Screaming on the Inside

After I hung up with Nick, I slid a hoodie he'd left with me over my head, grabbed my phone, and left my room. Carly had just walked out of her room as I walked out of mine.
"Hey." She said, as if everything was fine.
"Hey." I answered, moving past her to fix up my make up.
"Where are you going?" She asked, sounding almost.. Mad?
"Out. To see Nick, since apparently he can't come over." I hinted, letting her know I was mad at her. I don't think she got it.
"Why not?" She asked, as if she had no idea.
"Oh I don't know Carly, why don't you tell me?" I accused, looking away from the mirror for a brief second to glare at her.
"Oh he told on me, huh?" She said, sounding disgusted.
"You can't tell me I can't have people over Carly. I understand that sometimes we don't want people here, but Jacky's here. Why can't Nick? That's not right. Nick probably feels unwelcome here now. I asked him to come over and he told me no. So now I'm going to meet him in the park because of whatever reason you have." I ranted. I didn't mean to spill all of this on her, but I was just mad. It was unfair.
"It's my turn to stay in Marley. Quit being selfish." She said, then walked away. Yeah. She just fucking walked away when I was trying to talk to her about how I felt. This is how it always went. If I had a problem with her for any reason, then she'd pretty much tell me I was wrong and walk away. I loved Carly like she was my sister, but sometimes I really wanted to punch her.
I decided not to drag it out and just head for the front door when Jacky stopped in front of me. "Where you headed off to so late at night?" He asked in his "big brother" voice.
"I'm going out to meet Nick." I snapped.
"Woah woah, what's with the pissy attitude?" He threw his hands up in defense, looking at me like I was crazy. I wasn't usually mad, but something about the whole situation just pissed me off.
"Go ask your girlfriend." I said, venom dripping from each word. I shoved past him and went outside.
I was glad to be out of there. The tension was already getting annoying and I wasn't about to deal with it. That could have also been my main problem, not being able to deal with anger. I never had a problem with anger and held that back well, so I never had to really deal with being mad. When I did have to deal with it, I wasn't great at handling it.
I was sad to find that I forgot to grab my iPod for the mile walk ahead of me, but I thought the sound of the fresh fallen autumn leaves blowing in the wind was calming, so I was okay with it. As I walked, I didn't feel paranoid like I normally would, I was just calming down and feeling a bit relaxed.
I did like walking though, especially at night. It was when I cold clear my head and think things through. I seemed to be so worked up about Carly, but why? It wasn't because she wouldn't let Nick come over, I knew that. But I started thinking about what happened with all the rest of the crushes I had that she wouldn't let me keep. I got annoyed. Then I started thinking about what I would do if Nick ended up breaking up with me because of her. That's when I got furious, and figured out that I was just pissed off because I had the feeling that she'd take him away from me. I knew that I hadn't been dating him for very long, but it didn't matter. I cared about Nick with all of my heart, and there was no way I was letting her take that happiness from me.
When I got to the park I took out my phone and text Nick. "Hey :) I'm at the park."
"Perfect :) I'll be there soon. xo" He quickly replied.
I put my phone back in my pocket and sat on the swing, wondering why he would bring me here. I could tell when he was up to something, and he was. He wouldn't have talked like he had an idea if he didn't have one. I wasn't sure what it was, but I didn't care much. I was just happy I'd get to see him.
My mind wondered off to my dad. What if he died soon? Who was I kidding, I knew he was going to die soon. So did he, and everyone else. We knew it was coming, but I was going to take it the hardest, I knew that. But how could I not? He's my dad.
The mood of my thoughts made me sad. Just as I felt the need to curl up in bed, I heard something that sounded like it does when you set down a guitar. He was too obvious. I know, it's probably weird that i knew it was him, but who else carries around a guitar? And somehow, I just knew it was him. There was no doubt in my mind.
My heart fluttered around in my chest and my mind suddenly cleared of all the stress I was going through. I couldn't wait to see his face.
I felt Nick's arms snake around my waist and hold me tight. I closed my eyes and rested my head against his chest.
"You're pretty." He said.
A smile crept on my face. I opened my eyes to meet his, and I couldn't help but give a full, teeth showing, eyes glowing, smile. "I missed your face." I said, stroking his pale skin.
Nick laughed, then turned my head sideways so he could kiss me.
"I always seem to mind myself missing you." He said in a hushed tone. Damn he was amazing. I couldn't ask for much better.
I decided to answer him with another kiss, but I ended up getting out of my swing and tackling him to the ground. We both laughed at each other and he just looked at me admiringly for a second, before saying; "Will you sing with me?"
I couldn't figure out why he wanted me to sing so much. I wasn't a bad singer, but I could have been so much better. I was nervous to sing with him because he was a professional and I was convinced he'd be judging my singing or he'll pick out little things that any other person wouldn't notice.
"I'll do anything for you." I said, getting up and grabbing his guitar and handing it too him.
He started playing a few notes, and I wondered what he had in mind. Did he expect me just to go along with what he was doing? What if I didn't know the song?
The melody became familiar to me and I was happy I knew what it was. When I figured out that it was "A Million Kisses" my heart seemed to turn to goo. So this was his plan.
He flawlessly sang the first part by himself, like in the original, and I was a bit nervous to sing when it came to it. I started singing when I was supposed to and it came out a bit better then I expected it to.
We sang the song together, as if we were the ones to write it about each other. I found it incredibly romantic, even though we hadn't exchanged "I love you's" yet. I didn't think we had to, really, to know it. The way he looked at me, and the way I was sure I was looking at him, just felt right. It made me feel certain we'd stay together, even if it was too soon to tell.
We'd been sitting side by side, and when I finished the song with the last line "...and lay a million kisses on you", I slowed down and sang it much softer and slower then it was originally written to match his guitar playing. As we did so, Nick leaned in closer and closer until I'd just finished singing, and sweetly kissed my lips. My hand found it's way to his face, but we didn't move from where we were. We just stayed there, innocently kissing, unlike most of the other times we'd kissed.
His kisses were usually fun and maybe even a little crazy, but this was much different then before. It felt like we weren't doing it because we just felt like it or because we simply could, it felt like we were making a silent promise to, for a lack of better words, love each other as long as we would live. I know, it's a little dramatic, and maybe I was really just lost in the moment to think anything less, but that's what it felt like to me. I didn't know if he found this any different then anything else we did, but I sure did.
We hung out in the park for another hour, until we both knew it was time to leave. It was getting late and I think he was getting tired. He sure looked drained.
"We should go." He said, taking my hand, and grabbing his guitar. I knew he had a long walk ahead of him, and I felt kind of bad.
"Okay." I easily followed his slow pace as we started walking down the sidewalk. "You're tired." I stated more then asked.
"I'm alright." He said, not really looking at me. I knew it wasn't a complete lie, he could make it back to Lloyd's place, but I knew he was tired as hell.
"When we get back to my house you should really let me drive you home. You can't walk that far."
"I can." He retorted, probably just not wanting to "bother" me with driving him all the way back.
"I know you can." I laughed. "But I'd feel much better if you let me." I knew he'd accept that. How could he say no? It was really for his own good.
"Alright." He said, after hesitating a bit.
I squeezed his hand and smiled up at him, hoping he'd return it. He did. "Okay."
Nick released my hand and threw his arm around me, pulling me towards him. I took hold of one of his belt loops and we silently walked back to my house. I liked that we didn't have to talk to be together. We didn't have to say anything to keep interest in each other.
When we got to my house we automatically went to my car and headed to Lloyd's, keeping the music low and fingers laced together.
When we got to Lloyd's, Nick didn't seem completely happy with leaving. "Come inside." He said rather then asked.
"I shouldn't. I don't want to bother them. What if they're sleeping?" I asked.
"They aren't. Believe me. They have at least another hour yet. Plus, I think they'd yell at me if I let you leave without letting them see you." He smiled. I liked that his friends liked me. I didn't want them to hate having me around, that would be no fun.
"Alright." I mocked how he'd said it earlier and we both got out of the car. Nick opened the door, revealing Johnny, Lloyd, and Dan all watching a movie in the living room.
"Hey! You brought Marley back!" Johnny said, probably in a more excited tone then necessary.
"Hi Johnny." I smiled as he and Lloyd sandwiched me in a hug. "Hey there Lloyd." I laughed. "Dan!" I called, holding out a free arm. "Get in on this!"
Dan ran over and hugged everyone. We all split up and laughed about it. "Com watch this movie with us." Dan offered.
"I can't stay long. I have to get home soon. Carly will probably lock the door at 2, and I lost my house key." I shrugged, wishing I could stay. I knew I'd have to go to an angry best friend.
"Aw, alright then." Dan frowned.
"Next time, okay?" I said.
"Alright." He smiled.
"Well guys, it's already 1:30 so I have to go." I said sadly. "I'm just glad I got to give you all hugs." I smiled. I lightly took Nick's hand and gave him a look, asking to go outside with me. I knew if the guys saw us doing anything romantic at all they'd give him shit.
Nick walked with me out to my car, but carefully pinned me against my door. I laughed, knowing what was about to happen. I hated it when he got playful when I had to leave! Why couldn't he be playful like this when I had time to play back?
He gave me a smile, letting me know he was about to attack my mouth. He did. Or tried, I should say. I made some sort of giggle-scream noise and turned my head, laughing. He grabbed my wrists and held them against the car and planted kisses anywhere he possibly could all over my face.
To make it stop, I pushed his hand so they were up against his chest and pressed my body against his, trying to hug him. I hid my face in his neck, still laughing, because I knew he wouldn't be able to reach my face.
"Aw! That's cheating!!" He loudly accused, which didn't help my laughter. He let go of my wrists and hugged me tightly, letting me hug him back. We rocked side to side for a bit and I closed my eyes, sad that I had to go.
"I'll see you soon." I stated, before moving back to look at him.
"Okay." He didn't let go of me, but loosened his grip and kissed me something like he did in the park, except this was more of a goodbye kind of thing. We both knew we'd probably see each other the next day, but that never made leaving any easier, not that I got incredibly sad or depressed when we weren't around each other. I wasn't obsessed or clingy, but I did hate goodbyes just as much as he did. It was always the hardest part of leaving anyone.
He opened my door for me and I slid in the driver's seat. He closed my door and stood in the driveway until I was out of sight.
By the time I got home, all the lights were off except the TV in the living room. I was hoping they were asleep.
I walked inside and didn't say anything to them, locking the door behind me. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water then headed to bed before Carly's voice stopped me. "Done being a whipped, needy, bitch yet?" Where did that come from?
"What?" I asked in disbelief. Did she really just say that? Harsh..
"You heard me." She didn't even have the courtesy to look at me.
"Why would you say that?" I asked, still not believing she would say that.
"That's all you are. You seriously got up and left at midnight to go see a guy that you haven't been dating for a week at midnight. You realize you're just a rebound right?" Why was she saying this to me?
"I'm not a rebound." I growled through my teeth.
"Oh yeah? Hm. Did he get that divorce yet?" She seemed completely snotty and preppy sounding. It honestly reminded me of the bitchy cheerleaders back in high school.
"Yeah. He did. He already did what he needed to do. He's waiting on a judge, thanks. Plus, that isn't your business. In the least."I thought she liked Nick. She wanted us to get together. Now that we were, she was mad at me for it?
"Hm. Not even actually divorced yet and already dating you. Sounds like a rebound to me. Either that or he just wants in your pants." I couldn't even wrap my brain around what was going on. She'd never been this harsh to me before. What did she even have to be mad about?
"Could you just tell me what your problem with me is so I can hurry up and go to bed?" I asked, not feeling like arguing.
"I just think you're being desperate and it's sick. You could really break a guy's heart that way." Oh, now she was defending Nick? I honestly did not understand her "logic."
"So now you're suddenly defending him? He doesn't need defending. And I am not going to break his heart! If anything I'm going to do the best I can to keep him happy." My voice started getting a bit shrill, my anger was creeping it's way though my calm attitude.
"You aren't good enough for him Marley. Sometimes you have to face facts. This is one of those times." What was she saying? How was i not good enough for him? I wasn't being conceited, but I thought I was good enough for him. I treated him the way he should be, I did what I could to make him happy, and I did about anything he asked. I may not have been the best for him, but I was good enough. I was. There was no way I was going to let her make me believe that.
"You're wrong." I stated, in a calmer voice. "He's happy right now. That's all I care about. If he wants to leave me in the future, then so be it, as long as that's what makes him happy."
"Don't pretend to be a saint Marley. We all know you still have a thing for Jacky." Jacky was just sitting there next to her, not saying a word. He didn't at all look phased by what was going on. That told me that she told him I used to like him. She probably told him I still did.
"What? What in the hell makes you think I still like Jacky like that?" Fury rose within me and I wanted nothing more then to punch her square in the face.
"It's obvious. You constantly flirt with him." Liar.
"Oh do I? Because I'm pretty sure calling a guy your brother wouldn't make that guy want to date you. I don't know about you but I don't think calling a guy your brother is the best way to flirt. But what do I know? You're the expert here." Sarcasm dripped from every word and I was not in the mood for mercy. I was going to spit out anything I could. You don't talk about people I care about like that. You just don't.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Hm. There's the anger.
"What? You don't mean to tell me you forgot about that bus boy that used to work at the cafe." I threatened. MY threat wasn't blank either, I had every intention on telling Jacky what happened.
Jack turned quickly to look at Carly for an answer. I knew she'd try to get out of it.
"Uh, Marley, that was you. You were the one trying to get with him. Don't even try to pretend that was me fawning over him." Bitch. Yeah right, anything to save your own ass.
"Me, huh? So it was also me that said he was hotter then Jacky? And I said I'd dump my boyfriend if he looked my way? And it was also me that shared the dirty dream about him?" Maybe that was going too far. I felt kind of bad when I saw the hurt look on Jacky's face. He wasn't one to get into fights, but I was certain he was about to do something.
"Quit lying Marley. You're just jealous because you wish you had Jacky." Was that her best come back? I thought it was just pathetic that she couldn't admit it, when obviously it happened. I was a terrible liar. They always knew when I was lying, and I wasn't.
"Me quit lying? I haven't lied yet. But you did lie when I found out that the only reason you told Jacky you liked him was because I said I had a crush on him. You lied when you told him you didn't want him moving in because it would be too crowded in here. You lied when you really wanted to date that bus boy. And you're lying right now. You don't have the guts to tell someone who you say you love, that you don't love him anymore, or never did. You always told me that you loved him, but you know it was a lie. You know you don't love Jacky. You just won't admit it to him. Will you?" I knew that would do it. I really didn't want to say all of those things, but they slipped out. I was also trying to protect Jacky from getting lied to even more. I felt terrible for him. I loved him like family, I couldn't watch him get lied to anymore.
"You're sick. How could you say that? Why are you trying to hurt him?" She accused, but I didn't get a chance to answer before Jacky cut in.
"She's right, isn't she Carly?" He asked, sounding hurt. "You don't love me, do you? You wanted to be with that other guy, didn't you?"
"She's crazy Jacky! How could you believe her?" She looked shocked for some reason. Probably because he believed me.