Happiness For A Pessimist

"Haven?" Garrett whispered quietly staring at me with large eyes full of shock. "That can't be you, you've grown." he laughed rushing to me and tackling me into a hug. "Haven how have you been? Are you crying? It looks like you were crying, why were you crying?" Garrett asked his questions coming out rushed and worried.

"I'm fine." I lied giving him a small reassuring smile.

"Garrett what are you yelling about?" Jared's voice sounded through the hotel room and suddenly he appeared in front of us. His eyes scanned the room finally falling on me. His jaw dropped as he stared at me, "Haven what the fuck I thought you died!" Pat suddenly screamed pushing past Jared who still stood speechless.

Once everyone got over the shock of seeing me we all settled down to catch up.
"So tell us, how's life?" Jared asked taking a pillow and holding it in his arms. "Are you going to school? Do you have a job?" he asked.

I bite my lip and looked down, "I don't go to school anymore." I mumbled bringing my knees up to my chest. "I um I got a j-job." I muttered my voice coming out muffled since I was resting on my knees.

"What kind of job do you have?" Kennedy asked. I stared down at the floor, what do I tell them? That I get paid to sleep with random men? "I uh work at um...Starbucks." I mumbled.

"That's cool, It's just a small side job right?" Jared asked.

I nodded weakly and sat up straighter, "How's the band doing?" I asked changing the subject.

"We're great, we have a new album out." Pat said smiling widely. "Have you heard it? It's really super good if I must say so myself." Pat said bragging slightly.

I shook my head, "Sorry I um hardly have enough money for rent and yeah..." I lied. Of course I knew about their new album, I even heard a few of their songs. But I wouldn't admit that to them other wise I would sound like an extreme stalker.

"That's fine, maybe you should come to our next show tomorrow night. It's going to be bigger than the one we did tonight, we'll give you backstage passes and everything because it's you." Garrett smiled.

I nodded softly before looking down to my lap. "Its that a tattoo?" Pat shrieked grabbing my arm and lifting the sleeves of my jacket. On my hands I had two beautiful tattoos of red roses with cursive lettering of the phrase, Stay True.

"Yeah...it cost a a lot but it was worth it." I whispered staring down at the tattoo. I originally got it as a reminder to stay myself through everything life has thrown at me. "I need to stay true, Right?" I asked looking up to John.

"Any more tattoo's we're unaware of?" Garrett jokes. I blushed lightly and nodded. I kicked off my shoes and socks to show them the tattoo's on my feet. "I have one of my rib cage and a few on my arms." I added as I watched the guys examine the tattoo's on my hands and feet.

"I would never expect you to get a tattoo more less a few more." John whispered looking to me.

"People change John." I hissed lightly. "I need to go, I uh have to get home." I said slipping my socks and shoes on.

"Where do you live, I'll walk you." John immediately said standing up and helping me to my feet.

"Far from here, in a bad part of town. You wouldn't want to go with me." I said.

"I'll come, I can't have a handsome man like you walking down street alone." John smirked already slipping on his jacket. I knew I wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise so I followed him out the hotel and down to the empty streets. We began to walk in silence with a fairly large gap between us.

I was nervous, scared and afraid. I know I wouldn't be able to hide who I've become from John. He's soon find out a realize what a pathetic loser I've become. "Hey beautiful." A husky voice spoke up from the dark. My head shot up and from the shadows a client appeared. "I was looking everywhere for you." he said walking toward me, I could tell he was lusting after me. Wanting to touch me and even take me here in the public street. But then he noticed John standing next to me and he pulled back eyeing him up and down. "Who's this?" he asked.

This client, Jim, was a bit harsh on me. He also had it in his mind that I was his and his only. "Go away." I mumbled grabbing John's hand and pushing past me.

"I'll be looking for you." Jim said pulling me back and kissing my neck slightly. I pulled away and hurried down the street holding onto John's hand. We arrived at my apartment and I lead him up to my apartment. I opened the door and allowed him in, now wishing I cleaned up a bit before I left.

"Nice place." John said eyeing the room. There was a kitchen, bedroom, living room and dinning room in one small space and two doors leading to a bathroom and a closet.

"Sorry if it's messy." I whispered picking up some clothes from the floor and such. "Its late, you should stay here it's unsafe out there." I told him.

"Who was the man?" John asked, he was standing in front of my bookshelf scanning all the books.

"No one." I whispered looking in the closet for extra pillows and blankets.

"He didn't seem like just no one." John said looking to me. "Tell me what's been going on with you Haven."

I shook my head and set up a bed on the couch. "You can take the bed." I said. Soon I felt two arms wrap around me as John kissed behind my neck. "I've missed you." John whispered kissing once more. I quickly pushed him away not wanting him to touch me.

"Please don't John." I whispered walking to the kitchenette and grabbing a glass to fill with water.

"Why not Haven? We love each other." John whispered standing next to me.

"I don't now anymore John. I just don't know." I mumbled walking to the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind me. I took a few deep breaths, but it seemed as though nothing could calm me down. I rummaged through my cabinets finally finding the small box that held a few of my razors. Without a second thought I pressed the razor to my wrist and dragged it across feeling the sharp pain. I hissed softly and fell back against the sink cabinet. After a few more cuts and I cleaned the razor and set it back in the box before washing out my cuts and wrapping them in gauze.

I brushed my teeth and washed my face before exiting the bathroom feeling better than I did when I walked in minutes ago. I walked to the couch to go to bed but John was sleeping peacefully on the couch. I smiled softly at him and walked to my bed curling into the covers and eventually falling to sleep.



"Haven, Haven wake up." John's soft voice rang through my ears and pierced into my dreams. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times before my eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room. I sat up in my bed and ran my hands through my hair, "W-what time is it?" I mumbled yawning softly and stretching.

"Around noon, you were sleeping so soundlessly that I couldn't bare myself to wake you up. You look tired." John said watching as I swung my legs over the bed and rested them on the cold hardwood floor. I yawned again and rubbed at my eyes looking over to John. "Whats that smell?" I asked standing up.

My feet were a bit wobble but I gained my balance easily and stumbled into the kitchen. John had already made me breakfast which included bacon, eggs and pancakes. I bite my lip and my stomach immediately growled desperately wanting to devour the food. "You hardly had any food, actually you had like no food so I took the liberty to stock up some food for you."

"You didn't have too." I muttered sitting at the table with a glass of water in hand. "But I wanted too, when was the last time you went shopping?" John asked setting a plate in front of me and one for himself.

"Awhile ago." I whispered picking up my fork. I started to pick at the food leaving a bunch of small holes in them , but it was better than eating it. "So what are you doing today?" I asked looking up to him.

"Um...I think it's a free day then tomorrow I have a concert which you are coming to then another free day before going to our next venue." John explained shoveling the food into his mouth.

"Wanna come with me?" I asked suddenly pushing my plate away. "I'm getting a new tattoo, on my wrist." I said. "A quote." I added.

John smiled liking the idea of spending time with me. So after John finished eating breakfast we both headed out my apartment and to my local tattoo shop.