Compulsive

I didn't do anything when I got home. I walked inside, numb. I stepped into the kitchen, cupping my mouth in my hands, blood running through my fingers. My mother looked at me, looked back at the dishes, and snapped her head to my lips again.

"Lacey!" she exclaimed, "What happened?" She gripped my chin between her thumb and forefinger, examining the damage. "Lacey, what happened?" Mom demanded.

"I fell. I tripped and fell." I mumbled through swollen lips and blood.

"Rinse out your mouth so I can see how far you split it." She walked me to the sink, hovering annoyingly and holding my hair back while I spit out some blood and scooped water into my mouth. She gasped, put my hair back down, and went quiet. She'd seen the bald spot. It had grown to twice its size on the way back from Aidan's.
My mother never knew what to do when my OCD 'flared' or whatever. She backed away and ignored it, hoping that by pushing it away that it would eventually just get better. It would never go away, or get better.
She focused now on my lips, deciding we needed to go to the hospital for some stitches. I'd split it all the way through. With some ice in the waiting room, I sat and pulled my hair. I hadn't stopped crying. My mother thought it was because my lip hurt, and I guess that was part of it. But I was torn up over Aidan.
Getting the stitches hurt, but I pretended it didn't bother me. My mother made me ice it for the rest of the night, coming up to change the ice pack when it started melting.
But I just laid in bed, counting, plucking hair, occasionally getting up and washing my hands with my old soap. My lips throbbed, my head hurt from crying. I finally fell asleep around three a.m., after counting six times.
I dreamt of Aidan. I didn't ever fully fall asleep, it was more like I was drifting through my subconscious, not resting. Tap tap tap tap. Almost like rain on a tin roof. Tap tap tap tap. It wasn't rain... it was more like a tinkling. I struggled, clawing my way to the surface of my dreams. My fingers grazed the line between sleep and awake, finally breaking through. I opened my eyes and slowly got up. Head rush... I had to grab the side of my bed so I didn't fall. The tapping tinkling was back, coming from my window. I went to it and opened it.
Aidan. I stuck my head out the window, staring at him through the dark.

"Lacey," He said softly. "I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you're okay. We found the blood on our sidewalk. I was so worried."

"Aidan, go home," I said, tears welling up again, and spilling over quickly, dropping on the windowsill.

"Please, Lacey. Please let me talk to you." I shook my head stubbornly, tears slipping sideways over my cheeks. "Please, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Can I come up?" Looking down at him, desperate in the dark, what did you do? I was scared... He'd scared me today. I retreated from my window, grabbing my robe and tip-toeing down the stairs. I came through the back door, seeing him immediately.

"What do you want?" I asked harshly, looking down at my bare feet on the frost-dusted grass.

"I wanted to apologize. It was my disorder... I tried, I'm so sorry." He took a large step closer to me. The lights flicked on at his motion, illuminating our faces. He gasped as his eyes settled on my lips. "What happened?"

"I tripped," I said, putting my hand to the stitches and wincing. I shivered in the cold, only wearing my T-shirt, panties, and my robe. "Go home, Aidan. You're sorry, I get it." I nervously pulled another couple of hairs out of my head. Aidan reached out his hand, like he was going to stop me from pulling out anymore hair, but dropped it before I coulld pull away from him.

"Lacey..." he whispered, hurt. "I know I hurt you... I'm so sorry. It's my personality disorder, I didn't have any control. I'm so sorry," his voice cracked. I couldn't tell if he was crying or not... But of course. It wasn't him, it was the disorder. Why didn't I even think of that?

"You still scared me, Aidan." I whispered, a little muffled through the stitches and swelling.

"I know, I know. I need you to forgive me, please. I think... I know I'm going to love you. I think I already do..." I paused, taking a step back.

"I don't know Aidan. I don't know... It didn't feel like you loved me today."

"I don't want to make excuses, and I know you don't want to hear them... But it wasn't me, not really. It feels... It feels like someone else has taken control of everything." I couldn't say anything to that. I knew how that felt... With the OCD, at first, I have control. That's part of why I did it, but then afterward, when I simply couldn't stop, it wasn't me anymore. It's a part of my brain that takes over and won't let me stop.
Aidan took another step toward me. His hand reached out, this time not dropping, as it cupped my cheek. I wanted to flinch away from it, but I couldn't. I was forgiving him... and it was beyond easy. I leaned my face into his hand.

"I forgive you," I said. His tense body relaxed in relief, he leaned his head down, closer, and I thought he was going to kiss my lips. Instead, he kissed my cheek and pulled me into a tight embrace.

"I'm so... SO sorry Lacey," he whispered into my hair.

"It's okay," I murmured. "Will you come lay with me?" I asked, embarrassed.

"Of course," I took his hand from behind my back and led him inside, up the stairs to my room. I closed the door quietly behind us, took off my robe and crawled under the covers. My bed is only a twin. Aidan hesitantly got in with me, laying behind me and snaking his arms around me. I rolled over, facing him, and cuddled into his chest.

"How many stitches?" he asked, threading his fingers through my hair, stopping and feeling my silver-dollar sized bald spot. "Lacey, what--"

"Seven stitches." I cut him off, ducking my head into his chest.

"Why did you pull all of your hair out?"

"Why do you think?" I said harshly, instantly regretting it as he pulled slightly away. "I was hurt, and sad, and stressed out."

"I'm sorry," he said. I nodded and sighed.

"I know," I said.

"Go to sleep, Lace." Aidan whispered. I nodded, cuddled into him, and started to count. He counted with me until I fell into a dreamless sleep.

///Aidan///

I ran my fingers through her hair as she slept, her head on my chest. She didn't say anything in her sleep, but she moved around some. I watched, her, feeling like a creep.
Would she ever be able to fully trust me again? I'd exploded at her. I don't even know where that came from... of course she didn't cheat on me. She's Lacey. Lacey would never do anything like that.
Her lips protruded from the swelling, like a little duck beak. Her bare legs were entangled with mine (in jeans), and her skinny fingers clutched at my hoodie. I'd brought it with me in case she wanted it back. There was one little tear in it from the thorn bush, but it came out otherwise unscathed.
It grew lighter out, and still my eyes stayed open, still I watched her. There was ice to the left of my head, which I grabbed and held to her tender lips. She didn't stir. I hoped her parents didn't walk in. Lacey never talked much about her parents. I'd never really wondered about it before. But now, in the early hours of the morning, I wondered.
I wondered why she didn't like movies. Why hadn't I asked her?
Around seven, she started to stir, moaning just a little. Her eyes fluttered open, and she started like someone had scared her. Then she looked up at my face and relaxed back into me.

"Morning, Lacey," I said, kissing her forehead.

"Mmm, morning." She yawned, winced, and brought her hands to her mouth. Her fingers pulled away with a little blood on them. She shuddered, looked up at me. "I stretched the stitches I guess." I wanted to kiss her. I didn't want to hurt her, so I held back.

"Does it hurt?" I asked. She nodded. "Are you hungry?" I asked. She nodded again. "Let's go get a smoothie, or something easy for you to eat. Okay?" She stood up, disentangling herself from me, and grabbed a pair of jeans off the floor and pulled them on. I watched her.

"Look away!" She scolded quietly, blushing. I did as I was told. A few seconds later the bed shifted. "You can open your eyes now," She said, and I did to see her about three inches away in a new shirt. She laughed and blushed. "Okay, I was going to do one of those sexy things where you kiss the person and then tell them to open their eyes, but my mouth hurts too badly." I laughed and kissed her cheeks.

"Let's go," I said, standing up and taking off my hoodie. "Do you want it back?" I asked quietly. She nodded, eagerly slipping her arms into the large sleeves and zipping it up. I followed her down the stairs quietly, trying not to wake her parents up. She took her keys out of her pocket, rattling them.

"There's no way I'm letting you drive," I said.

"What? Why?" She asked, surprised.

"You have a bruise on your forehead. Didn't you notice?"

"Umm, no. I guess not. But I don't have a concussion or anything."

"How do you know? Just give me the keys, Lacey." She sighed and tossed them to me, getting in the passenger seat of her car. "So what would you like?" I asked.

///Lacey///

"I want Sonic." I said definitively. Aidan laughed.

"All right," he said as he started my car. I lifted my hand gingerly to my forehead, where Aidan said I had a bruise. Sure enough, it hurt.