Status: Drabble.
I Thank You
i thank you for your love and your hurt
I have begun to dream again.
And it is because of you, yet, you are not featured in them. You just made me hurt so much that when I collapsed upon my bed at the beginning of the evening, I fell asleep almost immediately. Pain makes me weary. Every day now, every evening, it’s all the same. I fall asleep like I have not slept in years and years and years.
Maybe I haven’t. I do not remember.
And when I awake in the morn, I feel sweaty and clammy. The blankets are always tangled around my still-weary body. My face presses itself into the pillow that never felt so comfortable before, and I remember it’s a new day and I have to rise and face it again. I roll over and attempt to dream again, to sleep again, even if it was but a nightmare. It never works.
You say I do not let things be okay.
I don’t know how to. Stacked upon one another, each thought locked in its own box, the tower growing taller and taller. My very own Eifel Tower, except made of thoughts. Unlock them and you will know my secrets, my insecurities, my dreams, my life. My loves and my hates. But they are too hard to unlock; even you cannot do that. I have to unlock them for you.
You say I need to let you help.
Sometimes I think I am too far gone. Swathes of material hide my pain from everyone else to see but somehow, you manage to make my tears appear in front of you. And you wipe them away, most of the time. But you hurt too. We all do and I wish my mind could comprehend that and understand. When I am in pain, I find it hard to understand anything.
She whispers in my ear that you are not worth it.
I do not listen. You do not know how much I sacrifice for you. Or maybe you do and you just don’t utter a word about it. Maybe you know it is a sore subject. And yet, you make me dream. They do not include you but they are still an escape; sleeping is something I am grateful for. That may seem strange to you. Why would someone be grateful for doing something as simple as sleep? But it is not simple to everyone.
And it is because of you, yet, you are not featured in them. You just made me hurt so much that when I collapsed upon my bed at the beginning of the evening, I fell asleep almost immediately. Pain makes me weary. Every day now, every evening, it’s all the same. I fall asleep like I have not slept in years and years and years.
Maybe I haven’t. I do not remember.
And when I awake in the morn, I feel sweaty and clammy. The blankets are always tangled around my still-weary body. My face presses itself into the pillow that never felt so comfortable before, and I remember it’s a new day and I have to rise and face it again. I roll over and attempt to dream again, to sleep again, even if it was but a nightmare. It never works.
You say I do not let things be okay.
I don’t know how to. Stacked upon one another, each thought locked in its own box, the tower growing taller and taller. My very own Eifel Tower, except made of thoughts. Unlock them and you will know my secrets, my insecurities, my dreams, my life. My loves and my hates. But they are too hard to unlock; even you cannot do that. I have to unlock them for you.
You say I need to let you help.
Sometimes I think I am too far gone. Swathes of material hide my pain from everyone else to see but somehow, you manage to make my tears appear in front of you. And you wipe them away, most of the time. But you hurt too. We all do and I wish my mind could comprehend that and understand. When I am in pain, I find it hard to understand anything.
She whispers in my ear that you are not worth it.
I do not listen. You do not know how much I sacrifice for you. Or maybe you do and you just don’t utter a word about it. Maybe you know it is a sore subject. And yet, you make me dream. They do not include you but they are still an escape; sleeping is something I am grateful for. That may seem strange to you. Why would someone be grateful for doing something as simple as sleep? But it is not simple to everyone.