Replace My Heart

Jack sobbed, looking at the blood that poured from his left arm. He didn’t mean to cut that deep this time. His new roommate was going to be moving in today, and the thought of Aaryn set him back into his depression.

Jack was 17, a senior at Howard Academy for Boys, and he was gay. At an all-boys school, being openly gay was a challenge. It’s one of the many reasons Jack cuts. Another being Aaryn. Aaryn was Jack’s boyfriend. Was, being the keyword. Aaryn committed suicide three months ago, sick of being bullied for being gay.

Jack tried to save him, but it was too late by the time he had found Aaryn’s body. There was blood. There was so much blood. Jack was scarred for life, both mentally and physically. Tears escaped his eyes as he slipped the razor back into the hollow spot of his wallet. Jack ran his arm under the sink, cleaning off the remaining blood before rolling his sleeve back down over the cuts.

He looked at himself in the mirror, noting all his imperfections. The stupid blonde streak in his hair was just a reminder of the stupid dare from Aaryn, but that wasn’t the worst thing. His face was too long, his nose too big and at such a weird slope. His eyebrows were abnormally thick, and his jaw line was too pointy. He was too fat, his stomach jutting out just past his waste line.

Jack poked his stomach, groaning. He didn’t really like throwing up, but he was too fat not to. He kneeled down in front of the toilet before using the end of his toothbrush to gag himself, emptying his body of the small amount of food he had eaten that day. He stood up, a little dizzy, and rinsed his mouth out. Checking the time on his watch, he realized that his new roommate was due to arrive in five minutes. Combing his fingers through his multi-colored hair, he stepped out into his dorm room and decided to try and tidy up his side.

He took note of the many Blink-182 posters he had up on his walls, and hoped his new roommate wouldn’t mind them. He also hoped that his new roommate would be easy to get along with, and wasn’t a ragging homophobe like the majority of his school. Jack climbed up the ladder and laid on his bunk, rearranging the sheets as well as the posters. There was a knock on the door, followed by the insertion and turning of a key, and Jack’s heart skipped as he jumped down from his bed with a loud thump.

“Oh my God, you scared the bloody hell out of me!” the boy said, a British accent hidden beneath his American one. He was slightly shorter than Jack, with brown hair and eyes to match. Jack couldn’t help but feel attracted to the boy he didn’t even know.

“Oh, uh, Sorry. Really,” Jack said, walking towards the boy. “I-I’m Jack. Jack Barakat,” he said, extending out his right hand, making sure the cuts on his left arm were covered.

“Alexander Gaskarth, but call me Alex. Nice to meet you, mate,” the brown-haired beauty said, shaking Jack’s hand. Alexander. It definitely fit him, Jack decided. “How old are you?” Alex said, turning away from Jack to grab his luggage.

“I’ll be eighteen in June. How about you?”

“Turned eighteen about a month ago. I see you like Blink. We’ll get along great.”

Jack smiled, helping the older boy with one of his suitcases. He swore he caught Alex checking him out before he turned away, but he knew he was just imagining it. There’s no way someone as good looking as Alex would give Jack the time of day.

“Hey, just so you know straight up, I’m gay,” Jack said, the fact escaping his lips with no hesitation.

“You’re awfully cute for a gay guy,” Alex said then, turning to face Jack. The younger boy’s eyes widened, and Alex laughed. “I’m bisexual, you see,” Alex said. Jack nodded, mouth forming an “O” shape. “But don’t get any ideas. I’ve got a girlfriend across the lake.”

Jack felt his heart sink a little, but he wasn’t quite sure why. It’s not like he had feelings towards the boy he just met. Across the lake was Antoinette Academy for Girls, ironically. Once a month the two schools would have a weekend party, and most teachers didn’t even care when kids were going off to have sex in their dorm rooms or getting trashed, making the parties interesting at times.

Jack nodded, trying not to think about his last relationship.

“Surely a cutie like you has to have a boyfriend ‘round here, right?” Alex guessed. Jack turned away and shook his head, forcing his last memory of Aaryn out of his head. “Why not?”

Jack ignored the question, climbing up to his bunk and crawling under the covers.

“Sorry,” Alex mumbled, and Jack closed his eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks.