Screaming on the Inside

The second I heard that door slam, I knew it was over. I had little hope of ever getting Marley back. She was TJ's now, just like he wanted. He manipulated her and got into her head in such a short time.. I never even saw it coming.
I sat on the floor, staring into nothingness. I felt as if a vital part of me had just gotten ripped away, and it had. I felt vulnerable, like when a child gets it's baby blanket taken from them because the insensitive parents think they're too old for it. I felt like that small child again, begging for warmth and love, but couldn't find it anywhere. I was even tempted to call my dad. I hadn't talked to him since my mother's funeral 4 years before.
I was truly alone this time. No one was going to run to me and pick up the pieces, I had to do it on my own. But not this night. This night, I would remain broken and unstable. I would be hurt and crushed, but all I could do was bear with it and let it happen.
I could feel it coming. I could feel the incredible rush of sadness take over my whole entire body. I held back, trying not to let it out, but I couldn't take my mind of the pain. I squeezed my eyes shut, and clenched my fists, doing everything I could not to cry.
"Fucking baby." I thought. "You emotional wreck. That's all you'll ever be.. Fucking cry baby." These words ran through my head a thousand times.
There had to be some reason, other than TJ, that she left me. I knew that somewhere inside her, she wasn't happy. She was just new to dating and didn't know what it was like. I felt that she didn't love me because there was a lot wrong with me. I was suicidal. I was depressed. I was over emotional. She saw that I was broken and didn't think she could fix me, or thought fixing me wasn't worth her time. I knew I was a little broken, but I never thought I was ruined. The feeling of my childhood came back, when my favorite toy got broken.
I had a toy truck that my uncle had given me before he died, it was shiny and red.. I thought it was the best thing in the world. I took care of it much better than my other toys, and played with it all the time. I even took it to the store when my mother would take me. But one day, I took the truck to the playground. My mom had taken me there to play with the other kids while she talked to the other mothers. I was really shy, and didn't want to talk to anyone, so my mom had come over to push me on the swings. We were smiling and laughing, that is, until my dad showed up. He was so mad, and I didn't even remember why. He came over and smacked my mom and pushed my from the swing. I was embarrassed that all of the other kids and moms saw that, but he was yelling at me for being a "lazy brat" and he picked up my truck and threw it on the cement, then smashed it with a rock to "teach me a lesson." Needless to say, I was a bit traumatized after that. I knew it was only something as simple as a truck, but to a little kid, that's a big deal. It's hurtful and scary. Some kids carry around stuffed animals for their security, I carried that truck, but then it was gone. I felt like that was all I had to keep me safe, very much like I felt the minute Marley shut that door. The sound of the slamming door and the sound of the breaking truck came rushing back into my head and I couldn't focus on anything but what was happening and the fear that rang through me as a child.
I felt tears in my eyes, starting to sting. I yelled out profanities in anger and hit the walls until my knuckles bled. I didn't even realize that I'd let the tears run down my face until I sat back down on the ground after I repeatedly hit the walls. I felt like such a failure and I hated myself for letting her go. I didn't want to believe that I wasn't going to wake up to her face the next morning, or that I'd never see her genuinely smile at me, or that I'd never hear her tell me she loves me ever again. I felt like TJ was right, I would go back to suicide, but I didn't want to. I wanted to go back to my old ways, the self destructive ways, but there was no way I would let TJ be right. I couldn't let it happen.
I crawled up in bed and cuddled up with my blankets and pillows that still smelled of Marley and let my emotions go, promising myself that I wouldn't do this again. I promised myself I wouldn't let it get as far as suicide, and I promised that I'd never love again. I never wanted to love anyone like I loved her, and I made that internal promise that if it wasn't Marley, than I wasn't getting married. And that was it.
Two days went by and nothing changed. I couldn't eat and slept very little. I drank water from time to time but that was all I could stomach. I was really trying to stay alive and normal as possible, but it was so hard to do when no one was around to lend me a helping hand. I'd called all of the other guys, but apparently TJ got to them first because they never answered my calls and forwarded me to voicemail. They were mad at me too. Great.
I was having an incredibly hard time trying to cope with this sort of loss again. Last time I got depressed, my wife divorced me. This time, my love left me. I wasn't even sure how to function in a normal society by the time a month had already passed.
I hadn't left the house in a month, though I managed to regain eating a bit. I ate snacks here and there, enough to stay alive, but I was weak all the time. I tried taking vitamins, which helped too. I was really just barely surviving. A very hard environment for someone who is prone to death.