Polaroid Cancer

Blank.

Everything was bleak and empty. At least, for a little while it was. Until after the first euphoric feeling of snorting cocaine passes, then all those emotions, feelings of pain and hurt, come crashing down twice as hard. Smashing into my mind until it splinters, cracks and bursts apart into a million shiny, glimmering pieces. Now I’m laying on my back, the cold wood floor seeping into my already chilled body.

Someone is standing above me, they look like a shadow from the way the light is shining over them and I really wish they would move out of the fucking way. I liked staring into the light; the soft glow made me think of warmer, better days. My hands are tingling now and I’m pretty sure my nose has started bleeding, but I can’t be arsed to take care of it. Plus, there’s someone hovering over me. Annoying me.

“What th’fuck do yeh want?”

“Get off th’goddamn floor an’ fuck me. That’s what I want. I gave yeh what yeh wanted, yeh fuckin’ cunt, now give me what yeh promised.” Says a nasally, high-pitched voice.

I really wish I could see what they looked like, I know now that they’re a bird, but a fucking a bitch of a bird, if you ask me. I just want her to piss off and let this tingling travel through my body. The tingles have already trailed up my arms and to my shoulders. After about a half hour, my whole body will be tingling.

“Fuck off,” I grunt. I close my eyes; they feel so heavy, like lead weights are pulling them down.

“Yeh know, I will fuckin’ start kickin’ yeh ‘til yeh get on your goddamned feet, fuck head.”

“I thought yeh said yeh were bringing a bunch of fuckin’ people. Where th’ fuck are they?” I snap back; my eyes readjust to the light after having them closed and I glare furiously up at the figure above me.

She leans in closer, so her hot breath tickles my face and she smells like beer, sweat and lavender. There’s a small pressure on my abdomen; thin fingers are slithering gently up and down my chest and stomach, stopping just above the lining of my jeans. Her face finally comes into focus and her long, thick brown hair prickles my cheeks, nose and lips. Large green eyes stare back into my dull brown ones. They aren’t the stunning blue I wish I could see; even if the thought of her made me sick, drove me to another line of cocaine.

“Yeh should remove that, Oli. Yeh’re not going back to her. Not after what she did t’yeh, are yeh?” Her bony fingers are curled around my hand, holding my ring finger up and she is peering at the silver band with greedy eyes. “Yeh don’t love ‘er anymore. So why keep the thing?”

I feel her slowly slipping the ring off and I suddenly find myself pulling away, “get th’fuck away from it. It’s mine.”

“But yeh’re with me right now. I say yeh get rid of it!”

“No, yeh crazy bitch.” I clamber to my feet, the tingling is whooshing away from my body and a fresh, flood of blood pours out of my nose and plops on the floor.

Splish.

Splish.

Splish.

“It’s been a month Oli! A month! Let ‘er go! Yeh haven’t contacted ‘er or anything, why do yeh still care about ‘er?”

“Because I still fucking love ‘er!”

She lets out a disgruntled huff and turns away from me. Her tall, thin figure stalks off down the hallway, leaving me there standing, cradling my hand and gushing blood from my nose. I don’t care. I wish I could be alone with a bag of cocaine, losing myself to my insanity.

Not fifteen minutes later, an abundance of people come treading their way into my house, all of them high or nearly wasted off their ass. They’re laughing, hooting and hollering, and it feels like sharp pins splicing through my brain, stabbing my eyes.

A random bird comes up to me and flicks her tongue on my top lip, no doubt licking off the blood that has crusted there. I wonder if it tastes tangy.

I stare blankly down at her, no emotions flicker in my eyes and yet she still seems so infatuated with me. Her hand is tugging at mine, attempting to pull me forward and bring me to God knows where. With slight hesitation, I finally take her lead and follow sluggishly behind. She’s patient with me, waiting for me to catch up when I begin to lag from being dizzy, having to rest myself against a wall.

My brain barely registers what is going on and where I am being taken.

Finally we stop at the entrance of a very dark room; the bird is staring up at me with great blue eyes and there is a twisting in my gut.

Casey…

“Who’s that?” She asks, confusion flittering across her face.

I hadn’t realized I’d spoken aloud. I shake my head and nudge her into the bedroom, closing the door behind us. Her eyes looked like Casey’s, at least I could pretend that it’s her with this bird, unlike… unlike the other one. Her eyes are too green and her hair is too long to pretend.

The girl sits down on the bed, staring up at me and all I can do is stand and stare back, still cradling my hand.

In a hushed voice, I say, “will yeh just lay down with me? Please? M’so tired…”

Another look of confusion grips her, but she nods and smiles anyway.