Take Me in & Throw out My Heart

Ryan had left him. Brendon had never felt so alone. He felt hurt, and slightly angry. It didn’t help that she showed up, trying to be his friend. Acting like nothing was wrong in the world. Ryan was with her too, though he wished neither of them had been there.

It was 6 months after Ryan had left that they came over for lunch. Brendon didn’t know how to act. He shook Ryan’s hand, which just felt weird. To be polite, he simply nodded at the whore who got to hold Ryan’s hand now.

As he ate, listening to their chatter, he couldn’t help but think of how much in common she and Ryan had. They were perfect for each other. Wasn’t that just special?

Finally they left.

“It was nice to meet you, Elizabeth,” Brendon said before they opened the door, again, just to be polite.

“You can call me Z,” she said, smiling at him. He returned the smile, though his was tightlipped.

“See you, Brendon,” Ryan said. And then they were gone.

He talked to Ryan very rarely. He didn’t see Z for 2 years.

When Brendon opened his door at some time late in the night, he had not been expecting her to be the one on his doorstep.

She didn’t say anything, but looked away from Brendon. She was thinking that maybe this had been a mistake; he didn’t want to see her.

“Elizabeth?” he said, trying to make the situation less uncomfortable.

“Z,” she corrected him, meeting his eyes finally. He could see that she had been crying. She looked away again, opening her mouth as if to say something. She stayed silent though.

“What--?” Brendon started to say, but was interrupted by Z uttering, “I’m sorry.”

It was silent again.

“For what?” he finally questioned. Their eyes met again, and Brendon noticed that Z’s were filled with tears this time.

She wiped her eyes hastily with her hand.

“I’m sorry for taking Ryan from you,” she whispered.

“Why are you saying this now?” Brendon asked, starting to feel angry and annoyed. “Why are you here after almost 2 years, in the middle of the night apologizing to me?”

“I just… I thought I owed you that,” she said quietly.

“You don’t owe me anything,” he said quickly. “I’ve gotten over it. I hope you feel better now.”

“Really?” she asked. “You’re over Ryan now?”

“What?”

“You were able to get over Ryan?” she asked again. He saw a tear slide down her cheek.

“Why are you really here?” Brendon questioned.

“I shouldn’t have come here,” she said, wiping at her eyes again. “I’m really sorry for bothering you. I thought this was a good idea, but now I can see I was wrong.”

She hesitated a moment before turning around and starting to walk to her car. Brendon heard her let out a sob.

“Z,” he said, though he wasn’t sure why. She stopped walking to look back at him, and her wet cheeks glistened from the light of the moon. “What happened?”

“Ryan left me,” she said, another sob escaping her.

“And you came to me?” Brendon was incredulous. “Are you expecting me to comfort you? Do you want me to give you a hug?”

“I came to you because I thought you’d understand,” she said.

“No, I don’t understand,” Brendon said. “Why would you even consider coming here? You took Ryan from me.”

“I didn’t have to take him from you,” she said. “He chose to leave you, just like he chose to leave me.”

“Fuck you,” he spat. “Don’t make excuses for yourself. Don’t try and act like you know how I felt.”

She moved quickly and before he could blink twice, Z was in front of him, looking just as angry as him.

“I think I know exactly how you felt,” she spat. “He left me too. I loved him and cared about him just like you did, but he still left.”

They were both silent, both thinking about Ryan. Thinking about what they had both lost. They had something in common now.

“I don’t understand why you came here,” Brendon finally said. “But I think you should leave.”

She didn’t say anything, but just continued to stand there. He sighed before turning around and heading back into his house. He didn’t want to be around her. She was causing the pain he had felt when Ryan left him to resurface. He didn’t want to face those feelings again because of her.

He closed his door, but unexpectedly, he found he was unable to do so. He glanced behind him to see Z pushing back against the door.

“What the fuck?” Brendon said.

“I just want to talk to you,” she said. He could see her pleading with him with her eyes.

“Why can’t you just discuss this with your friends?” he questioned.

“They don’t understand,” she said. “You’re the only one who understands this—understands Ryan.”

“That doesn’t mean I want to talk to you about it,” he said.

“Please, just let me in for a few minutes,” she said. “That’s all I’m asking for.”

Brendon hesitated for a moment, then, against his better judgment, he opened his door and let Z enter his home. She closed the door behind her.

“Thank you,” she said.

“What did you want to talk about?” Brendon asked in reply. He wanted to get this over with and be rid of Z.

“How—how did Ryan break up with you?” she asked slowly. She knew this probably wasn’t a question that Brendon wanted to answer.

“Do you really need to know that?” he questioned in return. This was not what he wanted to talk about. In fact, he didn’t want to talk about any of that. “How is me answering that going to help you?”

“I just want to understand Ryan,” she said.

“You’ll never fully understand him,” Brendon said. “I sure as hell never did.”

“I just thought that maybe I could figure out why he left me,” Z said quietly. If he hadn’t been paying attention, Brendon probably wouldn’t have heard her.

“You really don’t know?” he asked. Words were spilling from his mouth now and he didn’t care how it affected either one of them. “He got bored. There’s was nothing left for him to figure out. The puzzles of me, the riddles of you—they were all solved. Ryan needs his life to be interesting at all times.”

Brendon could tell that Z hadn’t been expecting what he had said. He had always thought about how Ryan had left him. How he had apparently ‘moved on’ as he’d said.

“You can leave now,” Brendon said when Z remained silent.

Instead of moving in the direction of the door, Z moved closer to Brendon despite the cold look he was giving her.

“He really hurt you didn’t he?” she said, placing a hand on his arm. He pulled it away quickly as if he had been burned.

“Get out of my house!” Brendon said louder. “I don’t want you here.”

“I’m really sorry if I was the reason that Ryan left you,” she said, watching Brendon carefully. She had never seen him like this. She thought back to the only time they had met before this. How he hadn’t really seemed to be present. She remembered the looks he had given her and Ryan. How hurt he had been.

Brendon was wishing that Z would just leave. Why was she staying? Why was she forcing him to face these memories of Ryan leaving again?

He turned his back to Z, closing his eyes tightly. He could feel tears building up and he didn’t want to cry; especially over Ryan. He wanted to be done with him once and for all. He didn’t want to feel like this anymore. Why couldn’t he just get over Ryan?

And even though he had been trying hard to hold back the tears, they started to break free of his eyelids. They were hot on his face; he let out a sob.

“Why did you come here?” he managed to choke out. He felt arms around him, pulling him into a hug, trying to comfort him.

“I’m sorry,” Z whispered. Brendon opened his eyes and stared into Z’s. She was crying too. Both of them had been hurt by the same person, most likely for the same reasons.

Unlike before, Brendon didn’t want Z to leave. He liked the feeling of having someone there to comfort him and hug him. He slowly wrapped his arms around her, returning the hug because if she was feeling like he felt, then she could use a hug as well.

They were both silent, hugging each other, and both thinking about Ryan. Z was the one to start pulling away from the hug, and Brendon wished it didn’t have to end, even if it was Z hugging him. It was better than having no one to comfort him.

“I should probably leave,” she said quietly, looking down at the floor.

“Yeah,” Brendon said. Z looked up at him and their eyes met yet again. They stared at each other before both hesitantly leaned forward, and a moment later their lips met in an unsure kiss.

Both of them knew this was a bad idea and neither of them knew if they really wanted to do this.

Brendon broke this kiss first, his eyes closed and his face still only millimeter’s from Z’s. He could feel her breath, shaky, hitting his face. He opened his eyes, Z’s looking at his not knowing what they were supposed to do now. This was not what they had expected to happen.

But either because both of them were feeling lonely or desperate or just wanting of some form of human contact that would help them forget about what they had lost, their lips touched again, this time more heated and determined.

Everything in Brendon’s head was telling him that this was wrong, but he also wanted this. He wanted someone to be with him intimately even if it was just for one night.

He backed Z into the nearest wall and pressed himself against her hard, forcing his tongue into her mouth as her hands gripped his hair tightly. His hands went up her shirt; they were hot against her sensitive skin. Brendon pulled Z with him away from the wall, blindly leading them to his bedroom as they also tried to remove their clothes along the way.

They fell into Brendon’s bed; a tangled mess of limbs. And as the last of their clothes were discarded, they both knew there was no turning back.

---

Brendon woke up later, and by the faint light in his room he knew the sun was starting to rise. Z was gone as well; the place where she had been laying was empty and cold.

Thinking about last night, Brendon knew it was better this way. No awkward goodbyes. No trying to act like maybe they could see each other again soon. They knew that there was no chance of a relationship between them.

Their night of passion had been a desperate attempt of being comforted.

But he wasn’t comforted. Thinking about Ryan still hurt, even after all this time. He was sure Z would feel the pain for a while as well; hers was still fresh. The wounds were still healing.

But Brendon knew: they never really did.