Happiness For A Pessimist

I sat on the hospital bed watching as John packed up the small amount of clothes I brought with me. He handed me a fresh change of clothes, "Go into the bathroom and change then we could go to your apartment and pack some clothes for tour." he said. I took the clothes and headed into the bathroom.

I dressed quickly in some jeans and a t-shirt wishing that John brought me a hoodie or something with longer sleeves. I washed my face quickly splashing cold water on my face before drying it and heading out the bathroom. John was patiently waiting for me looking through some folder. "Ready?" John asked as he closed the folder and grabbed my bag. He quickly discharged me before taking me out to the back of the hospital where the bus was parked waiting for us.

"You know we need to talk." John said as he opened the bus door for me. I entered the bus immediately noticing how silent it was which is weird considering these people could never be silent. "Everyone is out." John said noticing my confusion. "So you can have my bunk and I'll just crash on the couch."

"No I'll sleep on the couch." I insisted, I couldn't just take John's bed.

"Haven no, I'll sleep on the couch."

"John just let me sleep on the couch" I almost begged not feeling like arguing with John at this point.

"Fine let's walk to your place then." John said throwing my bag on the couch and heading out the bus. I followed behind him as we walked a few blocks to my apartment. I was nervous to say the least, I mean, I'm paranoid. What if someone sees me that I've slept with and tells John everything.

We got to my apartment and I opened my door allowing John in. I walked to my phone to play my messages as I started to clean everything up. "Hey slut it's me Sean. I've been calling where's my good fuck at?" I quickly ran to turn off the message but John already heard it so it was pointless.

"What was that Haven?" John asked placing my books in a box.

"No one." I mumbled softly pulling my clothes out of my closet and throwing them in a suitcase.

It was silent for a moment as we both continued on what we were doing until John suddenly threw a book at the wall. I jumped in shock and looked to him slightly afraid. "Haven tell me something." John said now that he has my attention. "Why did they find semen in you from different men?" he asked.

I cringed slightly and curled into a ball bringing my knees to my chest. "I-I n-ne-need money." I mumbled against my knees.

"What does that mean Haven?" John asked. "What do you mean you needed..." John stopped there as if he figured out what I meant. "Please tell me you didn't." He whispered quietly.

I closed my eyes and tugged at my hair not wanting to be here right now. I let out a sob and nodded my head confirming what he was thinking. John didn't say anything and I when I looked up to him he was pacing the room running his hands through his hair.

"So you're a fucking whore now?" John asked.

"D-don't call me that." I whimpered tugging at my hair harder.

"That's what you are." John said. "Why would you do this to yourself Haven, why would you sell your body to dirty men that hurt you."

I could tell he was upset. He wanted to punch something I could tell by the way his hands are shaking. "Don't leave me." I begged softly.

John looked over to me with soft eyes, he shook his head and walked swiftly over to me. "I'm not leaving you Haven." he whispered pulling me up and into his arms. "It's just I can't believe you would stoop to that level." he said holding me tightly.

I wanted to tell him that I didn't want to resort to that. I wanted to tell him everything that happened these last few years, but I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to. "Let's go." I whispered.

"What about your stuff?" John asked looking at all my things.

I shrugged. "I'll tell the landlord I'll be gone for a while." I said. John nodded and zipped up my suitcase before turning back to me. "We better get going we're suppose to be at the next venue by tonight." John said leading my out my apartment.



I sat on the couch in the front of the bus with John. We had been on the road for a few hours and I was already home sick. John told me I had to call my therapist that I would be talking to while I'm on tour, I didn't like the idea of having a therapist I would never see in person. "So this is the number, and you call him other day at 3 in the afternoon." John informed me.

"Do I have to." I asked whining lightly. "I don't want to talk to some random guy on the phone for an hour every other day." I sighed handing John his phone back.

"Haven you have to do this." John said handing me the phone back.

"But I don't want to." I mumbled giving John the phone.

"You have to Haven, for your own good." John hissed getting slightly annoyed, and handing me the phone.

I stared down at it and took a deep breath. "Can't I talk to like Kennedy or Garrett or Jared or Pat or even Tim?" I asked. "Or you." I added in a small whisper.

"We're not professionals." John argued. "And besides the doctor at the hospital is going to check and make sure you are calling and making progress."

I sighed and stood up throwing the phone on the couch before storming off the back of the bus. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I didn't want to talk to a random guy. I just want to keep everything hidden, everything locked away.

"John's talking to your therapist." Kennedy said leaning against the doorway to the back of the bus. "Haven you need to talk it out with someone." he said walking over to me and sitting next to me.

"I don't want to." I said bringing my knees up to my chest.

"You're scared to talk about it aren't you?" he asked. I nodded softly and looked out the window of the bus.

"Haven." John said now standing by the doorway. He was holding the phone in one hand, "Dr. Gold wants to talk to you." he said trusting the phone to me.

"John no." I whined pushing his hand away. "I don't want to."

"Haven you're acting like a child." John said trying to give me the phone. I continued to push John away from me with my feet and hands not wanting to talk to anyone. Kennedy was sitting next to me chuckling at the scene. "Just talk to him Haven!" John screamed.

I whimpered and scooted closer to Kennedy. There was talking through the phone and John listened to what the therapist was telling him before he sighed and looked to me, "Sorry for yelling Haven."

"It's fine." I whispered still clinging onto Kennedy. John nodded and kept talking to my therapist before hanging up and slipping his phone in his pocket.

"Haven can't you just grow up." John hissed.

"Give him a break John." Kennedy said defending me.

"He needs to get better, he needs to talk things out." John reasoned.

"I don't want to John." I said uncurling from Kennedy. "It hurts."

"Do you want to talk to us about it?" Kennedy asked softly urging me to tell them everything.

"Not yet." I whispered.