Screaming on the Inside

"I don't know what to believe anymore." Jacky said to Carly while shaking is head. "How do you expect me to not take what she says into consideration?" He asked.
"Because I"m your girlfriend! You should trust me over her!" Carly was not pleased.
"Whatever. I'll see you two tomorrow. I can't do this right now. I'm going home." He said. I hated the hurt sound in his voice, but I had to tell him the truth about Carly. She was already screwing me over, I figured I might as well save Jacky while Carly already hates me. At least I could do him a favor, but I almost regretted it. "Bye Marley." He said, giving me a quick hug before leaving. That didn't make Carly very happy, but I was glad Jacky got out of that situation, for now.
"Look at what you did!" She screamed. "Why would you tell him that?! Are you trying to ruin our relationship?!"
"Are you trying to ruin mine and Nick's?" This time, I was the calm one. We both stood in silence for a moment, until I talked again. "Why do you always do this to me? Every time I like a guy, you either drive him away or take him as yours. It's not fair! I thought we were best friends! Why can't you just let me be happy with Nick? Can't I have just this one guy?!" I said, my voice sound exasperated.
"How can I explain myself Marley? There's no way I'm going to get Jacky to believe me now because you had to open your big mouth! Plus, you should be the single one! Not me. I always get the guys, you stay single." She yelled, completely disregarding what I said.
"Do you even want to be friends anymore? What is the deal! All you care about is making sure i stay single, and you stay with Jacky! Why are you even with him? You know you don't love him." She knew I was right, and her face admitted it all. "Is it because you were afraid I would date him? Because if that's hwy you're still dating him, you really don't have to worry. I promise. Nick is everything to me, I could never just leave him because of Jacky. Never would that happen. He's not for me. I wouldn't be happy with Jacky because he isn't Nick. Don't you get it?" I tried to get her to understand, but she tuned me out and just went to bed. Awesome.
I went to bed, but didn't sleep. I tossed and turned the whole night, unable to rest myself enough to sleep. I tried calling Nick around 4AM, to see if he was still up, but apparently he'd already gone to bed because he didn't answer.
I stayed awake until I had to get up for work. I got dressed then left without Carly. If she was going to be like that then she could find her own way to work. I wasn't about to deal with that drama again. Not now.
Around 2PM, the cafe was almost completely empty, right after the lunch rush, and I was taking a break, sitting in a booth drinking a strawberry shake. Jacky walked in and looked around until he found me, then sat in front of me.
"Hi there." I sad, not knowing if he was mad at me or not.
"Hey, do you have a few minutes to talk?" He asked.
"Yeah, I just sat down. I have about 30 minutes." I took a sip of my drink, waiting for him to tell me what he wanted.
"Okay. Well, I've been thinking a lot and there's something I have to ask you." I knew exactly what was coming, but waited for the question anyway. "Do you still feel any romantic attraction to me? At all?" It was odd, usually when guys asked this they sounded like they wanted to hear you say "yes", but I wasn't sure what answer he was looking for here.
"In all honesty, no. I don't. But it's not because of you, really, I just got used to thinking of you as a family figure rather then a lover. And plus, I have Nick now. I'm so happy with him, I couldn't look at anyone else like that. But like I said, there's nothing wrong with you, I just have someone more suited for me. I think you and me are best as friends." I explained. I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
To my surprise, he let out a sigh of relief. "That's good. That would have made everything way more difficult." I looked at him as if to have him explain. "If you did have certain feelings for me, then I really wouldn't know who to believe about all of this. If you liked me like that, I'd believe Carly. She said you were lying because you wanted me, but you don't, so it wouldn't make sense for you to try and tear us apart because you'd get nothing out of it. See where I'm going with this?" He asked.
I caught on to his logic. "Yeah, I do. Because if I did like you like that, I would try and break you two up and date you myself." I said with surprise in my voice. You could practically see the little light bulb go on above my head. "You're smart." I laughed, "I would never think like that."
"It's how I roll." He smiled.
"Well, does this mean you aren't mad at me for telling you?" I asked.
"Of course I'm not mad! I mean, I wish you would have told me sooner, but I can see why you didn't. I mean, some kind of girl code I guess,' don't tell the boyfriend or I'll get pissed at you' kind of thing." It was funny how right he was. He had no idea how well he knew women.
We got up and hugged, then Jacky left to go break up with Carly. Did I feel bad that I caused that? Of course I did. But was it my fault Carly kept lying to him? Not at all. Yeah, I should have told him sooner, but that wasn't my place to tell him. That was hers. I just hoped I was being a good friend to Jacky.
I felt terrible that Carly and I were still fighting, I loved her like a sister and it was hard to see her so upset with me. But what do you do? I couldn't be on her side with this one. She lied to Jacky and admitted she wanted me to be single. How could I be on her side?
I didn't want to go home after work that night, but I had no choice. I also knew I couldn't see Nick either, which didn't help my sluggish mood. Nick wouldn't be able to come see me because I didn't want him in the middle of a fight scene and in that tension, and I had to be there or it would only get worse next time I came home. So home I went.
Jacky wasn't there anymore and Carly just sat on the couch, glaring down the TV, probably not even paying attention to it.
I tried to sneak off to my room, but she apparently hear me come in. "He broke up with me, you know." She said, blankly. She didn't sound sad, or happy. She just sounded.. Blank.
I was going to pretend I didn't hear her and keep walking into my room, but she didn't deserve that. "I'm sorry." I said, not turning to her.
"It's all your fault." She said, just as blank.
"You aren't in love with him." I retorted.
"You're right. I'm not. Now I'm just by myself. I can't even pretend to be in love." Our conversation started getting fast, with very quick replies.
"Why would you want to waste your life pretending?"
"Because I can't get anyone else."
"That's not what you said earlier."
"I lied."
"You lie a lot."
"I know."
"Why don't you stop?"
"I like to pretend Marley. Everything is better when it's not real."
"You can't keep living like that."
"Not anymore I can't. Because of you." She got up and walked to her room. She really must have been mad.
I went to my room, feeling a little empty, and I thought about what she said. This was my fault. If I hadn't made such a big deal about Carly being unfair this wouldn't have happened. If I hadn't told Jacky that Carly was lying to him no one would be mad at me. But no. I had to open my mouth and ruin my friendship.
I plopped down on my bed and laid on my back. I took my phone from my pocket and dialed the all too familiar phone number, realizing we hadn't talked all day.
"Hello?" He answered sweetly. It was a bit of a relief to hear his voice, I took comfort in it.
"Hey babe." I smiled, even though he couldn't see it.
"How are you?" He asked, sounding pleasant.
"Annoyed.. Guilty. Am I a terrible person?" I asked, forgetting I hadn't told him about Carly yet.
"What?! No!" He laughed.
I explained the whole thing to him in as much detail as I could remember. I was half informing him, and half getting it all out so it didn't stay bottled in.
"So now do you think I'm a terrible person?" I asked, when I was finally done explaining.
"Of course not." He answered, more seriously this time. "I think what you did is good. He deserved to know. In not telling him you were being just as guilty as she was. But I'm sorry everthing happened like that. I'm sure you and Carly can work it out, I mean, you've been friends forever."
"I know, but we've never fought like this before. I think she hates me." I pulled my pillow over my face in frustration.
"She doesn't hate you. She might think she does, but in the end she'll see that you were right. I promise. I would have done the same thing." I was glad he was great with words.
"You think so?"
"Of course I do." I smiled, feeling a little better about it
"I want a hug." I stated.
"I'd give you one, but I don't know how you'd feel about me snatching you away again." He laughed, referring to the night before.
"I'd love it. But you can't tonight. I'm not risking another fight with her. And I can't ask you to come here, there's honestly too much tension for that." I pouted.
"Aw don't pout." How did he know?
"You're good. How'd you guess?" I giggled.
"I know you. And because I'm pouting about it." He said, making us both laugh.
"Ugh! I miss you again! Why am I constantly missing you?" I asked with a smile still on my face.
"I ask myself the same thing about you." He's good. He is.
"Ha! You're cheesy." I mused.
"Well it seems to be working so I'm just going to keep doing it." He flirted.
"Please do!" I flirted right back.
We laughed a little then sat in silence for a bit. Drowsiness seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. "Hey Nick.." I said quietly.
"Yes?"
"Will you sing to me?" I asked. I knew I could just pop in a CD and listen to him sing that way, but it was much better coming from the source, rather then a CD the whole world can buy.
"Why? Are you tired?" He almost started using his cooey voice. I had to say, that was one of my favorite things.
"Yeah. I didn't sleep last night, then I went to work. I'm exhausted." I said, followed by a yawn.
"Why not?" He asked, and there was the coo. I couldn't help but smile, it was too cute.
"Stressed. Worried. Stuff like that." I said, tiredly.
"Okay. What are you in the mood for?" He asked. referring to songs.
"Anything HIM sounds good." I hadn't listened to HIM in a while and thought it would be interesting to hear him try such a different genre of music.
"Okay then." He said, and started singing "The Sacrament." "I hear you breathe so far from me.
I feel your touch so close and real..." He sang, softly.
I closed my eyes and took in every note, winding down and relaxing. I eventually passed out, but woke back up when I realized he stopped singing. I looked at my phone and it was still connected to the call, but it was silent. I looked at the clock and realized that 3 hours went by. He must have stopped singing long before i recognized it. I could hear his deep breaths, and slight baby snore he did sometimes, on the other end. I smiled and hung up the phone, sending him a text that read; "We fell asleep.. Your baby snore is cute. ;)" Then tried to go back to sleep myself. I knew if I called him back his phone would ring and he'd actually hear it and wake up, but I didn't want to wake him up. I decided, after another hour of trying to sleep, that i should just give up on sleeping.
I hoped that the next day would be easier then the last, but you know how it goes. Nothing gets easier until it gets harder.