Screaming on the Inside

I stepped outside, the chill hair making me hold Nick's hoodie around me closer. Thank heavens he called me back to give it to me.
"How are you?" I asked Jacky, giving him a hug. This hug felt different from what his hugs usually did. It was more heartfelt and maybe even loving?
"Not so great, Marley. That's kind of why I'm here." He explained. "What would you say if I told you I had a confession?"
"I'd tell you to tell me." I smiled.
"I have a confession." His face was serious but his eyes were worried looking.
"Tell me." I said, getting serious as well.
"You have to promise not to get mad." He seemed really worked up.
"I can't, Jacky. I don't know what you're going to tell me. But I can promise I'll forgive you if I do get mad." I tried to reason.
"Well.. Here goes I guess.." He said, nervous. "I'm jealous."
"Of what?" I was completely confused.
"Nick."
"Nick? Why?" I asked, why would he be jealous of Nick?
"He has.. Everything. He has a good going band, a house he can actually pay for, got out of a divorce completely clean, and.. He has you." He looked at the ground, keeping from looking at me.
"Jacky, what are you trying to tell me?" I knew what he was telling me, it was obvious, I just had to hear it from his mouth.
"I have a huge thing for you Marley, I might be in love with you." He spat out, without hesitation.
"You.. Think you l-love me?" I stuttered. I couldn't believe what he was saying. I wanted him to say this for an incredibly long time, but now that I heard it, it wasn't sure if that's what I wanted.
"I do, Marley, I do."
"Why didn't you every say anything before?" I was hoping he was just trying to use me for a rebound so I wouldn't have to be put in a very difficult situation.
"How could I? I was dating your best friend." He had a point.
"Jacky, you can't love me. You can't. I tried to convince him.
"I can and I do. There's nothing either of us can do about that. Just tell me.." He paused. "Do you feel the same? At all? Or even think you could feel the same?"
"I used to, at some part of my life.. But Jacky.. I'm with Nick." I looked at the ground.
Jacky put a hand on my face, lifting it to make me look at him. "I'll wait. Just, leave Nick. Come be with me. We can run away together, anywhere you want. I'll give you everything you've ever wanted, I promise. We can run away and we never have to look back." He whispered. Why was he saying this?
"Jacky, my dad.." He knew what I was going to say.
"He'd understand. You know he would. He's always said 'if you're going to do something drastic, do it for love.' What's stronger then the love I have for you?" What do you say to that?!
"Jacky.. You're assuming things.." I said, not making eye contact. I meant to hint at that he was assuming I said I loved him, because I never actually said that, but I guess he thought otherwise.
"You know we could make this work." He kept going on and on about how we could run away together and never have a care in the world, but I didn't know if that's what i wanted. If he would have said that 2 months ago I would have been all over it, but the situation I was in couldn't allow me to do that. What about my dad? What about making up with Carly? What about.. Nick?
Nick had been cheated on before, she even left him for the guy! How could I do that to him? He would never forgive me. And did I even want Jacky? Even though I hadn't said it out loud, I knew I loved Nick. But was I in love with him? What was I thinking? The question should be if I was in love with Jacky, not Nick.
"I can't do this right now Jacky. Please, I have to go back inside. I don't want Nick to worry or think I ditched him for you." I thought about how ironic that was, seeing as he was trying to convince me to run away with him. "We had plans to watch movies."
"You're making me leave so you can sit at home with your boyfriend?" I couldn't tell if he was hurt or mad.
"Jacky, this is sudden and a huge deal, okay? I can't do that to Nick anyway. Samantha did close to the same thing. How could I put him through that?" I was getting angry, you can't do that to someone, especially someone you love.
"So that's why you won't come with me right now? Because you don't want to hurt his feelings? Babe, I can handle him. Believe me, you won't ever have to talk to him again." That was it. I was done.
"What?! First off, don't call me 'babe'. We aren't dating. And second, how could you say that? He thinks you're his friend! And here you are, talking about running away with his girlfriend!! And even worse, you're trying to tell me to never talk to him again! What's wrong with you?! Do you think I don't care about him? Do you think I'm heartless enough to just walk out on him when he's just starting to be happy again? Of course not!! You have to understand that, whether you like it or not, I love Nick. Okay? I do. There's nothing anyone can do about it, and you know what? I don't want anyone to do anything about it! I'm in love with him and I can't do anything about it, okay? I couldn't stop loving Nick if I wanted!!" I was yelling through most of what I was saying, but hushed my voice into a whisper when I said, "Okay?"
I don't know what made me so mad, and I kind of couldn't believe I blurted all that out. I would have questioned if I really felt that way about Nick, but there was really no denying it. I did and I knew it.
Tears started welling up in my eyes in frustration. Jacky was my friend, how could he do this? I didn't wan to loose him, but I couldn't look at him anymore, I knew I'd cry. And crying in front of people wasn't something I liked to do, even though I was sure Nick was about to get the short end of the stick here and have to deal with my angry tears. I wasn't even sure why I was crying. I was pretty sure it was because I got too upset and confused, I didn't handle stress well.
I shook my head and walked inside, shutting the door so I wouldn't get followed. I tried to choke back the annoying tears that threatened to burst out, but it was impossible.
I saw Nick in the kitchen and walked up behind him, hugging him. I wanted to calm down and be fine before he noticed, but he always knew when things weren't okay. Probably from the experience of the 4 year marriage.
He turned around and hugged me before he realized something was actually wrong. "What's wrong?" I couldn't tell if he was being sympathetic or or protective; either way was comforting to me.
"I don't wan tot talk about it. Can we just go lay on the couch?" I intentionally whimpered a little, knowing he couldn't tell me no. I was a terrible person for not telling him. I felt horrible, but I knew I'd tell him eventually.
"Yes, of course." He said, picking me up and carrying me to the couch where we lay down together, cuddled up as much as we could be. He caressed my face until the tears stopped, which didn't take long. I was just mad. "Tell me what's wrong.." He said, sounding almost desperate. I could tell he hated it when He didn't know why I was upset.
"It's Jacky. Don't get mad, okay? I really need you to be calm about his, because I sure wasn't."
"Okay." He said, cautiously. He was probably worrying.
"Jack told me.. A lot. He said that he was in love with me and that we could run away together and that I never have to talk to you ever again and that he'd give me everything I've ever wanted and all of this shit that I don't wan to hear." I spoke quickly, not looking at Nick. I kept talking though. " I told him that it wasn't okay and that I'm in..." I started, but didn't finish.
"What?" He asked.
"Uhm.. I'm.." I stuttered, trying to find words.
"What is it? Tell me.." He said quietly, not sounding mad or anything.
I looked up at him, hoping , almost knowing he'd feel the same. I was going to move my hand to his face, but I decided to leave them both on his chest where they'd been. "That I.. Well.. I'm.. In love.. With you.." I said slowly, trying to figure out what he was thinking. I prayed he wasn't mad that I told Jacky before him, and that he'd feel the same.