Screaming on the Inside

After five more months of living with TJ, I found myself more unhappy than ever. I went out a lot, making sure I would be at the house as little as possible. It wasn't as fun as it sounds. I didn't go to clubs or try to meet new guys. I usually just walked around town, silently hoping I'd come across a very familiar face. It took a long time, but I finally got my night.
I was walking down the street at about 9 at night, taking in the last of the cold air for the year. I appreciated the small breeze, but more than that, I appreciated the fact that I finally came across the one person I could never get my mind off of. He was laying down on a park bench, staring at the sky with the phone to his ear. I knew he had no idea anyone was around, so I stopped where I was and hid a bit behind a tree, just to listen to him talk. That was really what I wanted the most. I missed his voice, but would never admit it out loud.
"Yeah I know. I just can't get over it. Sorry man." He said into the phone. I wondered who he was talking to and assumed it was Johnny. "No. I'll never.. I can't. It's been so long, there is no way I'm going to dig a deeper whole than I'm already in. She already hates me, she doesn't need to be reminded of the hatred. She probably forgot all about it by now." It was only a little obvious he was talking about me. My dad had told me a lot, but I wished he's tell me more. "How many times? Well the doctor made me stay overnight 4 or 5 times, but the rest I've been able to go home the same night. I just lost my apetite when she left and apparently it's turned into some stupid eating disorder that I'm having a hard time controlling because I apparently have a weak support system and no one to fall back on. Doctors are stupid." He paused to listen. "Even still, you're my support, right? So that's all I need. I don't need Johnny, or Lloyd, or Dan. I don't need any of them."
I was a bit confused. Why wouldn't he need them? Weren't they his band mates? I thought a lot about the things TJ was saying while I tuned him out. I knew he had been talking about a Joel, but I had no idea who he was. It took a while, but it finally clicked. They kicked Nick out. But why? I couldn't wrap my brain around it.
"Sorry, I know.. You what? Why?" He seemed to be getting angry now. "TJ told you what?" He glared at the sky as if it were to blame. "And you believe him? Why is it that when TJ opens his big mouth everyone seems to believe everything he says? You know? He lied to the guys and got me kicked out, he's lying to you and pitting you against me too, he's lied to the Get Scared fans about me, and he lied to Marley which was the start of all of this!" He ranted. I was a bit dumbfounded at all of this. Could I really believe what Nick was saying?
"Whatever. Later." He hung up the phone, tossing it to the ground in anger. I really wanted to approach him, and decided to let myself do so.
I leaned over and picked up his phone and handed it to him. When he noticed who I was his eyes widened and he looked absolutely shocked to see me. "You're going to brake this thing, throwing it around like that." I said quietly.
"Why are you here?" He asked, seemingly still quite shocked.
"I was walking around, bored. Why are you here?" I was surprised to see that we were having a normal conversation. I wasn't sure what to expect.
"I wanted out of the house for once. Didn't have anywhere else to go." He admitted.
I decide to play dumb and act like I hadn't heard a thing. "What about your guys?" I asked.
"Yeah right, like TJ?" He shot. I could taste the bitterness, I knew he still felt a certain way towards us. "None of them talk to me anymore." He came down from the angry outburst.
"Oh. I didn't know. You don't sing anymore?" I was super disappointed, knowing his answer.
"Nope." He said, simply.
"Why not do a project of your own?" I tried to help.
"It's not worth it. I had to delete all of my internet accounts because the haters got so bad. I couldn't even function. Too many people to block." He seemed a bit bitter again.
"Why the haters?" I honestly had no idea what was going on in the Get Scared world. TJ never really mentioned anything about it and I never asked, in fear that Nick's name would come up.
"They told everyone that I'm an asshole and that I haven't been a friend to them in years and that I don't care anymore. Couldn't imagine who gave them that idea." His sarcasm stung a little, but I sure deserved it.
"TJ told them?" I assumed.
"Yeah. He did." He half glared at me, but I could see that I wasn't the pinpoint of his hatred at the moment. "He's been lying a lot in the past 7 months."
"Has he?" I asked, as I sat down next to him on the bench. "Tell me."
"You actually want to hear it?" He seemed surprised by my calm reaction to him. I knew he would expect me to yell at him or something, seeing as how our last encounter went.
"Yeah, I do. I know he's not exactly the most trustworthy person, well now anyway. Believe me, we've had our problems." I admitted, even though I didn't want to admit that my relationship failed.
"Probably, no offense. He's not a one girl kind of guy. There's one lie for you." He was very blunt and to the point, not like he used to be. But I knew that he still had bad feelings toward me for hurting him the way I did. I could easily understand that. "He sure lied about me to Johnny and Lloyd and Dan. He made me loose my career and social networking sites. And he definitely lied to you about me. You were never a rebound. You were never just someone to have around. I can genuinely say that I've never loved anyone the way I've loved you." He said, almost casually except with a lot of hidden emotion that I could see through. "I didn't intentionally try to kill myself that night, it was what I said it was. Wrong dose." He shrugged. His simple way of putting things only made me believe him more. How could I have been so blind?
I wasn't ready to just jump into his arms and let him carry me away like they did in the fairy tales, now was he. We had a lot of talking to do, and even more apologies to exchange, but this was a start. "I wish things hadn't gone the way they did.. He just made everything sound so believable, and I was nervous as is. I always had a fear of loosing you because I wasn't good enough, and I thought that that was what happened." I admitted, feeling completely in the wrong.
"You know, the first morning I woke up alone, I kind of knew that it wouldn't be the last time. I knew something was going to happen. I just didn't thin k it would happen so quickly." He seemed deep in thought, probably reliving that moment when he woke up alone. I couldn't believe I did that to him..
"I'm sorry." I said quietly, not looking at him. I felt too ashamed to let him see my face."Do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?"
"In all honesty, I forgave you the day after you left. I was mad for one day. One. And I was mad because you gave up on me so easily, after everything we've been through. But after that day, I didn't care anymore. I just wanted things to go back to normal. I always knew I couldn't stay mad at you, but I can still feel hurt by you." His light lecture made me feel so small, I hated feeling to guilty.
"I was wrong. I'll admit it. And believing TJ over you was absolutely stupid. I really don't know what ever made me think that I could believe a word he said. He's ruined you, hasn't he?" I was hoping he'd say no, and that he hadn't changed at all. But I couldn't have everything I wanted.
"In a sense, yes. He's ruined my career, my relationships with friends, and the only relationship I ever wanted to be in. He's ruined me in a way that can only touch the outer surface. He hasn't changed who I am, I'm still Nick Matthews. But he has changed my way of thinking and trusting. This is actually one of the first times I've talked to anyone in months, and one of the first times I've been outside. I started smoking again, and drinking." I was surprised he would admit that. I could smell the cigarette smoke on him, but I was hoping that he'd just been around another smoker. Apparently not.
"Why?" I asked, sadly. I'd had this vision of him since the day we met, that he was strong and incredible. I never thought he would give in to drinking again, it made him such a different person.
"Why not? Who would ever know?" The reality of his complete solitary life hit me just then. Once I left, and TJ destroyed his friendships, he really had no one. This somewhat shocked me, but at the same time it was something I already knew. "And plus, who would care if I drank all day and got completely smashed? Who could I possibly be bothering with it if I'm at home?"
"I didn't even think about that." I felt like I was talking to a stranger, he really wasn't acting the way he used to, but something told me that if he quit drinking and smoking and got a little less depressed that he would go back to who he was.
"I know." He said, very knowingly and almost sympathetically. "But that's alright. I never wanted you to feel bad about what happened, because if you did, then it would be for nothing." His way of thinking had really changed.
"I do feel bad.. I've felt bad for a long time. Hearing your name is hard enough, let alone when I go to my dad's house and he tells me how you came to see him." Tears started welling up in my eyes from the thoughts. "I thought I'd never hear from you again, but when my dad told me you'd come every week.. I was so proud of you. I was proud of the fact that my dad wasn't just someone you had to live with to be with me. You actually care about him, and I know you do. If you didn't then you wouldn't have gone and seen him. When I go to my dad's, I always feel just that much closer to you, because I was only a day behind you." I didn't know why I was saying all of this, or even why I felt it, but something was just right about it all. "I've honestly just wanted to see you since I started to realize that TJ wasn't all he'd cracked up to be. I'm just going to admit this now, I've missed you. I miss you a lot." I let a tear slide down my cheek at the amazing amount of emotions flooding back to me. I felt that love I used to feel for him, I felt the warmness of him, and I finally got to feel safe again. I felt like nothing bad could happen while he was around.