Semiopathy

The day that Mikhail had been discharged from Shady Acres, he’d been expecting his strict Russian Orthodox parents to come and take him home. Instead, he found a certain annoying blonde waiting for him.

Actually, he hadn’t found Kevin at all. He hadn’t even seen Kevin until the taller boy had crashed into him, enveloping him in a bone-crushing hug. At first, Mikhail had struggled against Kevin’s embrace, as was usual for him, but after a moment, he relaxed into it, allowing Kevin to cover him with kisses.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he demanded. “I thought you moved out to Fresno!”

“Nope!” Kevin had a big, stupid grin on his face that made it hard for Mikhail to fight back a smile of his own. “Well, I did, but I came back to get you so you can live in Fresno with me!”

“Are you insane?” Mikhail gasped. “My parents will murder me! They’ve already threatened to disown me for being gay, how will they handle this?”

Kevin looked him dead in the eye and flashed an even bigger smile. “Honey. To hell with your parents. I’ll take good care of you.” He finally released the smaller boy and took his hand. “Do you have all your things? Yes? Good.”

After a short walk to Kevin’s old blue pick-up truck, the two boys were on the road. The ride to Fresno would be long, but Mikhail didn’t mind. As long as Kevin was there to keep him company, he wouldn’t be bored. Stupid and annoying as he was, Kevin was entertaining. He was adorable, too, but you would have to threaten Mikhail with death before he would admit that.

The idiot was currently singing along to a classic rock station, wearing old fishing sunglasses because they ‘added to my rock star vibe’, as he put it. He was so stupid, and the only thing keeping the smaller boy from leaning in for snuggles was the fact that Kevin was driving.

“Oh yeah,” Kevin began, slapping his hand on the wheel, “we’re meeting up with a few of our friends from Shitty Acres at around seven tonight. I told Lilly you were being discharged, so she decided that we’re celebrating.”

Mikhail eyed him suspiciously. “Where are we meeting up? Is it a bar?”

“No, no, not a bar,” Kevin laughed. “It’s this Mexican place that everyone agreed on. It’s got a fill-your-own-taco thing. I’ve eaten there before, the food is really good.”

“So it’s going to be you, me, Lilly and who else?”

“Well, Trinity obviously. And Nicole and Travis are coming along.”

Mikhail gave his boyfriend a disbelieving look. “Nicole? As in Nicole Prince? The very same Nicole that Trinity couldn’t stand?”

“The very same.”

“Why is she coming along? Trinity’s going to throw a fit!”

“Well, Travis and Lilly are good friends, and Travis wanted to bring Nicole along to see you. And you know how Trinity can’t say no to Lilly.” He gave Mikhail an overly-dramatized woe-is-me look. “Well, dearie, I don’t approve, but if it’s what you truly want, I suppose I’ll suffer through her presence and be a proper lady,” he said, in a dead-on impersonation of their schizophrenic friend.

The next thirty minutes were spent laughing, calming down, and then laughing again.

Yeah, Mikhail thought, I’ve missed him the most.

After several quarrelsome hours of unloading and unpacking, Kevin decided that it was time to get on the road to meet their friends at El Sombrero Loco.

“Doesn’t sound very authentic,” Mikhail muttered.

“It’s not, but the food’s still really good. And Lilly’s super excited to see you. She actually has a job writing for the Fresno Sun now, did you know? And Trinity’s playing violin for the Fresno Symphony Orchestra.”

“Well. Good for them. And what job do you have, sir?”

Kevin grinned sheepishly. “Um. So far, I’ve been bussing tables. But I’m working on finding something better.”

Mikhail rolled his eyes and smirked at the blonde. “Oh? Such as?”

“An office job. Maybe in a law firm. I’d like to be a defense lawyer, but college is expensive.” He squinted slightly to see better out of the windshield. “Looks like we’re here.” He pulled into a parking space close to the obnoxious neon sign reading ‘El Sombrero Loco’.

The minute the two boys stepped into the restaurant, they were tackled by an overly excited girl in blue who shouted “I missed you!” repeatedly.

Mikhail smiled. “Hello, Lilly. You’re crushing my ribcage.”

She pulled away quickly and gave him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, sorry, it’s just been a long time since I’ve seen you and I missed you so much!” She began tugging on his arm. “Come on, Nicole and Trinity are at the table together and I don’t trust Travis to make sure they don’t kill each other.”

By the time the trio had arrived at the table, Travis was sitting in between Trinity and Nicole, looking nervous while the two girls glared daggers at each other.

“Ladies and gentleman, the guest of honor has arrived!” Lilly chirruped.

Nicole nodded her head in polite acknowledgement. Travis smiled and waved in an enthusiastic manner that, normally, would never have been displayed. Trinity, as per usual, stood up and curtsied. Even after being discharged from Shady Acres with her schizophrenia under control, she still held on to a few Victorianesqe mannerisms.

“Alright,” Lilly started, taking her seat, “now that everyone’s here, we can start dinner!”

“We’re all splitting the check, right?” Travis asked.

“Yep. So you can order off of the menu, or you can do the taco bar.” Lilly indicated the bar filled with shells, meat, and various vegetables placed next to a sign that said ‘Fill Your Own Taco!’. “I’m going to run to my car for a second, I’ll be right back.”
She kissed Trinity’s forehead. “Don’t kill Nicole.”

Trinity pouted. “No promises.”

As Lilly walked away, Kevin looked at the taco bar with an intense look on his face, which quickly gave way to his signature Cheshire-Cat grin.

“Hey, Mikhail,” he started, “can I fill your taco for you?”

Travis choked on the Coke he was drinking. Mikhail stared at Kevin quizzically.

“I wasn’t going to use the taco bar,” he replied. “So no, you can’t fill my taco.”

Kevin chuckled. “Are you sure? I’d put all kinds of good meat into it.”

“I don’t want your meat. I’m a vegetarian. And if I wanted a taco, I’d fill it myself!”

“Aww, please? Why won’t you let me?”

“Because I said no! You can’t fill my taco because I don’t have one!”

At this point, Travis was trying hard not to burst out laughing, Trinity was flushed pink and looked scandalized, and Nicole was rolling her eyes. She cleared her throat and turned to look at Mikhail.

“Mikhail,” she began, “are you aware of what the slang term ‘taco’ entails?”

The Russian blinked. “Isn’t a taco just Mexican food? What’s the big deal? Why are you two ass faces laughing at me?!” Travis wasn’t even trying to contain his laughter anymore and Kevin was chuckling under his breath.

Nicole took a deep breath. “Well, yes, it does mean that, but the word ‘taco’ has metamorphosed in these modern times we live in…see, when some people use the word ‘taco’, or even ‘pink taco’, they are referring to…ah…how shall I put this delicately…a woman’s outer sexual reproductive organ.”

Mikhail tilted his head. “English, please?”

“A vagina. ‘Taco’ is a slang term for a vagina. And for Kevin to say that he wants to ‘fill your taco’, what he means is that he wants to—“

Mikhail’s face bypassed about eight different shades of red before settling on a lovely crimson. “Oh my God.” He glared at his boyfriend, who was all but laughing his ass off. “You…”

Kevin shook his head. “I’m so sorry, I had to. And you made it hilarious, sweetie.” He leaned over and tried to snuggle with the smaller boy, but Mikhail would have nothing of it.

“Don’t sweetie me, asshole!” he cried, pushing Kevin away.

At that exact moment, Lilly returned with her wallet. “Hi everyone, I’m back!” Looking around, she noted a visibly flustered Trinity, a very irritated Mikhail screaming in Russian at Kevin, who was chuckling and trying to apologize, and Travis on the floor laughing to the point where he couldn’t breathe. She looked at Nicole, who was ignoring the chaos surrounding her and looking at the menu.

“Umm, Nicole? Can you explain to me what’s going on?”

“Oh, hello Lillian. While you were gone, Mikhail and I had a conversation about the linguistic implications of taco-filling. Would you mind if I ordered an appetizer?”