Perfect to Me

I stared into the mirror. I hate myself, I really do. Life hasn’t been kind to me.

I sighed, remembering my past.

I had always been picked on, for one reason or another. Usually because I was shorter than everyone else, or because I had a weird name. Nevana.

The only friend I had had growing up was a stuffed Kermit the frog, sad as that sounds. Bullies picked on me in day care, because I always carried the muppet around. One time, a boy threw the muppet into a mud puddle and laughed at my tears. I tackled him and started pulling his hair, but the teacher decided then to see what was happening, and I got punished.

My mom never let me have birthday parties, like the other kids. It always hurt when I saw the neighbor’s children playing with friends, knowing that I had none, and never could have a birthday party like they did. I used to watch the kids have fun from my window, and I would cry, because they were happy and I wasn’t.

Later, when I was a teenager, my mom gave me crap about my style. I liked being a darker kind of person, with darker clothes and dark makeup. I enjoyed being like that, but my mom wouldn’t hear it. She forced me to dress in blouses and skirts in pastel colors.

Skip ahead to five years ago, when I was seventeen. I felt far fatter than the skinny girls who were in the mall. I went to the bathroom to avoid their cruel gazes. Pulling the drugs out of my bag, I started to snort my drugs. They made me feel better about myself. I started to carve the words “skinny bitches” in the walls of the bathroom, angry at the girls who were so perfect. I actually stole a dress from a store, because it was expensive and only the skinny bitches could afford it, not me. I ended up spending the night in jail because my mom wouldn’t bail me out.

While in jail, I decided to get out of my mom’s house, to be free and live away from her. I moved out when I turned nineteen. I’ve been avoiding her since then.

Now I was weighing myself on the scale, looking in the mirror. My bones were clearly visible through my skin, since I was anorexic, but I still felt overweight. I hated being the way I am. My long blonde hair wasn’t the deep gold most people liked, but a pale color close to white. My eyes were a pale blue, almost the color of water. They looked glassy most of the time. Overall, I looked like a fat blonde idiot.

I felt a tear slip down my face as I decided to get dressed, since I’d be taking my little sister to Build-a-Bear workshop today.. I put on a pair of black jeans and a grey shirt. Then I pulled a large black hoodie on, one that hid my body. I was uncomfortable wearing anything other than hoodies.

I pulled my hair back into a ponytail and put on a thin line of eyeliner around my eyes. Then I left the apartment to go pick up my sister from my mom’s house.

“Nevana.” My mom said flatly when I stood in front of the door.

“Mother.” I replied.

We really didn’t like each other. “I’m just here to pick up Josie,” I said.

“Fine,” my mom said. She left the door for a minute and returned with my sister, who was only three years old. She was adorable. “Here’s the money,” she said, handing me three twenties to buy her a stuffed animal.

“Sissy!” she said, hugging my legs. I put my arms around her, hugging her. I may hate my mom, but I love my sister.

“Bring her back by six,” my mom said as I started walking away with Josie. I put Josie in the car seat in the back of my car, and then got in the driver’s seat.

I started driving us to the mall. “Where are we going?” my sister asked me in her adorable toddler voice.

“It’s a surprise,” I said, looking at her using the mirror.

“Oh, I don’t like surprises,” Josie said, pouting.

“Well, you’ll like this one, I promise,” I said, smiling.

I listened to her adorable three year old babble as we walked into the mall. I held her tiny hand the whole way, till Build-a-Bear workshop was in sight. Josie squealed, obviously excited to be going there.

“Omigosh! I can get a bear or a frog or a dolphin or a monkey or a fish!” Josie yelled, super excited. She ran into the store, and I followed her, laughing.

This was kind of funny, a twenty two year old girl following a three year old into a little kid store, but I didn’t mind really. I liked making Josie happy.

“Nevie!” I want a monkey!” she said, pointing at a stuffed monkey on the wall. Problem was, I wasn’t exactly tall, and the monkey was really high up on the shelf. I reached for it, but I wasn’t tall enough.

Suddenly I felt a warm chest pressed up against my back, and an arm reached up and grabbed a monkey from the shelf. I turned around, to see a guy with long black hair looking at me. He handed me the monkey. “You looked like you could use some help,” he said.
I nodded, taking the monkey skin from him. I handed it to my sister, who squealed with delight.

“I’m CC,” he said, holding out a hand to me.

I took his hand and shook it. “I’m Nevana,” I said.

“That’s a cool name,” CC said. “Can I call you Vana?”

I nodded. Vana was fine, I didn’t really care what people called me, actually.

My sister tugged on my pants, interrupting CC. “Nevie! I wanna get it stuffed!” she said.
I laughed. I picked Josie up, putting her on my hip and taking her over to the stuffing line. CC followed me, holding a stuffing-less lion. Josie took a red heart out of the bucket and held onto her monkey tightly.

“So is this cutie your daughter?” CC asked, looking at Josie.

I shook my head. “Not a chance. She’s my sister,” I said.

“Oh, sorry,” CC said, looking embarrassed.

“It’s fine,” I said, chuckling a little. CC was pretty funny when he was embarrassed.

Then Josie and I made it to the front of the line, so I set her down, and she ran to the guy running the stuffing machine. She got her monkey stuffed, and she put the heart in it, smiling as the back was stitched shut. CC must’ve made his lion at the other stuffing station, because when we got to the part where you make a birth certificate for them he was at the computer next to us.

“What do you want to name your monkey?” I asked Josie.

She clutched the monkey to her chest, then said, “Sally.”

I typed it in quickly, hitting print so she could get her monkey’s birth certificate.
“So, Vana, you seem like the kind of girl I could be good friends with. Do you want to hang out sometime?” CC asked me as we went through the stuffed animal clothes. Josie was picking out princess clothes for Sally, and CC seemed to be getting rockstar clothes for his lion.

“Sure,” I said. CC did seem pretty nice.

“Hand me your phone, I’ll give you my number,” CC said. I took out my phone and handed it to him. He did some quick typing, then handed my phone back to me. “Send me a text, then I’ll have your number.”

I typed quickly as Josie danced around the store with her monkey’s pink dress. “Hey, it’s me, Vana,” I sent to CC.

CC got my text and saved my number. “Well, I’ll call you later, I’ve got band practice soon,” he said, walking to the checkout and buying his lion. I did the same with Josie’s monkey, and then started to think about what he said. He said band practice…did that mean he was in a band?

Later, after I had taken Josie back to my mom’s house, I went home. I was just sitting around when CC called me.

“Hey, Vana,” he said.

“Hey, CC,” I said, smiling.

“Want to hang out soon?” he asked.

“Sure, sounds good.”

“When are you free?” he asked.

“Anytime today, I’ve got the day off work. Tomorrow I’ll be working till three,” I said.

“Okay, well do you want to meet up at the beach tomorrow at three thirty?” he asked me.

“Sounds good, but which beach?” There’s like five in LA.

“Venice Beach, my favorite one,” he said.

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” I said.

“Well, I got to go, text you later,” he said, hanging up.

I smiled. I had a friend.