Screaming on the Inside

A few weeks of confusion and sadness went by before I got up and tried to move on again. I decided that dating TJ might help my mental state, I thought I wouldn't be so sad anymore. I was only right to an extent, I did feel better, but I soon realized I was just distracted from Nick, and I was fine with it. I just didn't want to think about him anymore.
It was strange though, kissing TJ was very different from kissing Nick. I remembered Nick's kisses to usually be either fun and playful or sweet and loving, whereas TJ's kisses were always lustful and a bit sloppy. I wasn't that big a fan of it, but I overlooked it because I didn't want to compare anymore.
One night, a night that I'd come to regret about two months after I'd moved in, TJ and I were kissing on the couch. It'd been at least a week since I really let myself think about Nick, and I thought I was finally over it. Apparently not. For a while, I pretended like it wasn't TJ rolling his lustful tongue over my lips, I pretended it was Nick's playful way of making me smile while we kissed, though when Nick did it it was much cuter.
I couldn't help but let myself keep thinking it, and in me letting myself think it, I had sex with TJ that night.
I woke the next morning, actually half expecting to wake up to.. Someone else. And when i didn't find who I wanted, I started to cry. It was the first time I cried because I missed him. I cried before, but that was because I was angry at him. Now, I felt like none of it mattered and that I was wrong. Something told me that what he was saying was true. In running that night over in my mind day after day, I slowly started to believe him.
"What's going on with you?" TJ asked a few days after I gave into him.
"Nothing." I lied.
"Whatever, there's something. You've been like this for a while now. Tell me!" He begged like a puppy.
"I don't know. I was just thinking okay? I haven't seen my dad in a while and I miss him so I'm going to go see him today." I got up from the couch and put my coat on that had my keys already in the pocket.
"Want me to go too? You never invite me!" He complained.
"Not this time, I have a lot of stuff I need to talk with him about." I went to go walk out of the door before TJ stopped me and kissed me.
"Bye." He said, not even realizing that I sudden;y found myself a bit grossed out by his touch.
"Mhm, bye." I rushed to the car and pulled out, on my way to my dad's.
When I finally got to my dad's, I was very happy to see him up and walking through the kitchen. "Daddy?" I called through the house.
"Hey there darling! It's been a while! Come into the kitchen! I was just finishing up some lunch! I also got some great news for ya!" He called excitedly.
"What's that?" I smiled. He already had two plates set out with a sandwich on each. Boy did he know me or what?
"I went to the doctor today and he put me on this great new medicine! I feel wonderful! This is really helping a lot." He smiled. No one would ever know how relieved I was to hear that.
"That's great Dad! I'm so happy. Maybe now I don't have to worry about you being alone so much." I gave him a hug.
"I'm not alone all the time miss 'I think I'm the only one that visits Dad'!" He mocked. Wait, what?
"What? Who else comes and sees you?" I asked, a bit concerned that it was Carly.
"Well Nick does." He said, as if I were going to yell at him.
"Nick still comes and sees you?" I asked for confirmation.
"Yeah. He was here yesterday." He admitted.
I suddenly felt a bit closer to Nick than I had in the last two months of not seeing him. I was only a day behind him. "Why does he still come?"
"He just said even though you two aren't together anymore doesn't mean he stopped caring." He looked like he was feeling guilty about talking to Nick, or maybe it was just sympathy for him.
"Oh. How is he doing?" I asked, honestly just wanting to know if he'd moved on.
"He's in pretty bad shape Marley. He's been in the hospital a few times 'cause he's having a hard time eating anything nowadays. He don't take care of himself like he used to, but he hasn't changed. He's still that good boy I know he is." He talked to highly of him, like he didn't do anything wrong.
"Is he with anyone?" I asked.
"Ha! Oh no. I'm apparently the only person he's talked to since ya left him. I don't doubt that. Boy has a lot on his mind, a lot that I like to let him talk to me about.. He's a good kid Marley. I think you should talk to him. There's a whole lot that you don't quite know." I hated it when he talked in riddles.
"What do you mean? Can't you just tell me?" I begged.
"Nope. That's not my place. He's the one that's gotta tell you. Otherwise it won't mean anything." He had a point. Damn it.
"Oh. Well... Forget it then. I can't go talk to him. Not after what I said." I hung my head, knowing Nick had probably told my dad everything and more.
"That was pretty hard to take in. I didn't think you'd say something like that. You knew that was a sensitive subject, didn't you?" I didn't answer, though I knew the answer was yes. "I raised you better than that." He kind of warned, rather than scolded. He was honestly just trying to help me.
We sat through lunch, just talking about Nick and TJ. I tried to keep TJ out of conversation until I got angry and told my dad how I was starting to feel about him. I knew he'd go back to talking to me about real love.
"Darling, you know I'd never steer you wrong, so listen when I say this; You aren't in love with 'ole Thor Jingle Bell, okay?" I had to laugh at the name. Oh my..
"But.." I tried to give him a reason I should stay with TJ, but I honestly couldn't find one.
"But nothin'. You know who is right for you. You just gotta figure out the truth behind what really happened, and you know exactly how to do that."
He was right. I did know how to find out. I did know who was right for me, but there was no way I was going to talk to Nick. I was too ashamed. I hung my head and gave up on ever finding someone like him again.