Screaming on the Inside

As I drove away from Marley's house, I couldn't help but wonder why I did that.. Twice. I loved Samantha, and she was leaving me, and I kissed another girl? So soon? I was surprised by my own actions, but not as much as I was surprised by Marley's.
The first time I kissed her, it was mostly out of pain and it was something I might have needed more then wanted, but she didn't mind. She didn't back away. She didn't freak out. I thought she would do all of those things, but she just went with it, almost as if.. She wanted it.
The second time I kissed her I was much more conscious of what I was doing. I knew I wanted to, and she made me feel like she wanted it too, so I had to make a decision. Kiss her. Or not. If I hadn't, I knew I would've regretted it. I also knew that if I did, I wouldn't stop thinking about it and probably feel guilty, because by law, I was still married. I never endorsed cheating, but that's kind of what I did, even though we were breaking up.
So was the kiss worth it? I thought so. But was it worth it to her? I didn't know, I almost didn't want to know. I didn't want her to feel forced to do anything with me out of pity, I wanted her to feel a certain way towards me because of her own free will. Not. Pity.
I pulled into my driveway and I felt a little empty. I was relieved Samantha wasn't going to be there, but I was feeling empty because I knew no one would be there. It'd just be me. And who knows what she would want to take once she got home.
I decided to use the microwave while I still could and heated up a bowl of Chicken Ramen Noodles and sat on the couch to watch TV. As you could have guessed, I wasn't paying much attention to the show I was watching. Still thinking. Always thinking.
For the rest of the day, until five that is, I knew I'd just sat around the house, not doing anything or having any sort of purpose, so I called Johnny, Dan, and Lloyd. My best friends and band mates.
They decided that they'd just come over, so I didn't have to be alone when Samantha came, and because they knew I'd let her take whatever she wanted, they were going to "back me up".. Whatever that meant.
The three guys got to my house around 2 and thought it'd be good to sit me down for an "intervention".
"Nick." Johnny started. "I think we should talk about you and Samantha, I know what this is going to do to you. It hasn't hit you yet buddy, but when it does, you're going to feel it. It's all going to come down on you really fucking hard." How blunt of him.
"Thanks Johnny, I feel loads better already." I said with as much sarcasm as I could muster. He set himself up for it, he knew it was coming.
"I'm not done yet." He seemed to be a little serious about this, but I wasn't sure why yet. "You're fine now. Yeah, you're hurting and probably kind of depressed, but the worst hasn't hit you yet. When she leaves, you're not going to be left with much. I know you weren't home last night. You haven't slept in your bed without her yet. That's going to rip you apart, and it'll be worse when you wake up by yourself, with no note as to why you're alone and nothing but what you left behind before you went to sleep the night before. Nick, you're going to feel alone. You're going to feel like no one cares, but you need to know now, before anything happens, that we do care. Us three. And all of our fans, just remember to not let them down. They don't know anything right now, they think you're still happily married to the love of your life." He explained. I must have gotten a sad look on my face, because Lloyd pulled my hair in his direction so I'd look at him.
"Ow.." I said softly before being quickly interrupted.
"Samantha is not the love of your life dude. There is some other chick out there right now, just as broken and lonely as you, waiting for you to sweep her off her feet. You just don't know her yet man." He explained, terribly at that. I knew what he meant though. He was giving me the "There's other fish in the sea" speech. I knew what he was getting at, and I half thought he was right, especially once Marley came to my mind.
"I know Lloyd, but what if Johnny is right? What if I haven't even been through the hardest part yet? To be honest, it's freaking me out and I don't know what to do." This was as personal as it ever got, probably even more so now then ever. We were all dudes, so none of us talked about our feeling or any of that shit, but sometimes, you just need to. You can't make every emotion into a song.
"Well.." Dan started in, "I guess with whatever happens, we'll be here for ya. I mean, it's not like we're going to say 'aw shit, Nick's depressed. Let's get away from that drama!' That'd be terrible. We've been friends for years! You've been friends with Lloyd since, like, the third grade man. It's not like we're going to abandon you when you need help." I appreciated Dan's input the most. He actually made me feel a bit better about it. Lloyd's comments were nice, and Johnny's just scared the shit out of me.
We kept talking like this until Samantha came home, yeah, three constant hours of them trying to make me feel better about something that hasn't happened yet. I didn't even know what they were so afraid of. What did they think I'd do? Try to kill myself?
Samantha knocked on the door and I got up to answer it, I opened the door and she just walked past me, some guy following behind her. He looked familiar... Oh yeah. I had a hard time recognizing him with clothes on.. I hope you catch on.
She started unhooking the microwave and the muscle man picked it up and took it out to his car. She went through the fridge and cupboards and took as much food as one of her nags could carry, that was worth eating anyway. Johnny was going to get up and stop her but I told him no. I was going to let her take what she wanted. Like I've said a thousand times before, if that's what makes her happy and I can give it to her, then so be it.
My friends wondered why I still loved her so much, even after all of this. Hell, I even wondered that too. I came to the conclusion that I didn't love her, I loved the girl she used to be, but I figured that out way too late.
By the time Samantha was done getting what she wanted, there wasn't much left. Of course, she didn't take any massive furniture, but she took all the appliances she could, and Johnny refused to let her take the TV, he watched it more then I did. I was left with all of the necessary things it took to live comfortably, like the bed, couch, fridge, stove, you get the picture. I had almost no food or anything to really eat at all. But on the upside, my house looked clean.
"Dude, I would not have let her get away with all of that.." Johnny said, furiously before she walked out. She just smirked at him in a "Haha, I got what I wanted anyway" kind of way, and Lloyd threw a pillow at her and yelled out "Skank!"
"Stop it. Let her do what she wants." I defended, even though I wasn't even sure why I was still defending her. I figured it was just a habit that didn't really go away, but that's what happens when you're dedicated to one person for 6 years straight.
Samantha left and Johnny, Lloyd, and Dan decided that I shouldn't be alone that night, so they voted Johnny take me to his house. At first, I didn't want to go. I wanted to be alone and just let out whatever it was I needed to let out by myself. I wanted to openly feel how I felt instead of holding it all in so other people don't have to worry, but I told them I'd go anyway. Maybe it really was for the best.
Later that night, while at Johnny's, I looked at the clock and found that it was 10 already. Marley was sure to be off work, so I text her. "Hey."
A few minutes later she replied, "Hi Nick. :)"
"Are you off work?" I asked. I noticed that she typed everything out instead of using text talk, so I felt the need to do the same.
"Yeah. Just got home. Are you coming over?" I wanted to say yes, but I didn't think Johnny would let me.
"Probably not. Johnny is making me stay with him tonight because he thinks being alone is a bad idea and he doesn't know you." I really hope that that didn't offend her or make her mad.
"Aw that's nice of him :) But yeah, I understand. Maybe later then, huh?" I was surprised. Could anything make her mad?
"Yes, of course. :)" I answered.
"So how'd everything go?" I knew she was talking about Samantha.
"It was okay. She took way more then I thought she would, but whatever. I it's all replaceable."
":( I'm sorry. If you need help with anything, you know you can let me know right?"
"Of course. Thanks :)" I didn't want her to worry, not that there was too much to worry about.. Yet.
We ended up talking for the next few hours, and Johnny got curious. "Who have you been texting?" He asked.
"Lloyd." I lied, not expecting his answer.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah.." I slurred. I knew he knew I was lying.
"Then why did Llpyd tweet about 45 minutes ago that his phone was dead and he was too lazy to charge it?" Shit.
"He lied." We both knew I was lying.
"Tell me." His stern voice failed and just made me laugh.
"No." I said, I kind of like the secrecy of talking to Marley, but it was something I knew I couldn't keep a secret much longer.
The next thing I knew, Johnny had tackled me to the ground and tried taking my phone from me. But he was much stronger then I was, so he obviously won.
"Who the hell is Marley?" He asked.
"Stop it!" I was kind of getting mad, because he was going through my messages, but it didn't help that I was already irritated.
"You're going to go see her soon? When?" He asked. He was worse then a teenage girl.
"Don't worry about it." I said, snatching my phone back.
"You tell me who this Marley chick is right now." He demanded. I figured he'd somehow find out anyway, so I figured I should just tell him.
"Marley is a girl I met at the cafe. I was really upset and I felt like writing, so I went to the cafe and she noticed that I was acting weird. She sat down and let me vent to her about everything that's been going on lately. We exchanged phone numbers and we've just been talking." I tried to make it sound as simple as I could.
"So is that who you were with last night?" He sounded like he'd just found buried treasure.
"Yeah. She knew I was freaking out about Samantha and she told me that I could go see her so I could talk about it. No big deal man." I decided to leave out the mall thing. He didn't have to know everything.
"So where'd she have you sleep?" He asked as if it were significant, but I didn't want to lie to him. He was one of my best friends, how could I not tell him?
"We slept on the couch." I said simply, half hoping he'd catch on the the word "we". Secretly, I did want to tell him. I wanted to tell him everything that happened between us. But I had to act like he was getting annoying, so I wouldn't get made fun of.
"We? You mean, together?" He questioned.
"Yeah. We were talking and some stuff happened and we fell asleep on the couch."
"Some.. Stuff?" I knew he'd pry.
"Yeah.. I mean.. I was getting upset and.. Long story short we kissed." I said a bit too quickly.
"Give me details dude! Was she good?" Johnny and his details..
"Well.. I mean, yeah. Duh. I wouldn't have done it a second time if she wasn't." I decided to sneak that in, no matter how true it actually was. I knew he wouldn't ask if I did it twice, but I wanted to talk about it.
"Dude! Twice? That isn't like you.. Who are you and what have you done to my singer?" He asked. It made me laugh.
"Johnny.. I don't know. She just.. Ugh! Something about her makes me feel.. All.." I couldn't find the right words to say, because I didn't even know myself. "I don't know man. I just like being around her and talking to her. Like, when we talk, she listens and cares about what I'm saying, she's not self centered, she's pretty.." My voice faded away but I kept staring off into space, trying to figure out what I was trying to get at.
"You like her." He stated with that awkward smile on his face.
"No man. No way. Even if I did, we couldn't be together until the divorce goes through." I explained.
"Why not?" He wondered, as if it were simple.
"Because! I can't date a girl while going through a divorce! That's sick! And it's not fair to her. I don't even know if she likes me like that.. But I'm not interested in her like that either so it doesn't matter." I lied. I wasn't sure how much of a lie it really was until Johnny said what he had to say about it.
"Yeah you do. Do you remember talking to me about Samantha all those years ago? You were talking about how pretty she was and nice and all that shit, but said you didn't like her and that you couldn't date her. I give you credit though, the excuses as to why you can't date this Marley chick are way better then the reasons you couldn't date Samantha."
"What reasons did I give you back then?" I asked, honestly not remembering.
"'I'm too gross! She'd never like me! Her parents would hate me! It would never work out! We're too different!'" He quoted, in a whiny tone.
"Okay, that's not funny." I said, but Johnny laughed anyway.
Even though I thought Johnny was full of shit at the time, when I went to sleep that night, he couldn't have been more right. I did like Marley. I did want to run to her house, just to kiss her one more time. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but I knew she'd think I was using her as a rebound, which was totally untrue. Rebounds weren't my thing, I hated them actually. She was no rebound, and I never had these urges when I was with Samantha. I never thought about running to her house in the pouring rain for a kiss, I never thought about how my troubles seem to feel like nothing when we're together, and I sure as hell never actually got out of bed and headed out the door at 3AM. It was cold. It was raining like a mother fucker. And I didn't give one single fuck. I was going to go see Marley.