101 Reasons

Sometimes a heart
Cannot afford to be
“just friends.”
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I ran towards Stan and when I caught up with him I grabbed a hold of his sleeves and poof, I tore it.

“What the hell???!!!!” he shouted at me. The whole reason about running after him started to become a history as I stare at his torn sleeves.

I was fighting my hardest not to laugh, I feel my cheeks burning as he look at his sleeves dangling from his shoulders.

“I didn’t…” I stopped, and then breathed deeply as I try my super hardest to suppress the laughter now forming my voice box.

“Fix it now! I’m late for my class!” he said acting like a total loser.

“You can put your jacket on Stan, it wouldn’t make a difference.” I said dismissing the thought of how stupid he will look like as he wears the school’s jacket because it is obviously hot.

“It’s 40 degrees Ann!” he said now fuming at hi sleeves.

“Hey, dude! What’s going on?” came James’ voice.

“Look what your sister did to my uniform!”

“What the hell?”

“Hey! You’re being exaggerated, it’s not that bad.”

“Not bad?! It’s almost falling off my shoulder you little creep!”

Stan is about to strangle me to death when James stands in front of him stops him. “hey, just put your jacket on.”

“But duuudde…” he sighed, “it’s a thousand degrees!”

“I’ll wear mine too, if you’re that embarrassed.” James said putting his jacket on. I smiled at James, how lucky I am to have him as my brother but you know what? I think Stan is luckier to have someone like James’, I mean, they’re not romantic or anything, they’re just best buds that’s all.

“You’re not getting away with this.” Stan said as he is being dragged by James to their next class.

“Come on.” And I stuck my tongue out at him and laughed.

I didn’t know I’m still smiling when someone held her hands straight in front of me.

“Why, you really are fine. Haven’t seen you smile like that. and you have a rose. Who’s that from?”

I look to see Lee standing right in front of me being like a maniac? Who’s it from? Well I was kinda hoping it was from you, my mind whispered.

“I have no idea.” I said. And then shoved it to my bag before Lee can snatch it away from me and read what it the note said.

“Our teacher isn’t here so we have a free first period. Wanna come with me to the playground?”

I nodded. Our school has a playground since at the back of our building is the elementary department. We sat at the swing and silence filled the air.

“I’m really sorry for storming off like that. your brother must’ve hate me.”

“He hates you Lee, now he hates you more.” He laughed.

“I forgot how easy it is to talk to you. We haven’t have this kind of talk ever since Aya came into our lives don’t you think?”

The sound of Aya’s name makes me want to hurl and vomit right at Lee’s polished shoe. Why can’t you love me instead, I hear my brain scream.

“Yeah.” I answered.

“What’s with you and Stan?”

I looked at him with one raised eyebrow, “Errr. Nothing. Why do you ask?”

“It’s just that you seem closer, and I see him looking at you sometimes.”

I laughed, how can Lee be so naïve, he notices people looking at me while he doesn’t notice me looking at him??? Pity.

“Stan is cross-eyed, puhlease don’t tell me that you think he’s checking me out. that guy is crap.”

Lee laughed and touched my hand, “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about that lately though I don’t know why I even bother.”

Maybe it’s because you love me. hahaha. I wish!

“Where’s Aya?” I didn’t see her anywhere.

“She was transferred to another section, apparently she’s taking Advanced Algebra.” He said with such pride in his voice, I rolled my eyes in annoyance.

I’m smart, I know, but studying feels like dying so I don’t study at all, hence the low grades and line of 7 marks.

“wow.” I just said with feigned joy and happiness for Aya.

“I’ve been meaning to ask her out.”

“She told me you asked her out.”

“Really? What did she say?”

“Well she looks pretty excited.”

“You don’t seem happy.”

My gaze fell in Lee’s eyes, well what do you think I would feel? I loved you ever since I met you! “Don’t be silly I am happy for you.”

“You know you can always tell me everything. I know you. And you really, really suck at lying.”

I smiled, ironic isn’t it. I’ve been lying about my feelings for Lee for such a long time and here he is, lecturing me about truth and lies.

“I really am happy for you.”

“But?”

“Do you really want to hear the truth Lee?”

The swing is then stationary and the only voices that I can hear is the teacher lecturing some elementary kids about adding 2 apples in a crate full of 38 apples. If only life was that easy.

“Yes.”

“I am sick.” I almost laughed to myself, I will confess this stupid disease of mine instead of having to confess that I love him. I'm a coward. And only up to this day have I proven that.

“Well go then and take a rest”

I laughed, “Obviously not the reaction I was hoping for.”

He then looked at me and I think he realized what I just meant.

“You’re sick?”

“Yes.”

I tried my hardest to keep my voice steady, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was scared that you would just pity me, it’s the best thing I could do Lee. I want to live a normal life.”

“So you kept it from me?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think that your sickness is that serious right? I mean you’ll just take medicines and then you’ll be normal in no time?”

“I have leukemia.”

“Cancer?”

I nodded.

“and you kept something like that from me?”

“I didn’t want you to pity me.”

“You lied to me, don’t you think I deserve to know the truth?”

I said nothing; I can feel his voice going to my brain, the coldness of it enveloping me with such strange indifference.

“You didn’t trust me.”

“It’s not like that!”

“Then what is it like Ann?! How would you feel if it happened otherwise?”

I looked down, he has a point.

“You don’t have to deal with this alone. I’m here for you. Aya is here for you. We are all here for you! I bet you only told Stan.”

“he didn’t know.”

He suddenly let go of my hand and then he stood up. “I’m sorry, but… it’s too much… everything… I can’t even look at you… I’m sorry.”

And then he left me there alone. I stood up from where he left me and looked at his retreating back. Lee just gave up on me. The next thing I know I was running to the place where I am certain that no one can find me.

I felt my insides spin with rage, I tried to fight it by standing still but my attempts of keeping myself firm on the ground seems futile. I tried to call for help but nothing came out, not a single audible sound was heard. I tried my hardest to scream but all the more it made my breathing shallowed and depressed.

Am I dying?

The simple thought of that made the pain all the more excruciating.

Will I die here alone?

I cursed myself for risking my life just to go here and vent out my feelings. I called all the angels for help, I asked them not to make it hurt too much. To make the pain bearable. To make the dying easier.

A single tear fell from my cheek as I raised my head to look up in the sky.

Please, don't take me yet

I felt my body surrender as I fall aimlessly to the ground, but before I could surrender to darkness I feel someone carry me.

And without even thinking I whispered a name that I didn't know I would call even if the whole world collapses on me.

"Stan?"