Losing Myself

I could feel I was awake. I knew I had to be awake because I could already feel the headache try and pull me back to sleep. I had no idea where I was. The bed did not smell like mine and a loud air conditioner could be heard running in the window. I didn’t even own an air conditioner.

I unwillingly opened my eyes and saw that I was in a room at my friends’ house. Suddenly all these memories from the night before came rushing at me like a tsunami and I had to close my eyes again as the headache slowly got worse.

I couldn’t really remember what happened; only vague images were playing through my mind like one of those raspy old films. I was definitely drunk, that much I knew. There was that God-awful morning-after taste in my mouth from all the alcohol. I could remember trying to get drunk and gulping down whatever was on the counter, but anything after that was pretty much gone.

I could remember at one point I was dancing with this guy; grinding up against him as he sloppily put his hands all over my body. He was probably just as drunk as I was. I could also remember something about this room. Maybe someone brought me here because I was too drunk to come here myself?

At that point I felt a hand wrap around my waist from behind, and more memories came flooding into my mind. I turned around to look at whoever had their arm around me, not bothering to be discreet, and saw a bare-chested guy sleeping soundly. His breath smelled of stale alcohol mixed with morning breath and I pulled the blankets up to my nose as to not breathe in the awful smell.

It was the guy who I was grinding against the night before. As I put two and two together, I could suddenly feel myself naked under the covers; the memories of the room haunted me as I tried to remember if I had taken my pill the day before. I did, and only some of the nausea went away.

I started to look around for a clock, something I could tell the time with. Nothing. Not even a bedside alarm clock. I knew I always kept my phone in the back pocket of my pants, so I started rummaging around the floor looking for my clothes. I heard the guy in bed start to stir, but nothing was said. I figured he was still asleep.

Finally, I found my pants and felt in the back pocket. Luckily my phone was still there and I took it out to look at the time. The illuminated screen read ’11:38.’ I silently cursed to myself and started dressing. My mom had to be into work by noon and knowing her, she would still be asleep. As I pulled the shirt over my head, I caught sight of a mirror on top of a dresser. I looked like shit, and that’s putting it nicely.

My make-up from the night before had smudged all over my eyes, and with the dark circles from being hung over, it made me look like a zombie. My unnatural auburn hair was a rat’s nest and sticking up in all different places. My clothes were wrinkly from lying on the floor the whole night. I was a hot mess.

I went up to the mirror and attempted to wipe my make-up off with my hands, and then put my hair in a pony-tail, making a mental note to buy more hair dye since my dark brown roots were starting to show.

With my make-up still smudged and my hair still a rat’s nest, I started walking towards the door. With my hand on the door handle, I turned around and took one last look in the mirror. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. That girl that slept with guys and drank alcohol as if they were going out of style, I didn’t know her. That wasn’t really me. I had lost myself so long ago and I had no idea how to bring her back. In an attempt to gain some self-confidence, I blamed my mother and her ways for turning me into the immoral child I was, but there was some part of me that knew that wasn’t the answer. I turned myself into the monster I was. I allowed myself to let alcohol get the best of me. I could’ve handled this whole thing differently, but no. I had to find the easiest way to cope, and that was to numb myself with endless sex and drinking.

Disgusted with myself, and turned away from the mirror and walked out the door.

Downstairs, there was someone passed out on the couch laying down on one of the couch pillows. Sarah. We weren’t exactly friends, more like acquaintances. We knew each other and spoke highly of the other, but if we were stuck in a room alone together, there would be nothing to talk about. We only knew each other because she was always at the parties.

The house reeked of weed and alcohol. Trying to get out of there as fast as I could, I spotted my bag in the corner of the room along with my shoes, grabbed them, and ran out the door.

The familiar alarm beeped as I ran out of the house, signaling that the front door was being opened. Knowing no one would hear it, I shut the door behind me and ran for my car.

Not bothering to put my shoes on, I started my journey towards home, which was only a few towns over. I checked the time on the car stereo and saw that it read ’11:50.’ I cursed to myself and sped up.

***

“Mom.” No answer. “Mom, wake up.” Still no answer. I sighed heavily and started to shake my mother who was passed out on the couch.

“Mom,” I said a little louder that time. She groaned a little and pulled the little blanket she had over her face.

“Mom, you need to get up for work. Come on, you’re already late.”

When I still didn’t get an answer, I pulled the blanket off of her and threw it across the room. I was starting to get aggravated and wasn’t in the mood for her to ignore me.

That got her attention and she groaned and looked up at me. “What the hell? Why do you always have to be a little bitch?” She groaned again and then closed her eyes.

“Well I’m sorry for trying to help you keep your job,” I said, not bothering to hold back the acrid sound of my voice.

When no sound came from her mouth like it normally would, I looked down at her over the couch to see her eyes closed and her breathing start to even out. There were dark circles under her eyes from drinking the night before, just like mine. Her hair was a frizzy mess and looked like it hadn’t been brushed in days. It was the same color as my natural hair; dark brown. I always used to be proud of my dark hair, but when people started saying that I looked just like her with the hair, I dyed it. The last thing I wanted was to look exactly like my enemy. The one thing I couldn’t change was my eyes. We both had light blue eyes. I once contemplated getting colored contacts, but they were too expensive considering I didn’t actually need glasses. Her face wasn’t that bad looking on a normal day, just some wrinkles around her mouth from all the smoking she did. I then brought my face close to hers, so close I could smell the stale alcohol on her breath, and screamed, ”Get up!”

She jumped a little and then looked at me with wide eyes. I backed away from her and went around to the front of the couch to help pull her up. I already knew I was going to have to. I grabbed both of her arms and pulled her into a sitting position.

“What the hell was that for?!” she screamed at me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. There was honestly no point in arguing with her when she was already late for work. It would have just caused more problems for another time.

“Because, you need to get up and get ready for your job, and obviously, that’s the only thing that can work.”

“Well what if I don’t want to go to work?” she barked right back at me. I had to look away from her in order to keep myself from screaming in her face.

“If I have to work then you do, too. Now get your lazy ass up and ready, you’re already late.” I quickly grabbed the left over bottle of vodka that was left on the coffee table and walked into the kitchen, getting ready to pour the rest of it down the drain.

I could hear her moving around in the living room. “God, why did I ever decide to keep you? You only add on to my stress and waste my money. You don’t deserve to have a mother like me!” I could hear her feet shuffling towards the stairs.

I quickly turned around and glared daggers at her through the little doorway that was in between the kitchen and living room. “You would be nowhere without my help! I’m the one who keeps you going to work! I’m the one who gets you up every fucking morning in order to keep those jobs! Without me, you’d probably be out on the fucking street somewhere! So don’t tell me that you would be better off without me!”

She glared right back at me from the bottom of the staircase. “I don’t need you to do anything, you little bitch! In fact, if you left right now it would make my life a whole lot easier!”

I could feel my face heating up and the blood start to boil in my veins. My grip on the bottle of vodka tightened so hard that I could feel my hand start to go numb. “I’d just like to see you try to live one day without me! Who’s gonna make you dinner, huh? Who’s gonna help you pay the bills? Your salary sure as hell won’t keep you in this house!”

She pointed a finger at me as her face became red. “I will! Trust me, I’ll do just fine! I want you out of this house by the time I get home! I want your stuff all gone! And anything that’s still here of yours, I’m throwing out!”

“Fine!”

“Fine!” And with that, she stomped up the stairs and left me raging in the kitchen all alone.

I could barely comprehend what just happened. My own mother had kicked me out of the house for trying to get her ready for work. I just didn’t seem to make any sense to me.

My head started spinning and I could feel myself start to faint. I grabbed a hold of the counter behind me as the grip on the bottle of vodka didn’t lessen. I turned around and hung over the counter, with my face almost in the sink. I felt like I was going to vomit. This is the last thing I would have expected to happen. I mean, I knew we never had the best relationship, but I still would have never thought she would do something like this.

I hoisted myself up a little with my face no longer in the sink. All of my weight had gone onto my arms that were now on the counter since I could barely keep myself standing. I took one good look at the bottle of vodka in my hands before downing the rest of the thing in a few big gulps. I closed my eyes and started coughing at the pain in my throat. Once I was done, I wiped my mouth, threw the empty bottle into the sink, and fell down on my knees. I rested my forehead on the cabinet below the sink and felt my eyes start to burn.

I sat there, crying.

***

I pulled to an abrupt stop in front of my friend’s house. Putting the car in park, I looked out my window and across the street at the obnoxiously loud house. I just sat there, staring at it, knowing my fate as soon as I walked through the door. I would go in, get drunk, and possibly remember what happened; or maybe not.

I was aware of the boxes in the back seat, some in the trunk, that were screaming at me, telling me not to do it and to start a new life for myself; a better one. But I couldn’t do it, not alone at least. Even if I was to become an alcoholic and have no life, at least I wouldn’t be alone. I couldn’t do it on my own. I constantly needed someone there by my side, even if it meant getting messed up to the point of no return. I couldn’t be alone.

Before I would think myself to death, I quickly turned off the car and hopped out, locking it behind me. I walked around to the back of the house since I knew that’s where most of the people would be, and not even half way to the backyard I could smell weed; the scent slithering into my nostrils and instantly calming myself. I closed my eyes and inhaled, enjoying the familiar smell as I started to slowly let myself go.

I walked passed a few people on the back porch, saying a hearty hello to those I knew, and entered the house. The back door opened to the kitchen, which held all kinds of alcohol anyone could dream of. That was my heaven. I quickly grabbed a bottle of Smirnoff from a package on the floor, took the cap off with my hands, and took a big gulp. I could already fell myself start to relax as the poison slipped down my throat.

“Hey Jill!” I opened my eyes to see who called my name. Sarah, the girl who I saw sleeping on the couch just that morning, was standing in front of the fridge looking at me with a huge smile on her face. Even if we weren’t close friends, she was still really nice to me.

“Hey, Sarah. Couldn’t stay away?” I smiled and motioned towards the bottle of Bahama Mama she took from the fridge.

She laughed. “I actually stayed here all day. I would have gone home, but it turns out my parents were there and I really didn’t feel like confronting them, so Andy let me stay here.”
She placed the bottle on the kitchen table, grabbed a random cup, and poured herself some of the stuff.

I walked over to her and leaned up against the kitchen table, watching her as she put the bottle back in the fridge before walking over to me. As she came closer, I could smell weed on her.

“I know what you’re talking about. My mom just kicked me out of the house today; told me I’m basically a nuisance to her.” I rolled my eyes and took another swig of Smirnoff.

She stopped drinking from the cup and looked at me with sympathetic eyes. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry! That’s horrible!”

I looked at the floor and suddenly felt bad for telling her something personal when I didn’t even know her that well. She probably didn’t want to hear about my sad life. Even if she was thinking it, she didn’t look it.

“Yeah…” I drank some more.

“Do you have somewhere to stay? Do you even have a job?” She still had her undivided attention on me.

I shrugged. “Don’t know. I was going to ask Andy if I could stay here for a little while, at least until I can get on my feet and find a place of my own. Like, I do have a job and everything, but it doesn’t pay that well for me to buy an apartment. I’ll have to save up for that.” I tore my eyes away from the floor to look at her face. I kept my eyes on the bridge of her nose so it would look like I was looking at her without getting the awkward feeling of looking in her eyes.

“Oh my God, you poor thing. I would totally invite you to stay with me but my house isn’t exactly the most stable environment.” She laughed and started drinking out of her cup again.
I wondered if she just said that to seem nice because she knew I definitely wasn’t going to stay at her house, or if she was being genuinely nice. I smiled.

“Thanks anyway.”

She smiled a bright, toothy smile back at me. I threw my empty bottle in a box in the corner of the kitchen. Just as I was walking over to the fridge to poor myself some of the Bahama Mama, I heard her snap her fingers behind me.

“Hey, why don’t you hang out with me tonight? We can just get totally fucked up together! Trust me; I think you need to get seriously wasted tonight.” I turned and walked over to her with the bottle in my hands as she finished downing her drink. She put the cup down on the table and looked at me with wide, blue eyes.

I wanted to automatically jump all over her in agreement and pull out every vodka bottle I could find so we could get started, but that little voice in the back of my mind was telling me not to do it, that I shouldn’t screw my life up anymore than I already had, and I knew it was right. I mean, I had just gotten kicked out my house that morning. I needed to get my head on straight and start working on a stable future.

I looked down at the bottle in my hands and felt my mouth watering for some. I shoved the voice aside and smiled up at Sarah.

I was going to get fucked up that night. However it affected my future, I really didn’t care at that point. All I wanted to do was forget the day and become numb to everything around me. At that point, I wanted to hard sex with some random person I wasn’t going to remember in the morning. I wanted to feel that familiar dizziness in my head from too much alcohol. I even wanted to go as far as to get high and drunk at the same time. At that point, I didn’t care what the hell happened.

“Let’s do it.”