101 Reasons

“That’s the advantage of insomnia.
People who go to be early always complain that the night is too short,
but for those of us who stay up all night,
it can feel as long as a lifetime. You get a lot done.”
—Banana Yoshimoto

It may be the feeling of sudden loneliness in the midnight air that made James stood up in his side of the couch and gaze upon the hanging moon just outside my window.

I am wide awake that night because the large doses of medicines that they keep on giving me weakens me a lot. For that fact I should be sleeping now, but I’m scared, scared for the fact that when I surrender to this weakness my body cannot function to keep itself alive anymore.

I saw James silhouette move by the corner and I pretended so hard to be sound asleep. I have never seen James like this, lost in thoughts, confused as if he’ll be jumping off the window as soon as he doesn’t figure out what to do.

The fact that I thought all was going well for all of us except me, James wiggled out of the comfort zone and stood by beside me. He could’ve just hugged Cassidy right there and then and they could be back together in flash, but he didn’t. Instead he chose not to.

“Stop looking at me, it’s giving me the creeps.” He whispered.

“Want to stroll to the nursery?” I asked.

We crept silently out of my room and tiptoed our way to the nursery. We sat by the couch just outside and look at the serene faces of the newborns.

“Hey, look at the fat one.” James said pointing to some random baby in a crib.

“Bro. They’re all fat.”

“Hey what happened to calling me Kuya?”

“Well people change.”

He snickered. And his gaze again went back to the sleeping babies.

“Do you think it’s worth it?” I asked.

“What is?”

“You know, you letting Cass go, when in fact you can have her right there and then?”

“IS it worth it for Lee then? How he didn’t sleep almost a week just to get a B plus in Chem?”

“Duh. Of course it is.”

“It is for me too. If Cassidy cannot wait for me to gather up all my courage to ask her out then she’s not worth it. If she really likes me the way she’s telling me now then she should’ve waited. You girls don’t know how nerve wracking it is to ask a pretty girl out.”

We sat again in silence. I didn’t know James still feels that, I mean he’s handsome. Every girl in school swarms when he and Stan walk by the corridor. Every Valentine’s Day he gets loads of letters from girls, not only letters but chocolates and even stuff toys. How the hell does that doesn’t boost up your confidence? If I were in that situation I’d be walking with my head held high and would be asking any girl out minus the nerves.

“To be honest, I like Cassidy a lot, but then I can’t picture her with you.”

“How’s that?”

“Well she’s always energetic, somehow on the rush and you like chillin’ most of the time. You don’t just mesh well I think.”

“Yeah. You’re right. So how’s the drug doing? Feeling any better now?”

“Well in hard times like this I keep on telling myself that I’m strong, so yeah, I think I’m going on pretty well.”

“Hey! Another idea! Why don’t we switch their names and see where faith will lead them.”

“Dude, I’m not even sure if I’ll make it until they turn 5 days old.”

And then there was silence again. Before when this whole thing was far to happen from us, we joke about death like it’s the normal thing in the world.

“Want to know my top 10 reasons among the 101?”

“Sure. Give it a go.”

“You’re funny without even trying. Remember when we were in grade school? You were in grade 2 I guess and I’m in grade 3? You said you always want to fly.”

I remember, one time, I am desperately trying to convince James that I can fly. So I went up our stairs wore my angel wings and jumped off the stairs. I woke up in the hospital and these are the words that first came out of my mouth, “Did you see it James? Did you see me fly?”

“You said yes though.”

“Of course I’ll say yes, you did all that trouble and I’ll say now? I wouldn’t do that for the world. Even if you literally fell with your face flat on the floor.”

“So what’s next?”

“You always find a way to cheer me up. Remember when Rhose dumped me and the next morning we saw her dating Xander?”

“I know right, You… and then Xander.” I said animatedly, “Quite a fall even for her.”

“You always have a smile on your face no matter what situation you’re at.”

“Duh! I’m already this ugly, why would I let myself be uglier by frowning?”

He laughed, “You’re beautiful, and you don’t even know it. You’re beautiful and you don’t even try.”

“Ok. As we both know I don’t have allowance now so I can’t treat you.”

“I’m stating the obvious Ann, you have Stan! Be best friends with him for all your life you’ll know what she digs in girls.”

“What?”

“Beautiful ones. Inside and out.”

“You always take care of me. Whenever I’m sick even if I’m not.”

“You’re always there for me, rain or shine. You wouldn’t abandon me for the world.”

“That’s what you think!”

He slapped me hard on the arm. “Dude! Cancer patient here, that’ll bruise!” we laughed.

“You always see things in the bright side of life. When life gives you problems you just shrug it off. When life decided to give you leukemia you tried hard to fight against it.”

“That’s me, Ann the fighter.”

“Hey I lost count what number are we?”

“seven I guess.”

“Right, wait. You lost me. Wait I know there’s something else. Wait for it.”

I slapped him back.

“You make us all happy. You share with our pain even if you are not supposed to.”

“Getting close. Top two?”

“I love you little sis.”

“Ewww, good one though. I thought that’ll be top 1. There must me something mushier than that.”

“Dude, even if I say something mushy, ‘you make me want to live.’ Will still be the mushiest of all.”

“Hahahaha. I didn’t know Stan would stoop that low!”

“hahaha I know! When he said that I thought I’m gonna die in laughter.”

“Me too! But hey, it’s sweet!”

“I know, ready to hear top 1?”

“Never been this ready. Tell me when to put my ear plugs on.”

“That despite anything, you still believe. Hell Ann, you’ve been through a lot, most of it aren’t the typical things teenage girls encounter in their lives. You almost lost Stan, you had cancer, one of your new found friends had heart disease and still here you are strong, still believing.”

“If I can’t believe in myself, who would.”

“I will.”

James said, then he turned his gaze back to the babies and sighed. “Hey Ann. I’ve been wanting to ask you this ever since, but I can’t find the courage to do so.”

“Ewwww! Gross!” I spat. “You’re asking me out?”

“Duh! Of course not!”

“Kidding, what is it?”

“Can I hug you? It’s just that I’m afraid that when I did, we’ll both break down, crying and all of this, all of it, all of this reality will come crashing down on us. It will make everything feel real, I’[m afraid I’ll lose hope if that happens.”

“I won’t cry, I promise.”

And he did hug me, I smiled. I try my hardest to control my tears and not breakdown and I know James is trying to do the exact same thing too.