Screaming on the Inside

I woke up the next morning and walked into my room so I could change my clothes. I looked over at the bed, where Samantha was sound asleep. She looked so peaceful and calm. This was the Samantha I missed and loved. The loving, outgoing, and trustworthy girl I asked to marry me.
I got dressed in my long sleeve grayish shirt Johnny gave me, and that I used in a music video of ours, with black skinny jeans and shoes. I straightened my hair, not needing a shower, and put on a thick coat of eyeliner and eyeshadow like usual. I felt like such a girl getting ready for the day, but I couldn't help it. I liked the look.
I grabbed my bag, that I kept all my notebooks, pens, lap top, and a few of our EPs in, and slung it over my shoulder. I took a last look at Samantha, and walked over to her. I bent down at her bedside, and softly kissed her lips. Her eye fluttered open and she just stared at me, questioningly. "I'm sorry." I whispered. I stood up and walked to the door way, then stopped, but didn't turn around. "I love you Mammfa." I said in the same whisper.
I decided not to wait to see if she'd reply to me, so I just went out to my car and drove off to look for a place where I could just sit down a write. I wanted to let out all of my anger and sadness, and the only way I could do that was to write lyrics, and it also helped my band.
I found a little cafe about 10 miles from our house, so I stopped there, seeing a sign that said they had internet service. I grabbed my bag from the passenger seat and went in, seating myself in a small booth in the corner, so no one would really notice me.
Soon enough, a waitress came over to me. "Hi there. Can I get you anything?" She asked.
"Uh, yeah just.. I don't know. Coffee I guess." I wasn't sure why I couldn't just tell the girl what I wanted. I figured I was just too upset and mind fucked by everything going on at home with Samantha and that it was effecting my actions towards other people.
"Are you sure about that?" She smiled sweetly.
"Yeah. That's it.." I said, looking from her to anything else around or behind her way too often. I bet I looked guilty of something by the way I was acting.
Her smile quickly faded, are you okay?" She asked, holding her little notepad and pencil to her chest, looking genuinely sad.
"Yeah. I'm great. Sorry, I'm acting weird. Off day." I tried to explain. I didn't want to freak her out, so I made sure I acted a bit more normal, but my attempts must have not convinced her.
"Do you want to talk about it? You seem.." She paused trying to find the right word to use, I could tell she was trying to not offend me. "Upset.. About something." She sat down on the edge of the booth in front of me. Usually I'd be freaked out by this, but I didn't really care. If she wanted to know, and I could get some of what I was feeling off my chest, then in my mind, she had every right in the world to sit down in front of me.
"Do you really want to sit here and hear a huge sob story?" I asked, making sure she wouldn't change her mind about letting me vent.
Her sweet smile came back and her pretty, flowery, voice came through her pink lips. "I don;t mind. It looks like you need someone to talk to, plus, I'm not very busy if you couldn't tell." She gestured toward the nearly empty cafe.
"Well.. Alright then. If you have time, that is. I don't want to rob you from your work.: I half smiled, trying to make a joke. It wasn't funny, in the least, but she laughed anyway.
"I think it'll be okay, I think my friend Carly has it all taken care of." She said, looking over to the only other waitress there who was sharing a milkshake with some guy, who I assumed was her boyfriend. "Talk." She said gently, allowing herself to be my venting device.
"Alright.. Well.. I don't even know where to start.." I paused, and she just sat there, waiting for me to speak. "I guess I can start back four years ago, when I got married."
"You're married?" She said, not in any particular way, just as a normal question.
"Yeah." I answered, sadly. I liked that she didn't just sit there and listen to me drone on, she asked me stuff and actually took interest in what I was saying. I liked that, it made me feel like she cared, even though she was just a stranger. "I'd been dating her for 2 years before we got married. I honestly though we'd make it together, even though we were young."
"How old were you when you married her?" She asked.
"I was 20, she was 19. Immature right?" I said, in more of a rhetorical way then a question, but she answered anyway.
"No. I don't think so at least. I think if you really love someone, and you're ready to marry, then you should. age shouldn't matter." I took what she said into perspective, I never really thought that way before.
"Hm. Well, anyway," I said, continuing on with my story. "We got married, and I was crazy in love with her. I would die for this girl, not even kidding." I started to stare off out the window, but I kept talking. "We were awesome for the first 3 years, but a couple of months ago, I caught her cheating on me. I came home from tour, and I guess she forgot that I was supposed to be home that night and they were on the fucking kitchen table. Great thing to come home from a long tour to."
"Tour?" She asked.
"Yeah. I'm in a band." I stated.
"What do you do?" She seemed interested in my music, and I was perfectly okay with that. I didn't get to talk about it much.
"I sing." She seemed to get a little excited.
"Really?" She smiled. "I bet you're a great singer. I thought you would be form the beginning, by the way your voice sounds." She made me smile, I thought it was kind of cute that she already had this much faith in me.
"Thanks." I said sheepishly.
"What are you called?"
"Get Scared." I said and got into my bag to grab an EP. I took it our and held it out to her. "Here. This is our first EP, 'Cheap Tricks And Theatrics'." I said. She took it from me and stared at the cover for a moment, then back at me.
"That's really cool. I'll have to listen to this as soon as I can." She flashed me her pretty white toothed smile. "Ha, sorry. Keep talking."
"Okay." I took a breath. " Well we got into a huge fight about this, I mean, come on. How could I not be mad? I come home to find out that my wife doesn't think I"m a good enough husband. So we fought about if for what seemed like forever, and I ended up leaving the house and staying at my guitarist, Johnny's house for a few days. I came back and we made up, but ever since then it hasn't been the same. We constantly fight, I can't be home without fighting with her. I mean, yesterday we got into a fight because I came home late from recording and now she thinks I'm cheating on her. I just.. I wanna be home without all the screaming.." I trailed off, eyes tearing up. I'd never really talked about Samantha and me like this, out loud I mean. I'd wrote songs, but never actually talked to anyone about it. "I love her, but not like this. Her friends are doing everything they can to get us to file for divorce. I don't know if I could handle that. I miss who she used to be. Ever since high school, I'd called her 'my Mammfa', and I was her Nicky.. She hates it when I call her Mammfa now, and I couldn't tell you the last time she called me Nicky. I mean, we were.. Amazing. Samantha has really changed, and hell, maybe I have too. But I'd never really been with anyone else, and I never really want to be, not now anyway. It's just.. The part that hurts the most, is that I would die, just have what we used to have together, and I'll never get it. We will never be what we used to be and there's fucking nothing I can do about it.. To be able to have my Mammfa back in my arms, where she belongs, would be.. It would mean everything to me. But like I said, it'll never happen." I paused, for a long time.
"Can I ask you something?" She said, quietly.
"Of course." I looked over at her, with that sad look on her face.
"Why are you still married to her? She doesn't seem willing to fix what's broken, why do you keep holding on?"
I never really thought about that. Why did I keep holding on? "I don't know." I said, taken aback by the question. "I think.. I think it's just because I have hope, that one day, she'll tell me she loves me and that she wants to be what we once were. Or even, that one day, she'll be her old self again. She'll be the sweet, caring, and lovable girl I gave my whole heart to. But I'm being crazy, because she'll never do that. It'll never happen, I'm just living off of false hope." I said, more to myself then the girl in front of me. At this point, I was going through somewhat of a realization, but I wasn't ready to confront it yet. It was just an option at the time.
"So tell me, where are you going to go form here?" She asked. I knew what she meant. She was asking if I was going to keep putting myself through this, or if I was going to end it.
"I don't know. I want, more then anything, to fix it all and go home to find her waiting by the front door for me again, but I keep having this sort of fantasy, and I know I'm just hurting myself." I explained. "What would you do?" I asked. I just wanted an opinion, I never really had one other then Johnny's or Lloyd's or even Dan's.
"Well, if I were in a relationship where I was wishing that my significant other were who they used to be, I'd probably feel the same way you do. Hurt, upset, probably a little confused." She seemed to know exactly what I felt, I didn't know how she did it, but I liked it. It was good, knowing someone out there understood. "I would go home, and do everything I could to fix it. Starting a fight? Change it. Turn it around so that it can't explode into a fight, make it a romantic night instead. If that doesn't work after so long, that's when I'd give up and move on. After you're absolutely sure that you did all you could to save your marriage."
I half smiled at her. "That's actually really helpful. I haven't gotten anyone's perspective other then my band mates, and they're all single guys, excpet one of them but that doesn't count." That made her smile. I think she could tell that she actually helped me.
"Well. Glad I could help." Her smile got bigger.
"I never asked your name." I said, noticing she wasn't wearing a name tag or anything.
"Marley. I'm going to assume you go by Nick?" She asked.
"Yeah. I do."
"Well, if you want, I can give you my phone number, and if you ever need to talk, I'll be just a phone call away." She offered.
"Yeah. Alright, sounds good." I said. We exchanged phone numbers and before I left, she stopped me at the door.
"Nick!"
I turned around. "Yeah?"
She gave me a hug, and it seemed really heartfelt. "I'm sorry. I hope evreything works out." She said, before letting me go.
"Thank you. For everything." I smiled. We exchanged glances, then I walked back to my car awkwardly. I sat in the car for a while, then finally left, after trying to asses what just happened.