Vengeance Is a Syn

I woke up feeling like shit. On the previous day, I felt like shit. Ever since the moment when everything happened, I never stopped feeling like shit.

I was constantly remembering each and every word that Brian had told me and how there was simply nothing more going on between us. Nothing! After all that we’d been through together, the time we spent together, everything we shared and every word spoken… They meant nothing now! Nothing!

I tossed and turned in the bed and covered my head with my pillow. I would like not to wake up, but my mind didn’t even let me sleep. It really seems like everything decided to turn against me.

I’d called Brian, I’d text him, I’d left him voice messages… and he didn’t even bother with answering me back!

Was everything that happened my fault? I explained him that I didn’t answer the kiss back, that I didn’t want it to happen, that if I could go back in time I’d never go to Zacky’s house and that it had meant nothing to me. But he didn’t even listen to me. He just made up his decision and ended our relationship.

The most amazing four months that I’d ever spent in my life and that I was hoping to keep living each and every day were now finished. I wouldn’t wake up with a bright smile every day, now. No more smiles, no more good mood during the morning…

I sighed and heard the door being opened. I knew it was Matt. I didn’t move and hoped that he believed I was sleeping.

My plan was ruined because he just sat on the border of my bed and placed his hand on my knee, staring at me.

“Hailey…” he said softly. “You can’t spend the whole day in bed.”

“Why not?” I asked sadly, removing the pillow from the front of my face and looking at him.

I rubbed my eyes and cleared my cheeks from the remaining of the tears that had already dried.

“You need to get up…” he said.

“But I don’t want to,” I sniffled. “I don’t want to do anything.”

“You can’t stay here just thinking about what happened…”

“Even if I was doing something else my mind would be always thinking about that…”

Matt sighed again and lied down next to me, on his back.

“You need something that’ll keep you distracted from those thoughts.”

“Good luck on finding something that will do that…” I mumbled. “Not even sleeping helped me getting rid of those thoughts…”

“Yeah, I already noticed you mustn’t have slept very well…” he bit his lip, fondling my hair.

“I didn’t,” I shook my head. “I was always waking up…”

He opened his arms invitingly and I hugged him, resting my head on the crook of his arm.

“Try to get some sleep…” he said, still fondling my hair in a soothing way. “You look tired.”

“I can’t fall asleep…” I sighed. “Whenever I’m almost falling asleep there’s always a thought that assaults my mind…” I explained. “But you don’t need to be here, Matt. I know you probably want to be with Val or the guys. I’ll be okay.”

“No, Hay,” he said. “You’re my sister. Of course I’ll stay with you.”

“You don’t need to,” I said. “I don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to do.”

“Remember that time when Val broke up with me?” he asked, looking down at me. “Remember how you spent the whole morning and part of the afternoon with me, fucking my brains so that I’d get out of my bed and face my problems? Well, I’m here to do exactly the same.”

“It’s a different situation.”

“No, it’s not,” he said. “You two need to have a serious talk and explain everything.”

“He won’t listen to me…”

“Then make him listen to you!” he shrugged, looking down at me.

“I don’t know what else I can do, Matt!” I whined, shaking my head. “He refuses to speak with me! He even skipped Math class on Friday! That’s the only common subject we have on that day.”

Matt sighed. “I can talk with him.”

“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t want him talking to me just because someone told him to… I just want him to realize how unfair he’s being…”

“I know…” Matt nodded. He tensed for a while and it looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to do it. “You really like him, don’t you?”

I sighed and nodded. “I… I never liked someone as much as I like him… Hell, I think I never thought about loving someone until after we started dating!”

“Did you… Did you two…” Matt stuttered and I hoped he wouldn’t ask if we ever had sex before. “Have you ever… done it?”

I bit my lip and looked down. I didn’t know what to expect for his reaction.

“So…?”

“Y-Yeah…” I mumbled.

“Was that a yes or a no?” he frowned, confused.

“A yes…” I mumbled.

Matt sucked his bottom lip in and stood up. I eyed him confusedly until he spoke.

“I’m gonna fucking kill that bastard,” he growled, walking towards the door.

“No Matt! Stop!” I yelled, standing up and grabbing his arms with as much force as I had.

“No!?” he growled. “I bet this whole Zacky thing is just a pretext for him to leave you. He’s had what he wanted anyway.”

“No, Matt. That’s not true,” I said. “If he wanted to leave me he wouldn’t act like he did, trust me.”

“How can you be so sure about that?” he asked.

“I know him. I know him better than you do.”

“Oh, yeah?” he frowned. “I know how he treated all of his girlfriends before. And I thought that it would be different with y-…”

“So do I, Matt. Don’t forget that I’m also his best friend. I can see right through him, and I’d know if he was using me just for that.”

“If you’re so sure about that,” he snarled.

“I am,” I stated. “And if you really want to know, we only had sex after the prom. If his only reason to be with me was to take me to his bed, he wouldn’t have waited for so long to do that.”

Matt muttered something his breath that I couldn’t understand and I just sighed.

How could I still be defending him if he was mad at me for something that wasn’t my fault?

“Please don’t do anything to him.” I said, dropping my hand from his arm.

Matt bit his lip and I took a deep breath.

“Please, Matt.”

He groaned but nodded slightly.

“Okay.”

“Thank you,” I breathed, hugging him.

He hugged me back, even though I knew he still wasn’t happy about all of this.

---

“He’s over there,” I whispered to Emma.

We were both sitting on the park right in front of our school where we used to be everyday, and Brian had just arrived to some of his friends’ spot a few feet away from us.

Two weeks had passed. Two weeks without any kind of contact between the two of us. I gave up on trying making him speak to me. If he didn’t want to talk to me, then it was his choice, but I really hoped he’d realized how stupid that choice was.

I sighed as I watched him greet each of his friends with a handshake. He looked so happy, laughing with them and talking, while I probably looked like the most depressed person in the whole building.

I saw him reaching for his jeans’ pocket and taking out his pack of Marlboro, as he kept laughing with the people around him. He lit one of the cigarettes and took a look around. I knew his eyes caught mine as he suddenly locked them with mine.

He quickly looked the other way and exhaled the smoke. The smile on his face fell and he tried to absorb himself on the chatting his friends were having.

“Oh, he still hates me!” I cried, burying my face in my hands.

“No, he doesn’t!” Emma wrapped her arm around my shoulders and tried to comfort me.

“Then why does he keep avoiding me!?” I whined.

“I don’t know…” she sighed. “He’s being really stubborn, I know, but maybe he has his reasons…”

“Don’t try to excuse him!” I scoffed. “He doesn’t even agree with talking to me…”

Emma sighed and I rested my head on my arms that were placed over my knees.

I watched as Brian suddenly lost his interest on his friends’ conversation and focused on the smoke that left his lips on a hypnotizing dance.

I kept looking at that place all the time until the bell warned us that English class would be starting.

“You coming?” Emma stood up.

“Huh?” I asked her, confused, raising my head and looking at her.

“It’s time for us to go… We still have classes.”

“Oh… Yeah,” I nodded. “I’ll be there soon.”

Emma nodded and started walking towards the school gates.

I sighed once again and stood up. I ran a hand through my hair as I picked up my backpack and slowly made my way towards the building.

I didn’t bother with rushing my pace, so, when I was finally inside the edifice, there was practically no one in there.

I kept looking to the ground until I bumped into somebody’s back, making him drop all the things he got from his locker.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry!” I apologized. “I’ll pick that up.”

I bent down to pick up the books and as soon as I looked up my eyes widened with surprise.

“Oh…” I stuttered when I saw that the person was Brian. “H-here are y-your s-stuff, I’m s-sorry…”

“It’s okay,” he mumbled, shrugging and grabbing the books. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

His eyes caught mine and I lost myself in them once again. I just wanted to touch him, hug him, kiss him, but I couldn’t!

He casted his eyes downwards and closed his locker.

“Brian,” I said when he was ready to turn around.

He blinked and looked back, arching one of his eyebrows.

“Hum…” I bit my lip and he kept the same expression on his face. “I… I can’t bear not speaking to you,” I whispered. “It’s killing me!”

He sucked his bottom lip in and avoided looking at me.

“Just stop ignoring me, please!” I begged, turning his face so that he was looking at me.

He removed my hands from his face and shook his head.

“I just can’t…” he sighed. “I can’t speak with you without remembering everything that happened between us.”

“Neither can I! But I need you to forgive me, Brian!”

“I can’t,” he shook his head.

“Please, Brian.” I rubbed my face desperately. “Don’t do that.”

He kept looking down and I groaned in frustration.

“I can’t keep apologizing to you for something that isn’t my fault!” I cried. “Please, Bri… Just… Please forgive me… I promise it’s the last time I’ll ask for your apology.”

He didn’t say a thing, and I just nodded silently.

“Okay…” I bit my lip. “Can we still be friends, though?”

“Yeah, I guess…” he shrugged.

“Okay,” I nodded. “Will you come to class?”

“Yeah… We’re already late…”

“I know…” I nodded.

I knew that if we were still together he’d ask me to skip this class with him so that we could be together. But he didn’t even want to skip it, much less if it was with my company.

I smiled slightly at him and started walking, waiting for him to walk by my side.

We walked in silence to the classroom and I didn’t even hear his answer to the teacher’s question for why we were late. My head was spinning with thoughts and memories until I finally sat down on my desk, to be greeted by a sympathetic Jimmy.

I sighed and smiled at him, trying to show him that I was okay.

I just wanted this day to be over already. I just wanted the second half of June to arrive so that the boys could leave for the tour and I could clear my head from Brian.