Love Is Hell

I pulled at the sleeves on my jacket nervously. I wasn’t even sure why I came here because being here wasn’t helping anything between me and Matt. In fact, he was doing everything he could to avoid me. I tried to play it off like it didn’t bother me, but the truth was it bothered the shit out of me. The guy I was in love with, my boyfriend of eight months, was pissed at me for no reason that I knew of. I glanced over at him, his back turned to me while he looked at the computer screen. I sighed and looked back at the magazine I was flipping through just so I could keep my mind off of him.

I felt the couch shift with added weight, and I glanced slyly over to see my best friend, Zacky, sitting beside me.

“I should have known it was you,” I said. “The couch sagged too much.”

“Are you calling me fat, Ryssie?” he asked, pretending to sound hurt.

“Just a tad bit,” I replied. He playfully smacked my arm. I laughed and leaned against him.

“What’s up with you and Matt?”

“Nothing,” I lied, avoiding his eyes.

“Tell me the truth, Maryssa.”

“I don’t know. He’s been moody lately, and now he’s pissed off, and I don’t know why.” He grimaced.

“Ever think that maybe you two aren’t meant to be?”

“I love him, Zack,” I said sadly. “And he loves me too, right?”

“I sure as hell hope so.” That was all he said, and it wasn’t very comforting.

“Ryss, let’s go,” Matt said, standing up and putting on his jacket. Those were the only words he said to me since we’d come to the studio. I gave Zacky a half smile before standing up and walking over to the door. I waved bye to the guys before following silently after Matt. He stopped by the car, opening up the passenger door for me, and I climbed inside, a little happy with the fact that he wasn’t mad enough to ditch his manners.

“You mind stopping by somewhere and getting us something to eat?” I asked as he turned the car on.

“I’m not hungry,” he replied. So I figured that was his way of saying he wasn’t going anywhere but home.

When we got home, the two of us headed to the kitchen. He went straight to the fridge and got a beer while I put a Hot Pocket in the microwave. I felt awkward not talking to him when he stood three feet from me. After a couple of seconds, he turned to walk out of the kitchen.

“Matt,” I said softly. He paused but didn’t turn to face me. “I love you,” I said softly.

“Love you, too,” he replied and then walked away. I heard him go upstairs and sighed. This was officially the worst day of my life.

Once I finished eating, I walked upstairs to the bedroom. Matt was laid out on the bed, watching TV. He watched me as I walked to the closet and changed into a t-shirt and sweats before getting in the bed.

“Matt, what’s wrong with us?” I asked.

“Nothing’s wrong with us, Ryssa,” he replied.

“Then why have you barely spoken to me today?”

“I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“Bullshit. You’re pissed at me, and I want to know why.”

“I’m not pissed at you.”

“Stop lying!” I yelled, near tears. “Why are you acting like this?”

“It’s none of your business, Maryssa.”

“It sure as hell is, Matt. I’m your girlfriend! I think that after eight months you’d be willing to fucking talk about shit.”

“You know what? I’m not dealing with this,” he said and got up, walking to the door.

“Where are you going?” I demanded.

“Away from you,” he shouted. And I stared blankly at the door for a while, hoping he’d come back. But after an hour, I gave up and went to sleep.

--------

I was reading a book when Matt finally came home. The door opened up, and he walked into the living room, standing in the doorway as he looked at me. I couldn’t name the emotion that was so clear in his eyes, but I knew it scared me.

“Matt?” I asked.

“Ryssa, I’m so sorry,” he said.

“Sorry? Sorry about what, Matt?” I asked, becoming a bit hysterical. “Did you cheat on me? Did you get in a fight? What are you sorry about?”

“I’m leaving you,” he said and turned to go upstairs. I quickly got up and ran after him.

“Matt, is this some kind of joke? Please tell me it’s some sort of sick joke,” I begged. He looked up from his suitcase, pity now evident on his face.

“I’m sorry, Maryssa. There’s someone else.” I choked a sob and threw my alarm clock at him because it was the closest thing to me. He winced, rubbing his arm. “I’m so sorry.”

“You bastard!” I screamed and ran out of the room. I went to the living room and cried. I couldn’t believe this was happening. He told me that he’d never leave me. He told me I was the only one for him, and he made me fall in love with him. God, I was hopelessly in love with the guy, and he wanted to leave me.

At the sound of his footsteps on the stairs, I knew that there was one last resort, and I’d be damned if I didn’t take it. I ran to the front door, barring his way out.

“Maryssa,” he sighed.

“Just hear me out, Matt. Please,” I begged. He sighed but nodded his head. “I know I probably don’t say this enough, but I love you with all of my heart. You’re the most amazing man I know, and I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you. I don’t know what I did or didn’t do to make you want to leave, but if you’d just tell me, I swear I will do whatever it takes to fix this. Don’t leave me, Matt. I’m begging you. I’m putting my heart out on the line for you. Please don’t leave me.” He shook his head.

“I’m sorry.” That was all he said, and I knew it was a lost cause. I wiped the tears off of my face. I’d be damned now if he saw me cry over him.

“You want to know what? I am so sick of opening myself up to someone just so they can hurt me in the end. Here I was thinking you were different, but you’re not. You want to go? Go. But no woman is ever going to be able to love you like I love you, and if you walk out that door, I’m not taking you back. So I hope you’re happy with her.” And then I stormed past him, up to the bedroom. A few minutes later, the front door shut and his car drove away. I wiped my eyes, willing the tears away.

Love is hell.