Screaming on the Inside

Going home to TJ wasn't exactly what I was in the mood to do, but had to. Right before I walked in the door, I thought about why I was with him in the first place. He was sweet, caring, romantic, attractive, funny.. At least, that's what I though when I met him. Anymore I thought he was rude, unattractive, not very serious, and lustful. I wasn't too happy with my life at the time, and really felt like that wasn't where I was supposed to be.. You know what they say; "When you find yourself unhappy, go back to the time that you were happy." Yeah. If only that were possible.
I opened the door to be smothered by my boyfriend, which I would have normally found cute, but got kind of weirded out. "Uhm, hey." I greeted awkwardly.
"Don't talk you'll ruin the mood." He quickly spit out and went back to smothering me.
I couldn't believe he said that. How incredibly rude! I was going to ruin the "mood" if I talked? What mood!? The one where I felt disgusted by the simple touch of his?! Jerk!
I forced my way around him and went to the bathroom so maybe he wouldn't follow me. Instead he got mad about it and we started fighting, I mean really fighting for the first time. "What the hell Marley? You knew what I was trying to do! Why would you stop that?" He complained, pounding on the door.
"Because! I don't want to right now, okay?" I yelled back.
"No! Not okay! Get out here!" He demanded.
"NO! I don't want to! You have a right hand! Use it!" I knew I was being mean, but he could have been more considerate.
"You have a vagina! get out here and use it!" I was surprised by his anger about it all. Why was he so desperate? Was every night not good enough for him? It was sure plenty for me.
"I said no! Go away!" I covered my ears like a child so I didn't have to listen to him anymore.
All I could hear was muffled yelling, him probably telling me to get the hell out or he'd make me. "Leave me alone." I said more annoyed than anything. I started to just ignore everything he said until he finally left the house. In all honesty, I knew damn well where he was going. He was going to a strip club, and he was going to cheat on me. That's how it worked, which was why I never told him no.
I sat in the bathroom and had a mini pity party, feeling bad about my decisions in the last two months. I wished I hadn't left him. I wished I could go back to that night and change it all. But I couldn't. So I had to stop wishing.
I left the bathroom and went straight to bed, not even looking at the time, though I knew it was too early for sleep. I went to my dresser to find PJ's, and got out my favorite pants and put them on. I looked through my closet for a shirt and accidentally knocked one over. I bent down and picked it up, then realized it wasn't mine. I looked it over and automatically knew where it came from. He had lent it to me one night. I guessed I accidentally mistook it as mine and took it with me. I put it on and it made me feel a way I hadn't felt in a long time; in love. I knew I still loved him, but I had to accept the fact that we were over and there was no getting that back.
I went to sleep then, cradling a stuffed animal I found in a box that never got unpacked. I felt sort of alone and depressed, but there was nothing I could do about it. What could I do?
Stay unhappy and be with TJ forever...
I knew that was an option.
Swallow the fear and guilt and go apologize.
The reason I hadn't done that yet, was because I was afraid that he'd move on or that nothing would change, and that would be worse than I already was.
The last image that crossed my mind before I went to sleep was definitely not of my boyfriend. I'd just wished I had the courage to make things the way I wanted them. Maybe one day..