed me a copy of our local newspaper.

And there it was written in bold and all caps letters:

Quote
The Flight of the Mockingbird

Someone once asked me what it feel like to be in heaven. I never had the slightest idea what to tell her, so I waited until my mom and dad tell it to her. When it was my turn to speak all eyes are directed at me, and her look was the one that made me say something, something that would not disappoint her.

“In heaven you can fly.” She might not say it out loud, but I think my answer amazes her the most.

When I first found out that she’ll soon leave me, I feel hatred, betrayal. I was beyond mad, of all people who committed heavier crimes it is me who is faced with this kind of trial.

It hurts just to see her lie down the hospital bed, even if I know she’s only sleeping, everyday I blame God. Everyday I blame Him for making her suffer. I hated Him and even wished to take me with her.

Then I met her nurse, funny how the first moment I saw her is the same moment that I knew my life will change forever.

It did.

She taught me how to accept everything, to not only think of myself but mostly think of how my sister is feeling. Everyday I try to forgive my Him, and everyday that I try I fell lighter.

Still there’s that pain in my heart that no matter how hard I try, it will still be buried there. So every night I talk to him, begging Him not to take the pain away but to make me able to handle the pain.
I know that my sister is reading this article now and the next thing I know loads of it are already posted in our house just to mock me. I know she’s a pain in the as$ but please if You’re going to take her now, or any time soon. Please give me the courage to accept it and give me the wisdom not to blame You in the process.

I placed the paper down and looked at Stan.

“Hey! You’re tougher that I thought you were, I thought you’d be breaking into pieces right now after reading your brother’s gayish way of expressing himself. Want me to buy loads of it? Why mockingbird?” he said smiling.

I know that Lee and Aya already did the same thing, maybe they even posted it already in our house and are on their way to post a few here.

“Coz I can imitate my mom, dad, him, Aya, Lee and you. What’s the best news?” I asked trying to compose myself, trying not to burst into tears because of sadness but on the contrary happiness.

“Ready?”

I nodded and then he held both my hands and looked at me straight in the eyes.

“You’re responding to treatments.”

And from that moment I knew Sierra’s there with us, smiling with her soft curls flowing freely in her shoulders.