101 Reasons

I took the stars from our eyes,
And then I made a map.
And knew that somehow I could find my way back.
Then I heard your heart beating,
You were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you.
-Dream and Wake: Shawn Thomas

“You’re friends with Steph now?” Stan asked looking at both of us confused.

“I need to go with her ok?”

“But Ann, what about…”

“Later ok? That can wait.”

“Can you please tell me what the hell is going on?”

“I will, I have to see if Enzo is alright first!”

We all rushed to the operating room and waited for the doctor to tell us what happened to Enzo, I paced restlessly in the corridor that I almost forgot that I am also wearing the same hospital gown that Enzo is wearing now.

Then Stan walked towards me and stopped me in my tracks, “You really seem to care for that guy huh.”

I didn’t answer at first, “Yes, I do care about him.” Nevertheless I should be honest to him, he’d done so much for me, had given up so many just to be standing here in front of me, at least I owe him the truth.

“Why?” there’s something in his voice that I couldn’t tell, jealousy, pain, longing, yearning? There’s so much emotions implied in that one word that I can’t quite pinpoint what it was.

I found myself in defense onto what I should tell him, seeing how fast one attack can lead you to this frightening halls, how fast one life can end in just a tick of the clock. I need to tell him answers that can satisfy us both, so that I can assure myself that he wouldn’t break into pieces when I’m gone.

“Because he made me whole the moment you left me broken into pieces.”

And to that he has no reply.

Stan left when he realizes that he has nothing else left to say to me, I know it wasn’t his fault that he left, I know that we talked long before that happened, but seeing myself for the past few months that he was gone is like seeing him a whole lot worse when he can’t even reach me.

The nurses are probably looking for me now, still I sat beside Enzo’s bed, wide awake, afraid that if I’ll close my eyes he’ll never breathe again.
“What the hell Ann! We’ve been looking everywhere for you!” came in Cassidy’s voice.

“Sorry, but can I please stay until he’s awake? His cousin just left to get some clothes and his grandfather is out to buy him some foods. Please. I can only relax if I leave him wide awake.” I pleaded to Cassidy.

She tried to protest, “I can’t possibly harm him nor he can’t pass me some unknown diseases either since we’re both under strict isolation.”

She then gave up and walked out muttering on how much I’m going to owe her on this one. Little did Cassidy knew that when I was having chemotherapy and she’s the only one there to take care of me, that moment, I swore that I owe her my life.

Enzo stirred and I jolted up, his eyes flickered and then opened, I leaned my face closer to his so when he fully opened his eyes it’s me he’s going to see first.

“God?”

I slapped him hard on the arm.

“Aww! Sheez Ann! What a great way to treat a dying patient.”

“You’re not dying.”

“Well, I was.”

“You never told me you had a heart condition.”

“You never told me you have leukemia.”

“Are you sure you really had a heart attack? From what I’m seeing I think you’re in the wrong institution. Attention deficit much?”

he just smiled, but his face became serious. “Are you ok? You look pale.”

“I’m fine.” I lied, actually I’m feeling a lightheaded since last night.

He just shrugged the idea off, “Funny that we’re both trapped in this fvcked up fight huh? You with cancer and me with the unknown attacks.”

“Yeah, but I’ve been trying to fight real hard. Cancer can’t win over me, just like Blair Waldorf said, ‘not even Chuck Bass can destory her.’ the….”

“The same way that cancer cannot destroy Ann Llanza?”

“Exactly."

" Does Duke Lim has some kind of weird disease too?”"

I blinked. What the hell Duke Lim? “Silly Duke Lim is in What Lies Beneath! The show after Gossip Girl. Please Enz don’t even pretend that you are literate enough to understand such series.”

“I am, it’s just that Steph talks about it a lot, how she’s all torn between Seth and Carlos. I tell you, her talking to herself about Seth and Carlos pros and cons is driving me nuts!”

“Tell her to like Carlos better. Hey, you’re trying to change the topic.”

He smiled, “Yeah, coz I’m really trying my hardest not to think that the only reason why you’re here is because you pity me.”

But before I can answer, the world just started spinning and people came rushing over to keep me alive.

“Please spend the rest of your life with me.”

In the shadows of the unknown, I can hera a voice so soft that I cannot recognize to whom it was coming from. The morphine flowing through my veins masked any emotions that causes me pain, so more or less I don’t feel anything except loneliness.

In the darkness I can vividly picture myself alone, lying helplessly but when I tried to move the pain just suddenly creeps in, like I am being ripped into pieces in a horrible nightmare. I kept myself still.

“Please spend the rest of your life with me.”

In the darkness I can see someone so far I can’t recognize who it was. I can feel someone carressing my face though I feel so weak that I cannot even open my eyes.

When darkness finally conjures light I slowly opened my eyes, only to realize that the sillohuette of the who stayed by my side the moment I’ve been so weak to pick the broken pieces of my being. The one present in my dream that night....

Wasn’t Stan’s…

It was Enzo’s.

I crept to my now empty hospital room and surrendered myself to slumber. But I can’t seem to win over the thoughts that are raging in my brain. I think about everything and anything. About how things would turn out different if I don’t have cancer.

Will Stan and I fall in love if I wasn’t sick? Will I meet Lorenzo in my daily walks in the park? Will I fall for him instead of Stan? My room is so quiet, empty, I am alone yet my mind is in a whirlpool of questions that everything asked resonates in my mind and comes tumbling back as loud echoes waking my brain up.

I tried to shut my eyes, tried not to hear my mind, I had the urge of calling Cassidy just so she can inject me with morphine or something that can take all the pain away, everything, including those parts that hurts but doesn’t have to do with cancer.

My limbs started to ache, my head is throbbing with questions left unanswered, my heart is racing and I felt like chocking it out of my body. I pressed the tiny button beside my bed and an alarm rang to alert nurses that I need them. It’s midnight, still I see them buzzing here and there, from other patients to another.

Cassidy was the one who entered my room. “What’s the matter?”

I tried to hide the pain away, “I can’t sleep can you give some pills or injectables for it?”

Cassidy narrowed her eyes and her lips curled in confusion, “You’re in pain aren’t you? Want me to call your parents? So they can stay with you over the night?”

I shook my head, they’ve been awake for more than a month, God only knows how many hours of sleep they get when I’m in good condition.

“No, I just need something to make me sleep.”

“Ok. I’ll hook your morphine pump until you fall asleep.”

I nodded, she hooked me to some unknown machine and I can feel its effects entering my veins. When she left James entered.

”Hey.” he still doesn’t know that Cassidy is my nurse, they never bumped into each other.

“Why are you here?”

"Talked to Stan today, I didn't know you're into Lorenzo now."

"I'm not."

"Then why are you acting that way to Stan Ann? We all know what he went through, hell it was publicized in a newspaper."

I didn't answer.

"Ann, stop pushing Stan away."

“I’m not pushing him away.” I answered back, but I know I am.

“Yes you are. It’s as if you’re punishing him for some things he cannot control.”

“Yeah? Like what exactly? He had a choice. I too have a choice.” I said with rage building up my chest.

“really Ann? Do you really choose to have leukemia?”

“I didn’t mean that…”

“Then stop pushing people you love and who loves you away, stop pretending that you can do this all alone. Stop thinking that we might fall apart if everything went wrong. No matter what you do Ann, no matter how you push us away, no matter how strong you pretend to be when this whole leukemia thing wins over you, we will be crushed all the same. A whole lot crushed than you think because you don’t even let us be there for you when you need us.”

I didn’t answer, not a single tear fell from my eyes even if I want to. maybe the morphine did numb all my senses to any sorts of pain.

“If we, especially Stan, is at your place would you think that this is the way he would be treating you?”

I know it isn’t how he would be treating me. it isn’t how he wouldn’t be treating me at all. He would want me to stay by his side day and night, he would do anything just so we can spend the remaining days of his life together. Hell he would even beg my mom and dad for me to drop out of school just so I can be with him. He won’t be shutting me down. He won’t be abandoning me. he won’t be pushing me away at every turn.

“We made a pack remember? We made a pact to be there for each other whatever happens. Do you remember that Ann?”

I recalled that moment when the five of us, miniature version of Lee, Aya, Stan, James and I playing hide and seek. While Lee is busy being ‘it’ I tried my hardest to impress them so I ran far from them and got lost. I was only five, James and Stan were the ones who found me. Hell it was nearing midnight when they found me curled up behind a dumpster crying because I thought no one is already finding me.

“stop crying.” James then comforted me.

“Are you really that stupid? Why would you hide a hundred blocks away from us?”

I just cried and cried.

“Stop it, you’re not helping. You’re safe ok? You’re safe Ann. And this won’t ever happen again. I promise to be there for you no matter what. Even Stan will promise to do the same thing won’t you Stan?”

Stan just pouted, I cried harder, James punched him hard on the arm. “Ok. Ok. I promise.”

It happened more than ten years ago, more than ten years yet we stick to it like it’s the most important thing in the world. Whenever James was being bullied Stan and I will stand up for him. Whenever Stan is being shut from their home James and I try to cheer him up and lets him stay at our home instead. We made a pact to be there for each other no matter what happens.

When I didn’t answer, James stood up and walked slowly through the door, when his hands reached the doorknob, he stopped. With his back turned to me I can sense that he is already crying. “you want to know the truth Ann? It isn’t only Stan who made all the reasons. We both did. Because we promised to be there for you no matter what. You haven’t read my reasons yet because you stopped reading Stan’s.”

I tried to stand up and hug him, but the effects of morphine weakens me.

“If you’re strong enough to admit that you’re weak and you need us then it’s your choice to read my reasons or not. But as for now, that pact we made when we were little, please. Please Ann.

Try to remember that.”