Screaming on the Inside

I went into work, happy as a clam. Nick seemed to know exactly how to make everything better. I went behind the counter to put on my apron when my boss stopped to talk to me.
"Marley!" She said in her naturally deep and manly voice.
"Yes?" I automatically looked at the clock to make sure I wasn't late. She must have noticed.
"No, you aren't late. I want to talk to you about that boy." How did she know?
"What boy?" I tried to play it off innocent.
"Don't even. Unless that was a girl you were playing tonsil hockey with, I suggest you just answer my questions."
"Okay." I said, defeated.
"Who was it?"
"His name is Nick."
"Where did you met Nick?"
"That booth over there." I pointed in the direction of the booth he sat at the day.
"And are you dating this guy?" Sometimes she made me angry.
"No. He's married."
"Well are you going to fix that?" Sometimes she made me wonder.
"What are you talking about?"
"Well you were making out with a married man.. Was just wondering if you were going to fix that little marriage problem." But most of the time she made me angry.
"No! He's divorcing her on his own.. More like she's divorcing him.. But you know what I mean."
"So are you just sticking around like this until he's single again?" Sometimes she was wrong.
"No. I'm going to stay around as long as I can."
"Because you're in love with him, aren't you?" And sometimes... She was right.
"N.. No." I stuttered. I never thought I was in love with him, but how else could I explain what I was feeling?
"Of course not.." She said, knowing what kind of emotions she just stirred up in me. "Get to work." She said, leaving me with my thoughts. Damn that woman.
I did get back to work, but I kept Nick in the back of my mind, involuntarily. I went through the whole day like this, always a little uneasy and nervous. I wasn't nervous because my boss caught me making out with Nick, no no. I wished that was my problem. I was nervous to see him again. Like in high school, if you've ever just started dating someone and you're nervous the whole day, maybe even for a few days. You have a mini heart attack when you think you see that person in the hall or at random, and when you do actually see this person, your heart drops to your stomach and you get a nervous, sickening feeling for a minute, then it just suddenly goes away. I hadn't gotten mine to go away yet.
By the time 10pm rolled around, Carly was already waiting outside for me in her car. "Hey there." She said, knowing I was mad when I got into the front seat.
"Hi." I replied, not to enthusiastically at that.
"I know, you're mad.. I'm sorry. Me and Jacky just wanted to have some fun, and I guess he had to leave earlier this morning. Please don't be mad." She always had a hard time with apologies, she usually never had to give them.
"It's alright." I couldn't help but forgive her, plus, I knew that I'd feel better once I got home and saw Nick's car in the driveway. Boy was I disappointed.
"Where's Nick?" I asked, but something didn't feel right. He wasn't there for a reason and I knew it. He promised me he'd be there.
"He was supposed to be here?" Carly asked. Apparently she didn't know, and he must not have come back to my house after he dropped me off.
"Yeah. He promised he'd be here when I came home." I got a sick feeling in my stomach, but not like the butterflies I'd had all day. This was much different. This wasn't good. I had a terrible feeling about it and I wanted to know why.
I dug my phone out of my back pocket, that had been on silent all day, and I saw I had 22 missed calls. I scrolled through my contacts and most of them were from numbers I didn't know or have saved in my phone, but one was from Nick. Something was wrong.
I called Nick back, but I only got the voicemail. My heart started to race and I was panicking. Apparently you could tell, because Carly had to ask, "What's wrong Marley?"
"Something is wrong. Nick won't answer his phone and I have 22 missed calls. Can you take me to his house?" I asked. I remembered that he told me where he lived in a past conversation. I couldn't give her the address, but I did tell her where to go.
Along the way, I called back one of the numbers that called me multiple times. "Hello?" Finally, an answer.
"Hi! Oh my gosh.. Who is this?" I asked, seeing if I'd recognize a name from my conversations with Nick.
"This is Lloyd, is this Marley?" He asked. He sounded a little relieved.
"Yeah. I just got off of work. What's going on?" I was panicked. I knew something was wrong..
"Where are you right now?" He completely disregarded my question.
"I'm with Carly, we were on our way to Nick's." I explained in a rush.
"No. Go to the hospital." He said sternly.
Hospital. The word rang through my head a thousand times. "Hospital? Lloyd, what happened? Is he okay?" I started talking slowly, my words kept getting caught in my throat. I felt like I was going to cry, but I couldn't yet. Not until I was in the waiting room. I didn't have time to be crying, I had to figure out what was going on.
"We don't know yet. We'll tell you everything we know when you get here." He reassured.
"Alright. I'll be there soon." I hung up with Lloyd and made her rush to the hospital, thankful that we didn't get pulled over by a cop.
When we got there, I jumped out of the car and went to find Nick's friends. I talked to a nurse and she lead me to where I needed to go, to the waiting room. I was glad the 3 guys weren't hard to find.
I walked up to the blond one and asked, "Are you guys Nick's friends?" I didn't want to just assume.
"Yeah we are. You're Marley?" He asked.
"Yeah, that's me." I sat down next to him and they started in on their intros.
"Well, I'm Johnny. That's Lloyd, the one you talked to on the phone, and that's Dan." He pointed to each person as he spoke.
"Hi." I smiled at them, but that smile quickly faded when the worry of what Nick was going through kicked back in.
"Okay, so what we know now, is that Nick probably got really depressed, and ended up with one too many cuts. Apparently he cut his hips so no one would really notice, I mean, it's pretty genius if you think about it. The only people who will ever see the cuts are the people who see you naked, which aren't that many, because he could cover it with either his pants or his shirt." Lloyd explained. "But that's not what landed him here. Before he cut the shit out of himself, he'd taken pills, and way too many of them at that. So the pills only made everything worse and he got 10x more depressed and upset then what he started with. So all in all, the pills that the doctor prescribed him, only made things worse, but it only made things worse because he took too many. So it's a huge mess."
"You haven't even seen a mess." Johnny said, knowingly. "When I found him, he was laying on his bathroom floor, no wonder he passed out. There was an insane amount of blood all over him and on the floor and in the sink and shit like that. I mean, I thought someone came in there and tried to kill him. I never thought he'd do this to himself." Johnny seemed disappointed that his friend did this, but quiet little Dan decided to step in and try to change that feeling.
"Well, if you think about it, it's not all Nick's fault. His doctor prescribed him a weird kind of pill that he'd never taken before, and told him to take it as needed. Did Nick even know he took too much before it was too late? I don't know. But if he didn't know, then it wasn't really his fault for the cutting. That's how Nick deals with pain, he hurts himself to make the emotions go away. The pills just made him go further then he may have intended, they brought out that deep depression that he had bottled up inside, and made it all worse. And the worst part about it is, he doesn't take pills when he's around people, so no one was there to save him." I couldn't believe how understanding Dan was about all of this. I knew that wasn't something Johnny or Lloyd even thought about. Hell, I didn't even think about that.
"Wow. I never really thought that way.." Johnny's mind was obviously changed, which made me feel a little better. It would only make matters worse if Nick knew that Johnny was disappointed in him.
We all stayed in the waiting room for a few hours, Carly had went home because I told her she wasn't getting out of work the next day. The nurse finally came out and we all stopped whatever we were saying to listen to her. "You guys are all here for Nick Matthews?" She asked.
"Yeah we are." Lloyd answered.
"Okay, well you can all come this way please." She started walking in the direction of Nick's room. I was afraid of what I would find, I didn't want to see him covered in blood or hooked up to a million machines. "Now," She started before opening his door. "You all have to be very quiet, try not to startle him. Id he gets startled or speaks to loud or anything of the nature, his cuts could open back up, and he can't afford to loose more blood. We found a few really deep wounds in his left side, so be very careful." She warned. Her warning worried me.
The door opened and we all walked in and took our places around his bed. Chairs were brought up and we all sat quietly as she took his vitals one more time. His eyes weren't open yet, but I didn't blame him. With all the supposed blood loss, I didn't even expect him to be awake.
My heart broke at the sight of him. Blood was caked in his hair and his make up had run down his face. There were blood stains all over the place from bleeding through the bandages, and laying there like that made him look so fragile and helpless.
When the nurse finally left, Johnny spoke up. "If only she were younger.." I could only imagine what he meant. Yuck.
"You're gross." I said in a whisper. Lloyd and Dan were struggling to hold back laughter.
"No, I'm a man who likes hot nurses." He defended himself. He got up and started messing with things he shouldn't be touching.
He picked up a stethoscope and started listening to fucking everything. First Lloyd's heart, then Dan's head, then the door, he was surprisingly funny, and he sure lightened the mood. But while Johnny was trying to make this all easier, I turned to Nick, who was still passed out.
I ran my fingers through his hair, a lot of it was still covered in blood. I touched his face, wiping away some of the make up that ran down it. I wasn't sure when people were going to start paying attention again, so I thought it would be best to just hold his hand, rather then continuing to touch his face.
"Do you love him Marley?" Dan asked, when the other two were having a different conversation.
I was really taken aback by this question. Was I really in love with him? And if so, was it really so obvious?
"What do you mean?" I asked, mostly just wanting him to forget about it. But no, not with my luck.
"You heard me. It is what it is. Do you love Nick?" He asked seriously.
"O..Of course I do." I said, suggesting I meant in a friend love kind of way.
"That's not what i mean Marley. You know that. Are you in love with him?" He had a weird way of telling what people were thinking. It's like he just knew, and he was way too good it.
"I don't know." I honestly answered. "I have no idea what I'm feeling. I mean, he's still married." Dan and I were sitting very close together so we could talk without the others really noticing.
"So that's why you can't admit it." He said, as if he totally understood everything.
"What are you talking about?" I think this time, he knew I didn't know what he meant.
"You don't want o love him because it would make you feel like you did something wrong. Falling in love with a married man is usual a terrible thing, and you feel like a little bit of a whore because of it, but that's good, because it means you're a good person with a good conscience. But you don't want to admit you're in love with him, because you'll feel like you're ruining something, or that being in love with a married man is wrong. I get it. And by the look on your face, I might know it a bit better then you do."
I was shocked at what he was saying. I realized that it was true, and my head felt clear, like I knew what was going on and why I was feeling this way. I did love him, but I was guilty because he was married. "How'd you.." I started.
"Ha! Don't ask. It takes practice" He said, smiling.
I placed Nick's hand between both of mine, rather then just the one, and leaned up to kiss his cheek. Johnny must have noticed, because he stopped talking and the whole room got silent, not staring at me or in an awkward way or anything, but I think knew all knew that this was serious.
About 10 minutes went by since Dan and I had talked, and Nick finally started waking up. I wondered what he would think about all of this.