Polaroid Cancer

The sun burned brightly as Casey lay in the grass at the park under the shade of a thick bush. Chum sat down next her, panting heavily and carefully watching anyone who walked by.

If there was a pill for forgetting, Casey would have taken about ten of them by now. Every second her body was filled with a prickly sensation and it felt like her brain was vibrating from the very pain of her thoughts. Sometimes she would sit there and suddenly burst out crying or even in the middle of public, strolling down a sidewalk, tears would roll down her cheeks. Nothing was casual for her anymore, everything brought back a flood of memories.

She bit the inside of her cheek until blood filled her mouth, forcing back another set of sobs. Her eyes burned and her throat had been hurting for days now. Casey could hazily remember what it felt like to be happy. Even seeing Niall made her depressed, but she generally forced a happy demeanor for him.

“We better go get Niall, don’t you think, boy?” Casey quietly asks Chum, he licks her face and wags his tail. Rubbing the exhaustion from her eyes, she stands up and heads in the direction of her apartment complex.

Chum stuck his head out the window as Casey made her way to Caleb’s house. She swallowed back a hard lump in her throat and blinked her eyes rapidly; a few stray tears escaped. Getting out of the car, Casey tells Chum to stay for a couple minutes.

“I’ll be right back, Chummy.” As soon as Casey walks in she is hit by the loud wailing of Niall. “Caleb! Caleb!” Her stomach trembles in fear and she quickly runs about the house in search of him. Finally, she checks his bedroom. “Caleb… Niall is crying…”

Caleb didn’t budge from beneath the covers, he merely grunts acknowledgment. The room was completely dark except for a single thin line of light peering between the sky blue curtains.

“You can’t keep ignoring him like this and expect me to take care of him all the time, he’s your child,” Casey says while clutching her chest, for some reason her heart is fluttering quickly, “It’s not fair to him, Caleb. Niall has already lost his mother, he doesn’t need to lose you, as well!”

Caleb grumbles something incoherent.

“What?”

“Get out.”

“Wha-”

“GET THE FUCK OUT!”

Casey slams the bedroom door shut and rushes into Niall’s room. His diaper is completely filled, his face is bright red and large crocodile tears are escaping his eyes. He had to have been crying for some time. Casey craftily changes his diaper, grabs some extra clothes for him and bolts out the front door. Chum whines loudly when Casey charges up to the silver Echo and places Niall in his car seat. Tears have been running down her cheeks and she hadn’t noticed until now.

Pressing her forehead against the steering wheel, Casey finally gave into the sobs.



the next day

“Is there anyway you can come home sooner?” Casey mumbles into her cellphone. She is curled up on the couch, cradling a pillow against her chest. Tears are dribbling down her face. “Okay… I’ll… I will see you then.” There is a small pause, “I love you, too, Oliver.”

Almost as if on cue, Niall starts wailing as soon as Casey hangs up. She sets her phone on the end table, clambers to her feet and stares down at the infant. He starts settling a little when he sees her, hiccupping every few seconds. Casey picks Niall up and starts patting him on the back.

“There, there sweetie. You’ve been so fussy lately since… since…” Casey chokes back some saliva, “Lets get you something to eat, I bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Chum follows closely as Casey walks into the kitchen to prepare some food for Niall. Only seconds later, the doors swings open and Tom walks in.

“We’re goin out t’eat.”

“Uh…”

“Yeh ‘eard me, lets go,” Tom demands and grabs her hand, pushing her toward the bathroom, “Get yehself ready, I’ll ‘old Niall while yeh do.”

“Um, but-” Casey begins to protest but Tom has already forced her into the bathroom.

“Jus’ get ready, will yeh?”

She closes the door and for the first time in two weeks really looks at herself in the mirror. Her eyes are bloodshot and her face is splotchy from crying so much. Even her hair is a ratty mess and Casey attempted to wash it every other day. Of course, she never did anything with it after she was done cleaning it. She could also see her roots coming in through her red hair, which she hadn’t re-dyed as of recent.

Hopping into the shower, she scrubbed herself clean and rinsed her hair until it felt silky smooth again. Once done with that, she moved on to plucking her eyebrows, adding cover-up, mascara and eyeliner. Casey quickly sneaks into her room and rummages through her clothes in the dresser but nothing looks good to her. Grunting in frustration, she turns to her closet.

“Yeh look stunning,” Tom says, standing up at the sight of her.

“I’ve been looking like crap for the past two weeks and I needed to make myself look half way decent for once,” Casey heaves, chin quivering a little. Her hair is pinned in small ringlets so it looks like a cascade of ruddy water. A black dress fanning out in ruffles at the bottom is clad to her figure and a silver bird necklace hangs from her neck. It was a one year anniversary gift from Oliver. Her engagement ring glitters cheerfully in the afternoon light. “I don’t care if I’m over dressed…”

“Yeh not,” Tom smiles, “We’re goin’ out t’get lunch.”

“Okay…” Casey says quietly and follows behind Tom, clutching her purse like it is keeping her upright.

Casey’s black flats pad silently on the concrete as they are seated outside under the shade of an umbrella. They have a clear view of the beach and there is a soft breeze every ten or so minutes. Their waitress, Alexis, had brought them a high chair to place Niall in. Tom tickles one of his feet and Niall breaks out into a fit of giggles.

“You two have a really beautiful baby,” Alexis comments, “His blue eyes match both of yours. Obviously no one can mistake him as someone else’s because of that.”

Casey stares dumbstruck at her and Tom is flooding with brief happiness at the thought. A smile catches his lips and Alexis takes it as him accepting the compliment.

“Anyway, what would the two of you like to eat?”

“I’m not hungry…” Casey mumbles, her eyes focused on her hands.

“Oh, come on, eat a little of somethin ?” Tom pleads.

“Fine. I’ll have a plain salad.”

“I’ll have th’same,” Tom says, giving the waitress a limp smile. She grins back and struts off, completely clueless at the mayhem she had caused in Casey’s mind.

“Why did she have to say that?” Casey says quietly, her voice raising more and more, “It’s not fair, it should have been Jayde and Caleb being complimented for that! Not us! We’re not even in a relationship! Let alone engaged!” She sees the hurt in Tom’s eyes. Casey quickly feels remorse for what had come out of her mouth, “I’m sorry, Tom… it’s just… everything is so… painful to think about. And Niall cries so much lately. I’m tired and I miss Oliver.”

Jayde’s passing had been a quick stab to the guts for everyone.

Though, right now, he thought that going out to eat would take their mind off of everything, even if it was for a short while.

The night before Jayde had passed away, he had confessed his fondness for Casey while they were both sitting on the back porch, sharing a beer.

Jayde didn’t freak out like he had expected, instead she had said, “Let her go, Tom. She will never love you like she loves Oliver. You can pretend that you are a happy couple when it’s just the two of you guys, but always remember: she belongs to your brother and your brother belongs to her.”

As difficult as it was to hear it, he had accepted it with finesse, or so he thought he had.