Little Baby Pines

We missed the first twenty minutes of the opening act. Mindy took too long getting ready. She must have changed her outfit ten times. I don’t know why she felt she had to look like the sexiest girl there, but she did. I just threw on my Social Distortion shirt and some jeans. We were just going there to see Sully after all. I never felt the need to impress him. After all, he and I are just best friends. Best friends should feel comfortable in their own skin even though we haven’t spoken to each other in months. Best friends that probably won’t be able to talk to each other without crying now.

The opening act was Tomorrow’s Yesteryear. They are a local band that Sully’s DJ used to be the drummer for until Sully got him. The band was a blues/folk band. They weren’t going to get out of Chicago, but I liked them. Mindy and I first stopped off at the makeshift bar to get drinks. She really wanted to try and search for Sully the second we got there, but I wanted at least one drink in me before I had to confront him. I was instantly regretting this decision, coming to see him. Having Mindy here helped, but having Jon by my side would have been better. The world is peaceful when he is in arms distance.

During Tomorrow’s Yesteryear’s set Mindy and I were talking to some old club friends. Since I started dating Jon I stopped dealing pills. I only did it before because I was strapped for cash. I sold pills because that is how I was paid. I used the money to send back to my parents. They have done so much for me that I want to give back to them.

The second band, Give Me a Job, Steve, helped tear down the last set to put up their own equipment. They were quite slow at it so a DJ hoped on the PAs with her laptop and was playing a cover of a song from the Nationals. I want to say it is Oh Land, but my music knowledge has been lacking since I stopped mixing. The cover was really good. I sipped on my Jack and coke. This was a good mood setter. Mindy squeezed my elbow. “Kimmy, Sully is coming over.”

Behind Neon Vomit’s head I saw Sully weaving in and out of people. He looked dapper in his suit jacket and crisp pastel shirt. I missed seeing him dress up. He didn’t look happy, though. There was a grim look on his face.

“Hey. What’s up, gorgies.” Sully wrapped an arm around Neon’s and Justin’s neck. Justin is Sullivan’s drummer. Justin was the type of kid to hear you and see right through you. He had stringy black hair, thick black framed glasses, a crooked smile, and was always baked. I don’t think I have ever seen him open his eyes all the way. I think it is damn near impossible for him to do so. Justin also never changed clothes. Whenever I see him, three months ago to this day, he was wearing black skinny jeans and a plain colored baseball tee. He had on the same outfit except today was red.

Justin lazily leaned onto Sully. “Hey babe. Did you go talk to the DJ? My girl Sunshine? Is she going to play it?” Both Sully and Justin looked back to the girl sitting on top of an amp. She was dazed, swaying her head along to the beat of the song. Sunshine was almost as baked as Justin on a good day. Her tiny chicken legs were folded underneath her petite body. The Mac on her lap looked impressively large compared to her small features.

“Yeah. She is going to announce it and play it after this. It is going to be good.” He clapped Justin on the shoulder. He then walked over to the bar, slipping in between me and Mindy. “Hey girls.”

I haven’t seen him in three months and the first words he said were, ‘hey girls’. Two insignificant words to me. Was he trying to make me crazy? I already am crazy. I need to calm myself down. Maybe that text he sent me before he boarded a plane meant nothing. It is all in my head.

“What are you two drinking?”

“I have a strawberry daiquiri. Kim got a Jack and coke.”

“Of course she did. Surprised you haven’t got just a cup of vodka. Remember the good old days?” He shot me a side glance.

I look up at him. “Sully, that was like when I was sixteen. I don’t shoot back pure vodka anymore. I am old. So I drink mixed drinks. What are you getting?”

The guy bartender, another old DJ friend, came up to Sullivan and got him a beer. Sully winked. “A beer, my lady, I am having a beer.”

“YO MOTHER FUCKERS!” Sunshine’s voice was booming out of the speakers. She is usually soft and reserved. Her voice became thunder. “This is brand new song coming from my favorite rapper in the whole goddamn world, Cunning Linguist. That’s right, bitches. Scott Sullivan is in this barn again. He gave me his new song that he finished cutting last night. It is called, ‘Done Wit You’. You will love this, motherfuckers.”

A nice beat was dropped. It made me want to sway my body. But his voice was so crystal clear that the lyrics were drilled into my ears. The trickling smile on my face started to turn into a frown. I looked over to Sully. He had wandered over to Justin but was leering at me. I then looked over to Mindy, but she had disappeared when I wanted her most. The song playing should have been called ‘Fuck You, Kimberly. I Hate You.’ That song title would have been more appropriate. My heart dropped. I wanted to cry. This is new for me. So new that it is scary. I was frozen in my spot holding my drink while intently listening to every slanderous word coming from the speakers. Sully watched my every move. I watched him grow taller while watching me trying to keep it together. Halfway into the song he flinched and then looked away. I just kept looking at him in disbelief. “Keep your new boy a mystery/I will Hardy Boys this shit because you know I’m a hearty boy/He’ll have to tag team you because I am twice the man he’ll ever be.” These words were painstakingly picked out to hurt me. Oh and then he namedropped my DJ name. Like people don’t know I am JurAssKick Park. Okay. Yeah. “Now tell me, boy, how do I taste?/Because her lips are still warm from sucking my dick/Boy, I must taste good because you are all over that bitch/That bitch was all over me like molasses on pancakes.” He knew I have a boyfriend? He knew why I didn’t call him and he is taking it out over a song. I didn’t even know how to react properly without using screams and kicks as my first line of attack. Who the fuck is this guy?

I wanted to pick up a dirty beer bottle from the ground, smash it, jump over people and stab him with the jagged edge of the broken bottle. But that is what crazy girls do. Instead I stood still and waited until the slanderous song about our relationship, my boyfriend, and my body finished. My body was aching from not acting. After the song finished Sunshine got back on the mic to thank Sully for letting her drop the song and rave about the intensity in emotions. As soon as she started the next song I wasted no time in making my exit. I drained the last of my drink and walked up to him. He stopped hiding behind Justin. “What did you think?” His voice was low.

“Know what I think, Sully? Fuck you. That is what I think. You are a fucking asshole for that shit show.” I wanted to shove him. We were best friend for years. We knew each other back in California. We were friends since middle school and this is how it ends. With him making a disrespectful song about me? I wish I didn’t care. But surprisingly, I did. I am not the robotic girl I once thought I was.

Without hitting him, I left the barn. Tears were not streaming down my face. I just felt hollow and empty. I headed towards the parked cars, to my yellow baby. All I wanted was to be in Jon’s arms and hear his voice in my ears. Fuck this shit. “Hey!” Sully was following me. “Wait the fuck up, Kim. Dude! Stop walking so fast! HEY!” He ran over to me, pinning me against a white truck with a huge Deadmau5 sticker on the back window. This is Justin’s truck. My face was pushed against the glass and his body was pressing against the back of mine. “Don’t fucking walk away after saying that shit to me.” He eased up the grip on me.

I turned around, leaning against Justin’s truck. “Are you kidding me? You get to play a fucking bullshit song for everyone to hear but I am not allowed to walk away after telling you off? Who is this guy in front of me?”

“Who is this fucking bitch in front of me? You used to be likeable, Kim. You are nasty selfish bitch now.”

“I am sorry. Where is this coming from? You rapped bull shit about me. Don’t tell me that wasn’t about me. You said JurAssKick Park. I AM JURASSKICK PARK, MOTHER FUCKER! That song was just petty, Sully. Petty even for a sorry mother fucker like yourself.”

“Bullshit? Petty? Petty. Goddamnit, fuck you, Kimmy. You--” He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and roughly shoved me into side of the truck. His face got close to mine. His spit landed on my cheek. “You shitted all over me. Walked on me. Ripped out my heart and ate it just for the satisfaction of your own sick insanity.” He yanked on my collar. The seam was already weak because it is an incredibly old shirt. It ripped. It used to belong to my brother. He got it when he was in middle school. He is 25 years old now. “And I am fucking petty?”

He let go of my collar. “Sully,” I said in a soft tone. “This has to do with you texting me that you love me and for me to wait, isn’t it? And then I did nothing.”

“And then I found out you were fucking some new guy. You didn’t even have the balls to tell me yourself. Thanks for that, sweetie. I thought we were best friends and could talk about shit like that. But apparently you felt the need to fuck around on me.” His voice was like a double edged sword. I was getting cut twice. “The Kim I knew from California would have never done this to me. This Kim,” he roughly poked me in the chest, “is a goddamn bitch.”

“Sorry I am such a bitch. I didn’t know what to do!”

“YOU COULD HAVE CALLED!” His voice ached my ear drums. “You didn’t even have the decency to do that.” He took a few steps backwards and looked at the ground. “Mindy had to tell me. I had to hear from your best girl friend, the one you neglected.” He scratched his brow. “I fucked her.”

I felt a knot form in my throat and had to look up at the night’s sky to keep myself from finally crying. I such a raging ball of emotions right now and I don’t know how to release these feelings. I am coming undone. “Don’t hurt her, Sully.”

“Everything I know about breaking hearts, I learned from you.” He quoted Taking Back Sunday. I wasn’t about to say anything about that. Maybe he didn’t even realize it. Sullivan looked over at me. “Look, Kim. I am done with your shit. You and I are no longer friends because obviously it can’t work out. I said I was in love with you and you ignored me. I get it. You know what; I don’t know what I was thinking. I was never in love with you because to be in love with you you would have to a heart. You do not have one. Your best friend loves you and you ignore her.”

“Mindy?”

“Yeah, Mindy. She has had a crush on me since she met me. I never knew that. I bet you didn’t. You know nothing about that beautiful girl. You were too selfish and caught up in Kimberly-land to notice. So get fucked, bitch. Go back to your new boy, it ain’t gunna last.” Sully started to walk away.

I cross my hands over my chest. His complacent attitude always bothered me. Just because he is older than me he thinks he knows everything. Sure, we have known each other for an extremely long time. It didn’t give him any right to treat me like this. He had no right in thinking he knows how things will end up for me. I lunged from the truck. My body fell onto his in a heavy shove. He quickly turned around and gripped my forearms, twisting my skin enough to make me whimper. “I hurt you. I get it. Don’t wish ill on me and the guy I am with because he isn’t you.”

“Au contraire, mon ami. I am not wishing ill on your relationship. I just know you. You will fuck it up some way. You always do. Look at all your past relationships. It is why you and Todd broke up.”

“Todd? Todd Pilgrim? Are you serious? We were in high school. That shit doesn’t last.”

“But it was Todd Pilgrim. The nicest guy in the world. Had you asked him to move to Chicago with you he would have.”

“I asked you instead.” He twisted my skin again. “Fine. I fucked it up. It was all me. I fuck things up. Please let go of me.”

He let go of me. I hope that I don’t get bruises. Bruises will just frustrate things. If Jonny sees my arms black and blue then he will have a price on Sully’s head. I just want to get as far away from Sully as I can. I cannot do this. I am not strong enough to be his friend. He is right. I am just a selfish bitch.

I rub my arms. “I can fuck things up, too. Kim. I have two things that would break your heart. I have Mindy and information. This mouth has a way of running itself. If it were to tell your secrets to a certain head bitch then your life would suck. She will make it hell for you. And you still have get out of that college with flying colors before you can go to grad school. You know what I am talking about.”

Of course I do. I may be an idiot when it comes to friends, apparently, but I am pretty good at reading subtext. I mean, it is what I do in every class I have. He was threatening telling Heather about my DJ gig. That would get sticky. The stories he could tell. I was a drug dealer, plain and simple. That does not fly well with sororities. If he did that, I would be royally fucked.

I feel like a chump. I must have played right out of his hand. “What do I have to do to make sure that doesn’t happen?”

“Stay the fuck away from me. Stay away from Mindy. She is done with you, too. I don’t want to ever find out who your boyfriend is, so it would be best if he stays the fuck away too. Just get out of my life, Kimberly. Then I can be happy, truly happy. Just don’t fuck with me, Kim. Or I will take you down with me and make sure you stay there. I will end you because I can.”

I wipe away the surprising tears that were streaming down my face. I think they started when I jumped on him. I think I really am becoming undone by this. His psychological warfare has worked wonders on my ego. I am crumbling. “You would do that to me?”

“You hurt me. So yeah, I would love to hurt you back. Don’t give me a reason to.”