Replace My Heart

Jack woke up that morning to his alarm going off. Reaching over to hit the snooze button, he heard a groan coming from across the room, and he remembered his new roommate. He sat up, his wrist throbbing from yesterday’s cuts, as well as Alex grabbing it in the midst of being friendly. Jack couldn’t blame the older boy for trying, but Jack was too scared to let anyone in after what happened with Aaryn.

There was something about Alex that Jack liked. For starters, he had the voice of an angel. Alex also tried to comfort Jack, even though the younger boy had tried his hardest not to show he was hurt. It didn’t help that Alex was singing I Miss You, which happened to be his comfort song when Aaryn died. Jack remembered how Alex had opened up to Jack about his brother, and Jack could tell that was something Alex didn’t feel comfortable talking about. He wondered why Alex would open up about such a touchy subject.

Then the second alarm went off. Jack was too caught up in his thoughts to hear it, though.

“Will you turn that bloody alarm off?” Alex called from across the room. Jack mumbled a barely audible apology and shut the alarm off, getting down from his bunk. He stepped on something that wasn’t hardwood, it crinkling beneath his feet. Jack bent down to pick it up. It was the poem he had written about Aaryn a month ago. He had tucked it into his pillowcase after he wrote it, determined to keep some memory of Aaryn alive.

Then it hit Jack. Alex had talked about losing someone last night, and his poem was on the ground. Alex must have found and read the poem, which is why he asked about Jack losing someone, and why he had opened up about his brother. Jack felt like a major douche, and made a mental note to say something to the older boy about it. But first things first, Jack really had to pee.

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Jack was walking down the hallway, an eager Alex bobbing along at his side. The older boy’s constant positive attitude was starting to get on his nerve. Why couldn’t he at least be neutral sometimes?

Jack had all four of his morning classes with the older boy, his happy-go-lucky attitude inescapable. With Alex’s optimism, he was quickly making friends, pushing Jack to the shadows, only to emerge when Alex needed escorting to his next class. Jack was an outcast here, and he embraced that. He was only here to escape his family at home, anyway.

Jack led Alex towards the café. He followed the older boy through the line, not getting anything for himself other than an apple and a bottle of water. Jack thought Alex looked concerned, but he quickly brushed it off and started walking back to his dorm room.

“Aren’t you going to eat in here, with your friends?” Alex asked, stopping Jack in his tracks.

“What friends?” Jack mumbled, half annoyed and half trying not to laugh. He left, getting back to the room and locking the door, setting his bottle of water and apple on his bed.

Jack quickly shut himself in the bathroom, not bothering to lock it when his bedroom door was already locked. He took his wallet out and removed the razor. Rolling his sleeves back, he ghosted his fingers over the cuts from the previous day. He doesn’t usually cut himself this often, maybe once a week at the most, but something about Alex had his insides eating him alive. His optimism made Jack feel more insecure about himself, like a lost loser with no hope.

Jack fumbled with the razor, running his fingertip across the sharp blade. A drop of blood appeared, dripping down his finger. It’s not that Jack liked cutting, but there was something about it. It gave him an escape from his reality when he needed it. It let him forget everything with a surge of pain. When he cut himself, everything disappeared.

A tear rolled down Jack’s cheek as he thought of his and Aaryn’s last kiss, and he drew the blade across his skin.