Cingulomania

“I love you, Yuu.”

Yuu says nothing; he only hums in response and kisses the blonde's hair and hopes that Akira isn't offended that he can't say it back. He feels the blonde's arms tighten around his waist, and he holds on tighter, too. Akira's head finds his chest, and he kisses Yuu's shoulder, and the dark-haired man still can't say a word.

“Don't worry,” the blonde adds, and his voice is quieter, and Yuu is sure that he can sense a tinge of hurt. “I'm not in a rush to hear you say it back.” He settles closer, pressed against Yuu's side, and Yuu hates himself and knows he doesn't deserve to have Akira lying next to him like this.

He kisses Akira's forehead, closing his eyes. “I'm sorry,” he whispers. It's hard. I miss him. It still hurts. His hand awkwardly rubs Akira's back, and he presses another kiss to his skin.

Akira says nothing, merely closing his eyes and nestling his head into the crook of Yuu's neck. He finds warmth here, pressed against Yuu's body, and it's the only warmth he's able to get. He sighs, and he feels Yuu's head resting against his. Sometimes he's not sure why he stays, but he knows that Yuu is struggling as much as everyone else that knew Kouyou is, and he knows that he'd never leave. “Stop saying sorry,” he says quietly, and he bites his lip as his heart knots up, pressing his face into Yuu's neck in a fight to hold back tears.

Yuu is screaming at himself on the inside, but he tries to keep a calm exterior. A glance to the side earns him a pain in his chest as his gaze rests upon a photograph, and he bites his lip as he finds that he can't look away. Kouyou is beaming at him with Yuu's arms wrapped around him from behind, laughing as Yuu ducks down for what Yuu remembers is a kiss to the very soft skin of his neck.

Yuu would give anything to hold that man in his arms again.

- - - - -

Akira is in the shower when Yuu decides that he wants to pick up the photograph. His fingers brush over the glass protecting it, and he bites his lip as the same swell of hurt washes over him. He feels a need that he can't quite pin a word to, and he just knows that it's the strongest need he's ever felt.

“He's nothing like you,” he says softly. He smiles a little as he tries to imagine that the photograph version of Kouyou is real, and then sweeps his thumb over the glass, trying to remember what the real Kouyou felt like. “He doesn't say a whole lot; I could never get you to shut up.” His smile falters, and a few tears drip from his eyes. “But he's amazing, and I think you'd really like him.”

The photographed Kouyou only smiles and laughs up at him, frozen in the happy moment that seems like a blurred memory. Yuu knows that Kouyou would slap him for treating his new boyfriend the way he has been, but he's not entirely sure that he knows how to change. He also knows that Kouyou would probably harass him about his lack of a sex life, but he's not entirely sure he knows how to change that, either.

It still feels like cheating when he's with Akira. He feels guilty when he's holding the blonde in his arms, and he feels even more so when they kiss. Some part of him is sure that Akira understands why they rarely get intimate, yet some other part of him is sure that the blonde hates him for being a prude. “I miss you, baby,” he finally whispers, and the tear that drops onto the glass smears when his thumb sweeps over it, trying to wipe it away. “I'd give anything to have you here.”

The urge to break down is unbearable, but the energy required to do so has been drained from him. He clumsily puts the photograph back on the nightstand, and then he curls up into himself, legs bent and arms wrapped around them, holding them to his chest. He rests his forehead on his knees, and his body trembles as he tries to force out a few stifling sobs.

He doesn't hear Akira shut off the shower, nor does he see the blonde padding out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist. But he does feel the bed sink as Akira kneels beside him, and he leans into him as arms wrap around him. Akira kisses the top of his head, worried by the sudden breakdown, and he tries to calm the dark-haired man by rubbing his back.

“I love you, Akira.” The words are whispered, and Akira barely hears them, but he has to blink back a few tears as Yuu turns and clings onto him, unsure how to react.

“Jesus, Yuu, you idiot,” he breathes, and he holds on tighter as Yuu buries his face in his neck. “You know I love you, too.”

- - - - -

On the anniversary of Kouyou's death, Yuu tells Akira that he's going to the cemetery. “Gonna go visit him,” he says quietly, and Akira simply nods and tries a smile for him. Going to visit his grave, he corrects himself. He's not there anymore. He tries a smile of his own, and Akira says nothing but he knows that it's the worst smile he's ever seen.

Akira gives him a kiss before he leaves, and he says, “I love you,” before he pulls away. He tries a smile again, and he watches as Yuu leaves. Yuu hasn't said it back in a while, and it hurts, but Akira means it when he says he loves him, so he hasn't left yet. At least, he reminds himself, he knows why he stays now.

When he shuts the door, he sees the picture of Kouyou that's been on their coffee table for months, and he feels jealous. To him, it's almost as if Kouyou still has more of Yuu's heart than Akira does, and that hurts too. But he sucks it up and bites his lip and walks away from the photograph, disappearing into their bedroom instead.

Yuu still doesn't know what he's doing to Akira. All he knows is that he's had to live without Kouyou for a year now, and he misses that man too much. It's enough to keep him from moving on, and it's enough to make him dream of holding Kouyou again- just one more time, his thoughts beg, and there are tears in his eyes before he's driven more than a mile. He bites his lip, harder than he means to, and his grip tightens on the steering wheel, making his knuckles turn white.

But the drive isn't long, and he's thankful for that. After another couple of miles, he's parking in the lot at the cemetery, and he lets his head drop forward, his forehead resting against the steering wheel. His eyes close, and his shoulders tremble, and he wrenches out a sob when he feels a particularly strong ache in his chest. When the tears start dripping from his eyes, he remembers why he rarely comes here.

Almost too vividly, he can imagine what Kouyou would do if he saw him this way. He can almost see Kouyou rushing toward him to comfort him, and he can almost feel Kouyou's arms winding around him and Kouyou's lips kissing his hair. He misses those small comforts more than he cares to admit, and it makes his heart ache again when he has to force himself to not think about what he would kill to feel just one more time.

He straightens, and he wipes his eyes, and then he forces himself to get out of the car and begin the walk to Kouyou's grave. The steps that lead him there are second-nature, ingrained in his memory from having to visit too many times. And when he finally finds it, he drops to his knees, and he reaches out to press his palm against the headstone. His thumb brushes over the cold marble, and his heart pangs again.

He feels more tears building up in his eyes, a few of them dripping down his cheeks. His hand drops from the headstone, and he folds it into the other hand in his lap as he gazes at the inscription on the stone before him. He can't help but let a few more tears slip out, and he feels a very familiar sense of being lost and hopeless as he sits in front of Kouyou's grave in silence.

He doesn't hear the footsteps approaching him, and he doesn't hear the soft sigh from directly above and behind him. He does, however, feel the hand resting on his shoulder, and without thinking, he rests his own hand over it, starting when he realizes that the hand is real. He looks up, part of him hoping he'll see Kouyou, part of him relieved to see Akira standing there, offering a small smile.

"Get up,” he says, and his hand slips from beneath Yuu's, turning palm-up. He offers another smile, and this one looks more sincere. Yuu tries to smile back, and he takes the offered hand, pulling himself up. Akira tugs him closer, hugging him, and Yuu hugs back, still surprised to see Akira coming here for him. “You're an idiot,” the blonde man says softly, and he accompanies the words with a kiss to Yuu's temple. “You had to know I'd come for you.”

"I'm sorry, Akira,” Yuu says quietly in response, and he lets Akira hug him tighter.

"Don't be,” Akira murmurs. “It's okay.”

- - - - -

Yuu wakes up to a kiss from Akira the morning after the visit to the cemetery. He smiles hazily, his hand reaching up and brushing through the blonde's hair, and closes his eyes as he leans in for another kiss. He hums sleepily in content, and he feels Akira's smile growing against his mouth.

"Morning, you,” Akira says softly, the words escaping in a breath, and he greets Yuu with a wider smile when he opens his eyes. Yuu's heart melts, and he smiles back, his hand slipping down to cup Akira's cheek. The blonde chuckles softly, hand resting over his, and then he curls their fingers together, turning his head enough to kiss Yuu's knuckles.

“Nice way to wake up,” Yuu comments, and Akira only hums softly, brushing his thumb over Yuu's skin. The touch is gentle, gentler than Yuu feels he deserves, and it makes him smile. “Great view, too.” He chuckles as Akira scoffs and lets go of his hand to playfully punch him, and he can’t help but smile wide. Yuu feels normal today, and he has to admit that normal feels nice.

"Shut up,” Akira says, and a short laugh accompanies the words. “I woke up to your drooling face and your snoring, so I don’t want to hear about your great view.” He’s smiling as he teases him, and Yuu can only chuckle at him, cupping his cheek, still in the process of waking up. “You seem better today,” he notes quietly after a few moments, and his hand rests over Yuu’s once again. “Haven’t seen you smile like this in months.”

"You’re ruining the mood,” Yuu counters, and Akira smiles and shifts closer. His eyes close, and Yuu’s forehead nudges lightly against his. “But yes,” he adds. “I am better.” This earns him another kiss, and his skin prickles slightly as he feels Akira’s hand resting on his neck, his fingers toying with the strands of his hair. “Let’s go somewhere,” he says, and he opens his eyes to see Akira’s raised eyebrow. “What?”

"Nothing,” the blonde man says with a soft hum. “A few weeks ago, I had to force you to leave the house. And now you want to take me on a date?” His smile widens, and he winks just to make sure Yuu knows that he’s teasing. This playfulness between them feels new, even though their relationship started out like this. Akira can almost imagine a life in which Yuu has no loss to be sad for, and he can almost imagine a life for the two of them with nothing but this kind of lazy teasing. “I missed this,” he says softly, and his thumb brushes over Yuu's skin. “I missed you.”

“Let's go out,” Yuu says again, softly. “I'll make up for the last few months, and for waking you up with drool and snoring.” He smiles, and he claims a kiss before slipping away from Akira's hold. He rises from bed on sleepily unsteady feet, earning a chuckle from the blonde man lingering in bed, and he glances over his shoulder, donning a brighter smile. “Come on,” he prompts. “I'm not showering alone.”

Akira laughs, and he gets up, too. “Fine, you impatient idiot,” he teases, and he leans in to press a kiss to Akira's cheek. “I'll see you in the bathroom, then.” He steps away, and then he walks toward the bathroom door, shedding his clothes as he walks. Yuu cocks an eyebrow, watching his bare form disappearing, and then he follows, shedding what little clothing he's wearing.

He reaches the bathroom as well, and he shuts the door behind him. Akira turns to smile at him, and it's the most natural thing in the world for Yuu's arms to wind around Akira's waist and for Akira's arms to find their way around his neck. Yuu smiles wider than he's smiled in a while, and then he leans in for one more kiss. Akira smiles against his mouth, fingers threading through his hair.

“I love you,” Akira whispers, and he nudges their foreheads together.

Yuu hums softly, hands drifting up and down Akira's back. And then with another kiss, he murmurs, “You know I love you, too.”

- - - - -

Yuu hates himself for moving on. But he's heard enough reminders that he's had plenty of time, and he's heard far too many times that he and Akira have been together long enough for him to move on. He feels like he's insulting Kouyou by dating someone so different from him, but he's almost positive that Kouyou would slap him for thinking such a thing. He knows that Akira would slap him, too, if they broke up now, and he would be more miserable if he were left alone.

Akira's fixed him somehow, and he hates how cliché that sounds. But Akira is good for him, and everyone in his life has reminded him of this more times than he can count. Having Akira sleeping beside him doesn't make him feel so guilty anymore, and thinking of Kouyou no longer feels like his vital organs are being torn from his chest.

“Doesn't hurt so much now,” he says quietly, and his fingers toy idly with a few strands of Akira's hair. Akira looks up at him, giving him a smile, and he flushes and smiles back. “What?” The blonde only smiles more and leans up for a short kiss, and Yuu raises an eyebrow at him. “Going to say 'it took you long enough' or 'you're an idiot, Yuu, I should slap you right now'?”

Akira shifts so that he can rest his chin on Yuu's chest. “No,” he says, still smiling, “but I will say that even if I do slap you, you will enjoy it far too much, and I'm not in the mood for rough sex.” Yuu's fingers drift from his hair to his cheek, and he lets his knuckles brush lightly against his skin. His smile softens, and he tilts his head just slightly, nudging into the touch. “He'd be proud of you, you know,” he says softly, and he watches Yuu's reaction to his words, hoping that he hasn't struck a too-tender nerve.

But Yuu only nods, cupping Akira's cheek. “I know.”

Akira shifts upward, his hand resting over Yuu's, and he leans down for a kiss. “I didn't say this before, because it's really not the nicest thing, and I didn't want to make you cry.” He kisses Yuu again, ignoring the raised eyebrow, and gives him a smile when he pulls away. “But if you ever leave me, and it doesn't matter how you do it or how much I love you, I will hate you forever. Understood?”

Yuu smiles, and he almost feels bad for hating himself for moving on. But Akira kisses him again, and Yuu wraps his arms around the blonde's neck, and the only thing he feels bad about is how long it took him to feel this again.

As his eyes close, he sees a flash of an image of Kouyou and his smiling face. For a few short moments, he feels that familiar pang in his heart and the sting of tears in his eyes. His fingers curl into Akira's hair, and the blonde almost pulls back, but Yuu does his best to will him to stay where he is.

Akira breaks the kiss, whispering something that Yuu misses, and when he claims another kiss, Yuu literally feels whole again.