Throwing Punches

October 15th, 2017.

We were as I liked to put it ‘beautifully dilapidated.’ The eleven of us were the kind of people who fell apart more and more each day, never quite sure of how it was exactly that we kept going, and yet we were strong, stronger than any normal person could ever be. A perfection institute can’t possibly be that horrible can it? That’s what you’re thinking right? But you’re wrong then. We aren’t really here to be perfected despite what the brochure says. We’re tested daily. We’re a psychology study on what makes people rebel. They’ll go through all lengths just to find the answer apparently because they’re fucking us up mentally with all their tests. Self harm is common, as is suicide and other such things such as anorexia and starvation. I understand why it’s still legal though. None of their tests qualify as abuse of neglect or cruel and unusual punishment. In fact everything is A-OK in that sense. It’s what they ask while they test you, or the looks they give you afterwards. And maybe it’s that the guards will occasionally let lose and rape someone in the night. That has to be illegal but no one tells and the only way to find out is to experience it or walk in on it. Neither of which are fun options really.

Let me introduce you though, dear journal that the director would have me keep, to my friends. It think I should go in order of importance, though I won’t tell you much about me, you don’t need to know. So I’ll just get that out of the way first. My name is Peanut, I’m 16, petite, and I’ve got wavy brown hair that reached just below my shoulder blades. A lot about me is brown though. My eyes are brown, my eyelashes are brown, even my skin is tan. Oh and I have an attitude. Now back to the others.

Lets start with Hayley, just for fun. I’ve already told you about her, but how about I let you know that she was the one who named me peanut, because incredibly I was shorter than she was, and I seemed like one. A peanut I mean, I seemed like a peanut. At first I was called Squirt, which Jen came up with, but Hayley decided Peanut was kinder. Now okay, I’ll get more descriptive here I promise. Sometimes though, I just have nothing to say, and you have to understand that.

Jade Puget was mean. Jade Puget is kind. Jade Puget will always be supportive. That’s the gist of my relationship with him from an outsiders view. On my first day he glared at me, shoved me down, and took my single. When I turned 11, he offered me a truce. If he were batman, I’d be robin… but a gay robin that totally had the hots for batman. Because really Jade was gorgeous, especially at 16. When I turned 14 those two years ago our relationship had finally fermented. I suppose I should explain that to you huh?

Jade was 19 and rocking a cut and dye from the on grounds salon that could make any girl melt. His brown hair was cut with a fringe that had been died a light platinum blonde and boy did it look amazing. He was still the same old Jade though. He was cold to outsiders, snarky and sarcastic with words that bit and stung. He could slice you in two with simple movements of his tongue. I spent hours imagining what his actual tongue could do though if we were being honest, not just what his words meant. Yet inside our circle he was funny, sweet, protective Jade. He could joke with us like anyone else, prank with us, laugh with us, and late at night when we were the only ones left awake he would let me on his/my single and we’d sing quietly to each other or just talk the night away.

Then I got hurt. It was just past 10:30 and I’d needed to pee really bad. The fact of the matter is you don’t leave your room past nine unless a male that you trust accompanies you. Everyone including Jade had had a rough day and that night they’d all fallen asleep early (the males anyways). I hadn’t felt like waking them so I’d just gone on my own. Big mistake. I don’t think I need to tell you what happened next, just that it’s something I would never wish upon anyone. That and I will not go anywhere anymore alone.

Anyhow I ended up back in my bunk feeling violated and worthless. It easy to talk about it now, because after everything else it just doesn’t seem important anymore, but at the time I was a mess. I think Jade’s spidey senses were tingling or something because he woke up [I swear] the minute I hit the comforter (which for the record wasn’t at all comforting). He was by my side in a matter of seconds, holding me while I cried. Not really just holding me either. He had me in his lap then he just sort of wrapped himself around me. Anyone could have done it yes, but he held me for hours straight not once leaving my side. Nearly 8 hours he went without moving from my bed. He didn’t eat, or pee or anything. It wasn’t a matter of if you could do it anyways, just a matter of who would care enough to. For a whole month he didn’t let me out of his sight and I didn’t argue.

Not even when I showered, which I kinda think was for his own shits and giggles but around the third year you’re there you’re fully prepared to be a nudist. Seriously. You’d think I’d have been more sensitive about being unclothed after the incident but it was Jade, who I trusted. Besides if he had made a move I can’t say that I’d have objected. I still wouldn’t. Point is we were inseparable and by the time I was 16 and he was 21 he had become the single most important thing in the world to me. Hopefully he felt the same towards me.

And then of course there was Gerard and his best friend Frank. Gerard was gayer than a three dollar bill, and it was obvious that the artsy, sassy, moody, manwhore (I use the term lovingly) had a thing for Frankie, but Frankie was dating a girl named Ashley for a long while. Gerard was the type to brood in silence but occasionally I would just sit an talk to him (jade being occupied elsewhere in the circle room) or draw with him. He was a lot better than me really. He had fancy markers because an administrator had taken favor to him and he used them really well. He also had a shit ton of pencils which made me extremely happy. He was my closest friend besides Jade and Hayley.

Frankie on the other hand while still being really friendly was moodier, and harder for me to deal with. He could be really hyper or he could be really quiet and passive. Either way we didn’t talk much. He and Ash just sat in the corner of the room making out and giggling while Gerard looked on, waiting for the day that his friend and love would return fully to him. A little stalkerish maybe, but Gerard at the very least deserved Frank. It was no secret that he’d come from a bad home. His father had murdered his brother. Still Frankie was happy with Ashley, this average sized blonde with big boobs and few brains.

Lucy was her own story really. She’d been there the day I arrived and was still there the day we all left. She wanted to go down with the ship I suppose, having been dropped of nearly at birth by the front doors. Haven Yard was the only thing she’d ever known and somehow she loved it. She was strange, often in her own little world when Davey (who I’ll tell you about in a minute) wasn’t coaxing her into eating/sleeping/being normal. The two of them had a bond that while not quite what I had with Jade was just as strong. I think Jade rubbed off on Davey really. The two are as far as I know still friends.

Davey with his long straight black hair, pouting lips, pale skin, and mascara was everything that appealed to Jade for some reason. The two had clicked fairly easily and it was only a matter of time before Davey became a part of my time with Jade. It was only when he took interest in Lucy that Davey left us be during the day. He’d still camp out with us at night though, and neither of us minded. Then I guess there’s Jack.

Jack is 17 and hopefully getting out of here in a few months when he finally turns 18. I mean I would miss Jade, but I cannot wait to get out of here, and I think Jade understands that because he wants it just as badly. Anyways Jack was always a polite and friendly person. I’d only ever seen him get mad once and it wasn’t even directed at me. It was directed at Frank because Frank was good at being a bitch when he wanted to. Jack was sort of the silent ray of hope in our group. He was always calm and collected or happy. Nothing seemed to phase him and he was a symbol that maybe just maybe, we could survive it all without things being too harsh.

Then there were two others. I was never too horribly close with them, but they made me happy. Brendon and Ryan were the resident gay couple and they flaunted it. Not because they were gay but because they were head over heels in love with each other. I’m not even kidding. It wasn’t weird though, or annoying like some PDA addicts can be. It was genuinely cute to see them together because otherwise no one really gave a fuck about them. They existed not needing anyone’s approval and to me, that meant everything.

I’ll admit for the longest time I just wanted to fit in, to become this perfect person they said we needed to be. I don’t know if it was to impress my parents, or Jade, or my friends or what. Maybe it was to impress myself and prove to myself that I could do well in life.
Point is it destroyed me.