Requiem for Hope

What made today different from yesterday? I think today I realized what truly makes me happy. What makes my day, and no matter how selfish it is, I need this one person just to keep my own sanity until I learn to grow up. To start with, the person is a girl. May I say that she is different from others? To me she is. Can I say she is perfect? I know she isn’t, but I’m not either. What about her appearance, what do I think about that? Her hair looks smooth, it’s thick and somewhat medium length I suppose. Her brown eyes shine and he skin is light. She reaches to about the height of my shoulders, just a bit higher. I don’t know what she looks like to others, and I know I wasn’t that attracted to her when we first met. Over time her appearance grew on me and she’s become absolutely gorgeous.
If I sound completely obsessive then forgive me, but it’s to give an idea of her appearance. That isn’t important overall anyways. What’s important what’s inside right? Well I would like to say that she is one of the most heartless people I’ve met, but I would be forcing myself to think such a thing. I tell her she doesn’t care about me and such things, but it’s me denying that I want her to care. I want her to show how much she cares and in return I want to show her how much I love her and just thank her in the best way possible.

Yes, that word. L-O-V-E. It’s a stupid adolescent thing I’m probably going through, just ignore it.

The day started rather normal, I’d have a nightmare or a dream and wake up due to that. I’d wake up around four o’clock in the morning, look at my laptop which lays on a computer chair next my bed, and then sleep once more just to once again get up two hours later for school. My dad drove me there, and I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was talking about. He asked me about my schedule and just reminded me of it. I felt rather stressed out.
As soon as the car stopped at the gates in front of the school, I grabbed my bag and walked away as fast as I could into the environment where I could be myself. I still felt a hint of depression from the day before, and I wasn’t feeling well either, so I walked to the library. My school is small, the main building is pretty much a rectangular prism with large windows, all shaded black. The gate where I usually enter has two sets of basketball courts in front of it. Next to the courts were the blue lunch tables under a large blue tent. Blue is one of the school colors deal with it. Jealous? I think so.
Before entering the library I saw her. I could tell from the back of her head, and from her unusually colorful socks. She was talking to her friend who I really can’t stand seeing around. It’s just due to the fact that the person won’t forgive me. It can simply be explained as “awkward” so I plan on apologizing to her for what I did in the future. I escaped my trance and walked on to inside the library. I saw the sets of glass tables in front of me as I entered. I put my backpack on the floor and proceeded outside. That’s actually my only use for the school library.
I walked around a little, and didn’t walk to talk to her due to the fact that her friend was there. What can I say? “Hello sorry to interrupt your conversation, I know we ignore each other all the time so allow me to now talk to you randomly.” I couldn’t think of anything better so I just looked around for other people.
I ended up walking in circles and just came back to where they were and sat with them. I approached them and said nothing, maybe just a simple “Hi” or “Sup”. She had black a black earphone plugged into her left ear and she was staring into her Chinese workbook. I was waiting for it and actually saying it in my head. “Talk to me, Talk to me. I prayed yesterday, why don’t I get good luck now?” Well… she did. Praise the Lord.
I was lost in my thoughts to actually remember what the conversation was about. It started with chocolate pudding and ended with computers…I think… The big picture was what got me though. We were having an actual conversation. To me it was unbelievable since it hasn’t happened for the past two to three months. Simply amazing.
Of course I didn’t mind being late to 0 period just for her. I wasn’t late though, no one was. It was band class and I play the alto saxophone. Mine seems to be out of tune, I should get it fixed. Geometry class which came next wasn’t boring nor entertaining. My teacher has a banner with a crossed out cake on it, which is pretty cool.
Nutrition got me feeling somewhat envious. I’m immature and I admit it. I can’t control my thoughts and my mind feels these things without my permission. I just saw her talking to some other guy, and on the way back to our lockers she completely ignored me and got close to him. Nothing really does ruin my day more than seeing that. Jealousy is very bad, and I just get this terrible feeling in my hear when I see such a thing… especially since she never jokes around with me like that anymore.
I would make a big deal over little things she would do. She has the brightest smile and makes my day. My reason for being jealous is because I just want my relationship with her to be like it used to. I compare how she treats me to other people and well I shouldn’t… I just do because I envy them. She’s gotten tired of me I guess.