On The Mend

There is not a word in the English language that can describe how I feel when walking into Adam's parent's house. I would know if there were ― I taught English. Awkward and uncomfortable only cover half of the emotions; absolutely horrified and completely in limbo do a decent job of explaining the other half.

“It's been so long!” Adam's mother Deborah exclaims as she squeezes me tightly. At least she doesn't know I'm pregnant. If she knew, she definitely wouldn't have squeezed as hard as she did. “We miss you in these parts, baby girl. Why haven't you come around?”

I look at Adam with wide eyes. “I, uh...”

“She's been super busy at work. She taught an extra class last year and tutors all year,” Adam covers for me. Okay, I guess if we're going to tell one lie we may as well tell six hundred more. “She really has no time to drive to Wisconsin on the weekends.”

“Yeah, I try to fly to Dallas as often as I can,” I smile. “Unfortunately it's not often but one visit a month is better than no visits a month.”

“It's such a shame that you couldn't make it to Philadelphia or the parade afterwards,” Mark, Adam's dad, cuts in. “Adam told us about your stomach flu. It must have been bad ― I can't imagine a Chicago native like yourself not attending such milestones for your city.”

Adam's sister Nikki is staring me down from her spot on the couch. We've always gotten along and she's always been able to read me like a book. I know I'm not going to make it through the night without telling her everything just so she won't try to figure it out herself by questioning me in front of her parents.

“Yeah, it was hard,” I shrug nonchalantly. “But I was really sick. I couldn't look at anything without throwing up. It was the weirdest thing, too! Every time I saw a photo of Adam I could feel bile rising in my throat.”

“Probably because he's got such an ugly mug,” Nikki says with a laugh.

“Do you guys have to team up on me every time you're together?” groans Adam from next to me. “Like Christmas isn't bad enough.”

“Sophie missed Christmas. We've got some catching up to do,” replies Nikki as she stands from the couch. She walks over to me and grabs my left hand. “Let's go catch up,” she says and drags me in the direction of her room.

I give Adam a look and let her pull me away.

Deborah and Mark's house is the typical suburban family home. It's a ranch with four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and a half basement that they've turned into a play area for all the kids in the family. Deb likes to host parties here and Adam's brothers need something to do with their kids when they come over in the winter. The pool in the backyard only operates from June to September and the kids are all too young for the hot tub. Adam's childhood room is directly across from where Aaron and Chris, his twin brothers, used to sleep and Nikki's room is next to theirs. Their parents are at the end of the hall in the room that is the quietest. Lord knows Deb needed quiet after dealing with four kids all day.

Nikki pushes me into her room and closes the door.

“Spill,” she demands and crosses her arms.

“Spill what?”

“Don't play dumb, Sophie. I'm not my parents ― you can't lie to me.” I sigh heavily and plop myself on to her bed. I let myself sink into the feather pillows and Nikki follows my actions after locking the door to ensure our privacy. “Talk.”

“Why do you think something is going on?” I ask her with pursed lips.

“Well for one thing you're not wearing your wedding ring on your finger and I know my brother wouldn't buy you a new one, especially something that god-awfully ugly.”

One glance down at my ring finger and I know that I can't deny anything. I knew in the living room that I'd been caught but thought that maybe I could talk her out of the lie, make her believe she was thinking too far into things. Obviously I was wrong.

“Shit,” is what comes out of my mouth before anything. “Shit fuck goddamn. Son of a bitch.”

“Alright, calm down. Just tell me what the hell is going on before I make up stories and start thinking they're true.”

See, I've always had this problem that when I get caught in a lie I get really, really nervous. When the nerves come, my filter goes and so does my ability to keep calm. Sometimes I get angry, other times I cry like a baby, but most of the time I just swear a lot and pray that I can find a way out of the situation.

“Your brother is a fucking asshole, that's what the hell is going on!” Yelling while trying to keep your voice down is really fun, you should try it sometime. “He put his dick in thirty eight other women and didn't have the balls to tell me. Sharpie told me! I've been trying to divorce his ass for a year and a fucking half but he refused to sign the papers and by the time his bitch ass finally signed the fucking things it was too late and now we have to go to goddamn couple's therapy. Which, by the way, he's using as an excuse to piss me the fuck off. And in the meantime I have to deal with my fucking fiance Brody who has been there since the fall I left Adam and doesn't know when the hell to leave me alone. I swear to fucking God it's like the fucker has me on a radar that goes off whenever I get too far away. I can't breathe around him, Nik. I can't. Oh and to top it all off I slept with your shitty ass brother when I went to get him to sign the papers and now I'm pregnant as fuck with a baby that isn't my fiance's but my husband's. I'm living a fucking Lifetime movie right now. A fucking Lifetime movie!”

I'm crying by the time I finish talking but unlike everyone else, Nikki doesn't comfort me. She doesn't give me a hug and tell me that everything is going to be okay. Nikki isn't like that with anyone ― she's not a softie. I guess growing up with three older brothers will do that to you.

“I'm going to kill him,” she says. “I'm going to chop his dick off and serve it to my dog on a silver platter. Will that make you feel better?”

I can't help but start laughing hysterically which makes even more tears fall from my eyes. This is Nikki's version of comfort. Laughter. And it feels so much better than a hug.

“No,” I tell her, still laughing. “No, that's okay. Maybe this one night with him is what I need. Maybe we can talk without trying to kill each other. For some reason we've always gotten along in this house.”

“I think that's my parent's doing. They kind of make everyone want to love everyone.”

“I hope to find a love like that one day,” I sigh and rub my eyes.

Nikki looks at me and smiles. “Girl, you already have a love like that. You're both just too damn stupid to realize it.”


Sitting down at the dinner table with Adam and his parents makes me think about all the birthdays and holidays that I spent here. We never spent them with my parents. Obviously. They hated Adam from day one. Deb makes the same food every holiday and that's the food that I now connect with home. It's my comfort food: mashed potatoes, turkey, sausage, homemade gravy, and a hundred and twelve other things that I can't eat without my mind flooding back to the times spent at 834 North Huron. It was always a good time with the Burish family and there was never a dull moment. I remember one year Chris got so drunk that he threw up on Aaron who was dressed up as Santa for the kids. I laughed so hard that I cried, mainly because Aaron had to act like it was okay since he didn't want to make Santa out to be a jackass.

Nothing like that has ever happened with Brody's family. The closest they've gotten to crazy is playing poker after dinner instead of dominos. And it wasn't even strip poker.

Tonight, Deb has made spaghetti and meatballs with parsley bread. Mark isn't a fan of garlic. It looks and smells delicious, as usual, and after being told to sit my ass down when I tried to help pass out plates I chose my usual spot: next to Adam, in front of Nikki. If Nikki were here she would be giving me a look again but luckily for me she had to go to work. Deb walks in the room with two plates in her hand and gives a nod towards Adam.

“You'll do the prayer tonight, son?” she makes it sound like a question but everyone knows it's a demand. What Deb says goes.

Adam replies with a nod and reaches for my hand (that's adorned with my ring from Adam, not Brody) and his father's. Deborah sits next to her husband so I set my free hand flat on the table in front of me.

“Heavenly Father, we thank you for the food you've provided for us and the blessings you have placed in our lives. Thank you to my wonderful mother for preparing your gifts. We ask that you please bless this food to our bodies. Thank you, Lord, for hearing our prayers. Amen.”

It's weird, the idea that Adam grew up in a God loving family and I didn't. His family prayed at every meal and before bed, went to church every Sunday, and the children followed through with their communions. My family didn't eat together, we never said goodnight to each other, and I didn't even know what a communion was until I was eight and all of my friends were doing it. Maybe this is because of my father's background in science and my mother's background in not giving a shit but it's still awkward for me to pray with Adam's family. It's always awkward for me to pray in general.

It's not awkward, however, for me to say Jesus Christ on a regular basis.

Dinner goes by quickly due to lively conversation and plenty of laughter which was to be expected of Adam's parents. I swear they're thirty year olds living in the bodies of fifty seven year olds. I help Deb clean up while Adam and his dad kick back in the living room with beers. I go to hand her a dish when I notice the look on her face.

“What?” I ask her, smiling.

“How long have you known?” she's got a twinkle in her eye and it's making me nervous.

“Known what?” Oh God. Please don't let her...

“That you're pregnant, silly girl!”

Fuck my life.

“Oh. Um. I um, I officially found out last week but haven't really told anyone yet.”

“Are you and Adam waiting for it to be a surprise? Did I ruin the surprise? Crap! I'm sorry, baby. I promise to keep my mouth shut!” she pretends to zip her mouth closed and I smile even though on the inside I'm ready to explode.

“How did you know I was pregnant?” I ask and finally hand her the dish from before.

“Baby girl, I've had four kids. I know when someone is pregnant.”

I smile at her because there's nothing else for me to do. “Oh yeah,” I say sheepishly and hand her another dish.

“Are you nervous? Scared? Excited?”

“All of the above,” I reply because it's easier to lie than explain why my excitement level is the same as it would be if someone told me they were going to pound a nail into my foot.

“You'll be fine,” she assures me with a hand on my shoulder. “The first one is always the easiest. You'll be too excited to feel any pain.”

If only that were the case for the rest of my life.


“Bullshit!” Mark yells at me. “I smell what the Rock is cooking and it's all bullshit!”

I pick up two cards from the deck and smile at him sinisterly. True to my word, I placed two sevens into the pile. “Bullshit, huh?” I laugh and shove the middle pile towards him, solidifying my win.

“Good job, babe,” Adam chuckles from next to me, his own cards in the pile I just pushed to his dad. One arm is draped behind my chair and it's weird how normal it all feels.

“What can I say? I'm awesome,” I reply with a hair flip, purposely being an obnoxious winner.

Deb giggles from her spot across from me and gulps down the last of her wine. With a sigh she looks at the time on the oven and places a hand on Mark's arm.

“I think it's time to go to bed,” she says and stands up. She begins gathering the empty bottles of beer and when I try to help she gives me a look and tells me to stay down. “I can handle it,” she tells me. I drink the rest of my water and hand her the glass when I'm done. She leaves the room and I start putting the cards back in their pack.

“You two will be back tomorrow, right? The pool will be open and Deb made her famous whipped pie,” grins Mark, winking at me. I may or may not be able to eat an entire whipped pie by myself and I may or may not have done it two summers ago to prove it.

Be back? This wasn't supposed to go for more than a night. I have to get back to Brody and his family. Even if I kind of don't want to.

“We'll be here,” Adam says quickly and stands. He pulls my chair out for me and clears his throat. “We should get going, babe. I'm tired and I'm sure you are, too.”

I'm tired of a lot of things.

I stand up to hug Mark and kiss both of his cheeks. “I'll see you tomorrow,” I say with a smile even though I won't. “It was good to see you after so long.” Fighting back tears and thanking God that my eyes aren't watering, I head into the kitchen to say goodbye to Deb. When I see her, she's waiting for me with her arms open.

“I'll see you tomorrow, sugar,” she says and hugs me tightly. Adam is standing behind us waiting to say goodbye to his mom. “Take care of that little cupcake,” she whispers into my ear so he can't hear her.

I don't say anything in return. Instead I kiss her cheeks just as I did with Mark and then leave the room swiftly and quietly, headed to the family room to grab my purse. As I'm digging out my keys and blinking to try and stop the stinging from behind my eyes, Adam comes into the room. We don't speak. He opens the door for me and I walk to my car. He follows. I open the door and set my purse on the seat. Then I turn around to face him.

“How could you do this to me?” I whisper angrily, finally allowing the tears to fall. “How could you have me come here and see your parents knowing that I love them more than I love my own parents? And now I have to leave them again.”

“You don't have to,” replies a smug looking Adam. “You could come back here with me tomorrow and see the entire family. Things could be the way they used to be.”

“Don't you get it, Adam? Things will never be the way they used to be!” Even though I'm outraged, I'm still whispering. The last thing I need is for his parents to hear me and come outside to see why I'm yelling. “You cheated on me. I moved on. And as soon as I thought I was done with you forever you show up again and ruin everything. I was happy with him, Adam. I was ready to start a life with him and have kids and be normal again. And then you came back into the picture and I don't want that anymore. I want things to be the way they were. I want me and you and Chicago and staying up later than we should have talking about the dumbest things. I want to call you and gloat when the Bears win and the Packers lose. I want to kick you on to the couch when you do the same thing but when the Bears lose. I want to be okay with loving you because I was ignorant to the things you were doing behind my back. But I can't be okay with that, Adam. I can't. As much as I love you and as much as I always will, I will never forgive you for this. I will try to forget the pain but I can never forgive you for it.”

“Do you think it was easy for me?” Adam asks with a fake laugh. “Do you think it was easy for me when you found out what I'd done? Do you think it was easy for me waking up next to girls I don't remember the names of? Do you—”

“I'm sure it was easy for you when you were fucking them.”

“Sophie, you were and still are the biggest pain in my ass. I can't give you a valid reason for why I did the things that I did but I can apologize endlessly for them. Seeing you with that guy is the biggest slap in the face and I can only imagine how hard it is for you to imagine me with so many other women. I am the world's biggest asshole and I know it. But I also know that you and me are meant to be together, and whether we choose to act on it or not doesn't change that. If I have any say in it we will find our way back to each other, even if it takes a divorce and a thirty year marriage to that uppity, high class guy that you're with now. You can't deny it, Soph, because the things you want are the things I want. I want the smell of your perfume on the sheets and a drain clogged with your hair. I want your constant nagging me about leaving food out. I want you to be my pain in the ass, Soph, not his.”

At this point I can't stop the tears from falling for any longer. They're coating my face softly, a steady flow like a stream through a meadow. They're the tears of a thousand days of pain inflicted on me from this whole mess. They're the tears of oh shit, what am I going to do now? They're the tears of love.

And that's the scariest part.

Unlike he normally would, Adam doesn't try to wipe them away. He just looks at me with a look that I've never see on his face. It's a mix between confusion, curiosity, and caution. Finally, after I'm almost positive that Deb is peeking through the curtains to catch glimpses of us, he speaks.

“You're coming home tonight.”

And, for the first time in a year and a half, I don't fight him. I get in my car and start the engine, Adam gets in his. I follow him back to our apartment—the one I abandoned last summer when he needed to come home. I stay silent in the elevator. His key slips into the lock, turns, and opens the door. I kick off my shoes and shuffle to the bedroom. He follows. It is here, in the room in which we consummated our marriage, that we make love until dawn.

I leave him at nine, while he's still sleeping. I begin the drive back to Brody, back to my finacee and the man I am set to marry. At nine thirty, while I am on a straight and narrow stretch of highway, I get a text from Adam.

Adam: It's not mine.

What? I reply even though I shouldn't. There are no cops around but it's still unsafe.

Adam: The baby. It's not mine. We didn't sleep together in Dallas.

The last thing I see after my phone screen turns black is a cracked windshield and the branch of a tree inches from my face. I pass out before I can see anything else.