The Light That Wraps You

It was amazing to me -- not in a good way, but in a how is this possible way -- that after an entire night spent crying out every emotion, I could wake up the next morning with brimming eyes. It was like I had never stopped, had never even slept.

And it certainly felt like I hadn’t. I had spent the night in Vero’s guest room at the house that she shared with Fleury, and while it was a lovely place, I knew immediately that I would find no rest there. Not only was I emotionally turbulent, dreaming of Kris each time I closed my eyes for more than five minutes and having to go through the pain of losing him all over again, but I had to wake up and live in a house where there were endless amounts of pictures and reminders of Fleury and Vero’s relationship, and everything I no longer had with Kris.

My head hurt from so much crying. I felt hungover and drunk at the same time, sick and afraid and like I was wading through a half-remembered nightmare. Only, in reality, there was no way for me to wake up.

I rolled over, shutting my eyes tight and revisiting the scenes I had lived in the last few days. After Kris had run, I wandered back inside. I was delirious, hysterical, unintelligible. Vero smoothed it over, claiming I’d had just a little too much to drink, a little too much excitement, before she took me back to her hotel room. It took over an hour, but I finally managed to tell her everything: what I had been hiding, how I had never known, and how I had finally been forced to tell Kris. She didn’t know what to say, and truthfully, nothing could’ve consoled me. She held me while I cried and sang me several French lullabies, reminding me of my mother. And what would my mother have said? If she could have seen me then, she would have been ashamed. Who was I, to lose myself over a man? Who was I to fall into the pit trap of love?

Finally, when the strongest of sobs subsided, she started packing. I watched her from my place on the bed. “What are you doing?”

She put a hand on one hip, facing me with a gentle, yet firm expression. “We’re going back to Pittsburgh. You need some time away from all of this. Come on, dry your tears and go gather your things. We’ll leave for the airport in an hour.”

I did as she said, but there was no life in me. I had meant to tell Kris here, soon, whenever I could fit it in between the press and the game, and I knew his reaction was going to be bad, but this… this was not what I had foreseen. And although it would be easy to blame it on Ryan Kesler and Roberto Luongo, I knew that the fault was truly all mine. Kris was right. I had waited so long because I was selfish. That was the bottom line.

I didn’t speak all the way back to Pittsburgh. I just cried. It didn’t seem that anything could stop it. Humans are seventy percent water, but just when I was sure I had exhausted those reservoirs, I thought of something -- Kris’ smile, or the way his hair fell across his face when slept -- and I would go off again . Vero read aloud to me in our secluded corner of the plane from a book that I had brought and eventually the sound of her lilting voice lulled me to sleep.

When I woke, the wheels were hitting the tarmac and we had arrived back in Pittsburgh. It was night, colder and darker than we had left it. We caught a cab to Vero and Fleury’s house, and she offered me food. I said no. I couldn’t eat, even if I had wanted to. My throat felt too swollen, cursed by the words I’d been forced to say. Then, after everything, she tucked me into bed, and I was spirited off on sleep’s swift wings again.

The ringing of the phone woke me this time. It rang once, and I was immediately yanked from sleep, heart hammering and muscles clenching in fear before I realized where I was. I could hear Vero’s soft voice in the kitchen.

She knocked softly on the door fifteen minutes later. “Hey,” she said with a slight smile, poking her head in. “You’re finally awake.”

“What time is it?”

“After ten. You slept a very long time.”

I nodded. I sat up in the bed and smoothed out the blanket around me. “So who was on the phone?” I was sick with hope that it was Kris, so much so that all of my chest ached.

Vero let out a heavy breath. “Well, there was a call now, but then there was also a call last night, while you were sleeping. Which would you like to hear about first?”

I almost stopped breathing. “The one last night.”

“That was Dr. Burke. He called to say that he had arrived back in Pittsburgh, and would be resuming his position on Monday. He asked you to compile a folder for him on the activities that he’s missed, and do a report on everyone’s injuries.”

I had already done that a week ago. I knew this moment was coming, that my time in Pittsburgh was at its end. Now I wished I hadn’t. I wished I had delayed that moment as long as possible, waiting until Sunday night to do every last ounce of paperwork, to squeeze out a few more precious moments. I might have done that, if Friday hadn’t happened.

Friday. How strange that I had thought the day of the week. Like it wasn’t yesterday, like it hadn’t been just twenty-four hours since I had dropped the bomb on what was left of Kris’ life. It felt like it had been a week already that I had been without him. It was strange how before I had never focused on my solitude or dwelled on the fact that I had never been in love, but once I lost something as beautiful as what I’d had with Kris, I noticed the absence more acutely than I ever thought possible.

So, all the stories and songs were true. You really don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it.

“And the second call just now?” I asked, proud of how sure my voice sounded, when in reality, I was anxious and fragile. “Who was that?”

She looked uncomfortable, leaning in her own doorway. “It was Dan.” I hoped my face didn’t betray my disappointment, but what I had been expecting? Kris no longer wanted anything to do with me. “He said that he understood why you came home, and that he wanted to see you before you left. He said he was sorry, that he didn’t think of Dr. Burke coming back, and that it was silly for him to send you to Raleigh.”

I laughed, but there was no joy or humor in the sound. It was just a sound to cover up the hurt. Dan didn't know why I'd left; he thought it was because Dr. Burke was back. If Dan hadn’t sent me to Raleigh, if I hadn’t gone with Kris, where would be now? Would I still be lying, pasting on a happy face each day? Would I have come clean?

“So what now, Lux? What do we do?”

What do we do? There was only one thing to do. I slid out of bed and went to my suitcase on the floor, unzipping it and rummaging through it with my back to her. “I’m going to take a shower and change. Then I’m going to go to Dan’s house.”

“And after that?”

“After that…” I stood, holding onto a pair of jeans and a plain black sweater. “After that, if you don’t mind, I’m going to need your help packing. I’ll catch a flight to Boston tomorrow.”

Her face crumpled like she might cry. Nodding, she left the room without another word.



Dan only wanted to thank me. It was so hard to see him and be around him, especially since he didn’t know anything that had happened in Raleigh. I kept up a smile, though, and hugged him and his wife and son goodbye. It was going to be hard to leave, but at the same time, I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay anymore. Kris wasn’t the only person keeping me there -- I loved his teammates like my own family now -- but after they learned my secret, what would they think of me? There was no longer a future for me in Pittsburgh, so it only made sense that I go.

Vero didn’t talk much as we packed up my small rental into cardboard boxes. It didn’t take very long; I didn’t have that many things. We started Saturday afternoon and were done by Sunday morning. I told her she should watch the game, but she said that helping me was more important.

My flight was at four.

When I had first come to Pittsburgh, I had rented the car in Boston and driven all the way. I didn’t want to do that this time around. I wanted to be out of the state and five hundred miles away as fast as I could leave.

So a certain somebody was going to do me a favor by driving my things back to Boston for me.

Sidney hefted the last box effortlessly into the back of my rental, and slammed the trunk shut. “There you go.”

I eyed him nervously. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

He nodded. “I think it might be what I need right now. When I come back, I can deal with the doctors and the press. Right now, I just want to be alone and have some time to myself, and if that means I get to help you in the process, then why the hell not?”

I stood on my tiptoes and hugged him as tightly as I could, trying not to cry. He was too good a person. He lived a sheltered life, and he deserved the stars.

He buried his face in my hair. “I’m going to miss you, Lux.”

“I’ll miss you too, Sid.” I pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Vous êtes merveilleux.”

He kissed my cheek too, and let go of me. “I wish we weren’t saying goodbye. I wish that--”

I cut him off. “Me too. I wish a lot of things.”

He stared at me intently, before nodding. “Yeah. So do I.”

We hugged once more before he got into the car and drove away. He honked once and I waved; he turned the corner and was gone. He would be in Boston later tonight, just like me.

I turned to Vero. The moment I locked eyes with her, she started chattering. Something about bridges. I frowned. Up until that moment, she had been nearly silent, and now suddenly she was talking a mile a minute. I didn’t know what to think. She didn’t stop all the way to Consol, where I dropped off the keys to the rental house with the front office. Even when we were in the airport, she was still rambling about springtime in the city.

“Vero,” I finally said, just before passing through security. “What is it that you’re trying to say?”

She grabbed my arm, looking wild-eyed. “Don’t go.”

I sighed. “Vero…”

“Please. Don’t leave. You could get a job at one of the hospitals here and stay with Marc and I until you get your own place. You could--”

“Je ne peux pas.”

“Yes, you can! It would work out, I know it would.”

“No, it wouldn’t. Even if I could get past this, how would Kris feel?” Just saying his name caused a lump to rise in my throat. I swallowed hard. “How do you think that would impact his career? He would request a trade, and he would be right to do so. Vero, I broke his heart.” Don't you see? This is all my fault.

She looked so lost and conflicted. “But I know he still loves you, and you still love him. Why can’t that alone be enough?”

I shook my head. “I don’t know, but for whatever reason, it’s not enough right now. He needs time. We both do.”

“So you will come back?”

“I don’t know.” I looked at my watch. “If I don’t go now, then I’ll miss my flight.”

Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Then stay.”

I kissed each of her cheeks quickly. “I can’t. I can’t explain why, but right now, I just can’t."

She wiped her face with her sleeve, smearing some of her makeup. "And nothing will convince you?"

I shook my head. "I have to go home.”

She sniffled but smiled hesitantly at me, like we were sharing a private joke. “Home is where the heart is, Lux.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that, so I just held out my arms for a hug. She hugged me fiercely, telling me she would call me every day (which I didn’t doubt) before she let me go and ushered me towards the line at security.

“I will miss you, Lucinda,” she called behind me.

I looked up from fumbling with my suitcase, turning to tell her I would miss her, but she was already gone.



My apartment was a stranger. I set all my bags down in the entryway and just stood there, taking in the sights and scents that had become foreign to me now. Two months was a long time, and it felt like I had just arrived at a hotel, a temporary sleeping space, somewhere that wasn’t truly mine. It was like the apartment and I were old friends, getting to know each other all over again.

Peter had kept an eye on it for me, but everything was almost entirely untouched. There was just one glass in the sink to give any indication that anyone had been there. There were still magazines from two months ago on the coffee table. There was no mail waiting for me, since I’d had everything forwarded, and I had no cats or roommates waiting for me. I went through and turned on all the lights, dropping my coat purposely on the couch and kicking my suitcase into the middle of the floor so it felt warmer and more lived in than it was.

Then, after pacing around for a while and reacquainting myself, I called Peter. There was nothing else for me to do while I waited for Sid, and if I delayed it any longer, there would be hell to pay later.

“Sunshine! Judging by the area code on my caller ID, I’m guessing you’re back home.”

Home. The word rang hollowly in my mind. I took a deep breath, intending on saying hello and asking him how he’d been and if he wanted to come over later, but to my surprise, no words came out.

“Sunshine?”

Suddenly, without warning, I burst into tears.

Peter let out a breath. “Okay. Tell me everything."