Requiem for Hope

What is this feeling? I have that sudden urge again. To pick up my old Toshiba laptop and just start typing away. Having anger travel through my fingers as they cause that sound as I press a key. “Click, Click.” I hear it as I’m typing every single letter. “My thoughts of today?” I silently ask myself. My small white fan runs on the side of my desk and the sound of water flowing makes it’s way through the small gap on my door. It’s silent, It’s peaceful. Now I feel calm and serene. Now? Why is it only now though? It’s like questioning those pizza advertisements…”Now with real cheese.”… What the heck? It’s saying that it was never there to begin with. So now I feel calm and serene, why haven’t I felt it before?
I thought about it in the car… My dad’s friend was continuously speaking in his loud booming voice. It annoyed the crap out of me. Due to that I was unable to be fully exploring my thoughts. I’d hear the occasional story from my dad about his friend. Something like, “Wala na sha. Umiinom lang sha na walang kasama.(He’s nothing. He drinks(beer) all by himself.)” My dad has the friendly yet demanding voice. The demanding part causes me stress… To inform you, he was speaking Tagalog and those weren’t his exact words since… excuse me for my bad grammar in that language. I never took any classes or tried to learn it whatsoever.
I sat on the right side of our old 93’Honda accord. I’d lean on the seat belt strap and think to myself. My hands were shaking and my head felt heavy. I had hatred, envy, depression, anger, and whatever sinful emotion you can name just bouncing around my head(If you thought lust, then you’re still correct.) I thought about something peculiar, these visions in my head, these words flying around. The noise around me sounded as if they were being mixed up and I was just staring at the dark night sky. The last thing I noticed was that our car stopped at a traffic light, and the Verizon Wireless logo and my memory became lost in my own thoughts.
What took control of my mind? Obviously I was thinking thoughts that I shouldn’t, but the scary thing is, I considered it. I saw these words as visions and I wanted to turn those visions into reality. All that was stopping me was my conscience. There are multiple events that can happen after your death, most of it is how you die. Starting from two days ago, I stopped giving a damn what people thought about me. It came to the point where I wanted to express my anger openly and just go home and act as if nothing happened.

I heard it in religion class. “All you are reduced to after you die is a dash on your gravestone. Better make that dash count.”

I won’t make that dash count, but it’s due to the fact I won’t just be a dash. I’ll be paragraphs upon paragraphs on a newspaper. I’ll be a debate in courtroom, a topic on the news. What will I be? A murderer. Was this a perfect idea? No. Now that I think about it I was stupid, but I remember putting it in consideration like I wrote above. Two days ago I stopped caring about what people think, so will I care if people hate me when I die? No, I wouldn’t even know. To me, the external part of the plan was kill the people I hated, actually, just kill someone…anyone. Just come to school one day and start doing that then in end of it, kill myself. What will I gain?
Instant fame? I may sound heartless, but if you think about it media revolves around these kinds of things. Just today in English class, my teacher read a long article about this kid who shot his gay classmate twice at the back of the head. It was apparently big on the news too. I was a bit younger when I heard about another big topic. There was a massacre at this college where the murderer claimed to be a god. He was all over the news, and they released every detail of him and his life. How he acted before it all occurred, he was famous. They would have these hour long discussions on TV about how he was sitting alone and writing these gruesome things. All that, compared to dying from illness, where you are really reduced to a dash, and a death count which you might not even be in if they estimate it.
If you’re reading this then don’t think I’ll go killing other people, I won’t. Don’t do so either. I just haven’t realized the value of a life. I have a baby sister who shows me how hard it is to raise a fully functional human being by just laying there smiling and pooping into her diapers. This was just a few thoughts, and maybe some other day I’ll be extremely positive and it’ll annoy you.
My mom is telling me to clean my room, and put random things into my closet. “Lagay mo yan doon…doon…(“Put that there… there…)” She was pointing with her lips in a way, I wasn’t really checking, but I saw a hint of it. I still have history homework due tomorrow, to take notes and all. I should get to that now.