Tuesday's Gone

"Goddammit!"

The back of my hand covered my lips as I tried not to giggle, my skin hot and clammy in the humid wilderness. Brian turned to look at me, his eyes narrowed dangerously as his fishing pole hung loosely in his hands; raising a finger at me, not even speaking a word, he pointed and then turned around, stalking off to sit in the chair he had occupied moments before.

"I thought you're supposed to be the fishing master, Brian."

"Fuck 'ya," he spat, looking at Johnny. "Ain't never seen fish like that before."

"They ain't that bad," Kita laughed loudly, standing midway into the stream as she tried to cast her line out. "You're just used to fishin' in the ocean. Fly fishin' is completely different."

"'Yea," Brian grunted, propping his bare feet up on the cooler. "They fuckin' eat your feet."

I couldn't take it anymore, tossing my head back and laughing loudly as Brian scowled again. His eyes were cloudy and he was obviously upset at the way that things had been turning out for him today; so far not only had a fish attempted to suck on his toes, but he'd also fallen and busted his ass twice on some rocks and he was starting to catch a cold, which apparently was something Brian never done.

"Getting' sick," he groaned, resting his head on his palm. "Ain't never been sick."

"You're outta your element," Jimmy chuckled, clapping him hard on the back. Brian jerked and shook his head, sniffing hard as he glances down into the cooler. "Have a beer and cheer up, son. We're camping, this is supposed to be your thing."

"Mmph," was Brian's reply as he reached into the cooler and yanked a beer out, cracking the top open loudly. "Kill for some pot right now."

"Don't even," I warned, pointing a finger at him. Brian raised his hands in defense after taking a long swig of his beer. "I think it's nice that we're all camping out here tonight."

Kita smiled from her place in the steam, jerking her line as a fish begins to nibble at it. "Got it," she whispered, and a few moments later she was pulling a decent sized fish from the water's edge. Brian eyed her dangerously, leaning forward in his chair as she sat the fish gently down on some rocks, watching it thrash around wildly.

Brian stood up, tossing his head back with another mouthful of beer, and approached the fish quietly. I watched with a huge smile on my face as he leaned over it, eyes still narrowed as he swished some beer inside his cheeks. "Fuckin' ugly ass fish," he said, taking his foot and poking at it softly. "Ain't gonna get my toes, bastard. I'm gonna eat 'ya ass tonight."

"Oh, Lord," I sighed, rubbing my cheeks with my palms. "This is priceless."

"Tell me about it," someone said, and I turned around to see Zach standing behind me, his video camera flashing red. "We're going to remember this."

My heart fluttered dangerously as he winked at me, his beautiful eyes trained on me as he held the camera delicately. Zach walked around the log that I was sitting on, taking the place beside me softly as moved the camera over so I could watch everything he filmed, moving to Johnny and Jimmy, who were both already starting to fix dinner.

It had been almost a week since Zach and I had kissed, and not once had there been an awkward moment between us. The next day I woke up dreading my entire existence, thinking that I would be so tainted with guilt that I'd have to leave Montana all together, but when I opened my eyes and saw his there too, it was a completely different story. I hadn't felt bad for kissing him, I hadn't felt bad for kissing a man that wasn't Matt, and it made me feel as if maybe I had finally started taking the first steps toward recovery.

"You look beautiful today," he whispered, nudging my shoulder with his softly.

"I do not," I laughed, rolling my eyes. "I have no make-up on, basketball shorts, and an old college hoodie. I'm natural today."

Zach shrugged. "I like it."

My cheeks burned slightly as I felt myself blush, but I blew it off and instead watched as Kita tried to lure Brian away from the poor fish, telling him that he could eat it later but he had to stop poking it first. We were all getting tired; the entire day had been lost to trekking up into the mountains on Jimmy's ranch to find this beautiful spot we were at then, with a sunny opening and lots of trees for shade and the flowing stream that looked like it was from a movie.

It was just the adults, Kita's father was taking care of the babies while we all had some time off. Being inside the house for such a long time, it had already done me plenty of good just being out in the open air for a few hours. My back had been aching a lot and although I knew that sleeping on the ground wasn't going to help it much, being able to stretch my legs and take a run was nice.

The sleeping arrangement had caused some problems, mostly because Brian didn't want to sleep around Johnny because apparently the younger is a kicker and we could only imagine hearing their arguments in the middle of the night. So it had come down to Brian and Zach, Jimmy and Johnny, and then Kita and I. Three tents, six sleeping bags, and hopefully a good time... hopefully is the key there, mind you.

"I wanna eat 'em," Brian said, pointing down at the fish as Kita rolled her eyes, glancing over at me. "S'mine."

"Okay," she said, patting him on the back lightly, making Zach laugh. "Whatever you say, buddy."

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Zach's lips pressed against my shoulder as I gazed out over the stream, my knees pressing tight against my chest. His body was warm against mine under the covers, the moonlight casting a white glow over the water before us. I shivered slightly as he kissed my skin again, resting his chin on my back before dipping his head lower and breathing in my scent. I could feel his heart beating lightly against my back, proving that we were beyond close under the blankets.

Everyone had gone to sleep hours earlier but Zach and I had stayed up to watch the way the stars seemed to reflect effortlessly against the water; it was like a mirror image, the blackest sky I'd ever seen in my entire life and the whitest, most brilliant stars thrown across the galaxy like diamonds. It was hard to tell where the sky ended and the earth began, one solid and thorough image connected flawlessly, threading the trees and mountains and grass together; we could hear crickets chipping happily, frogs croaking and bleating rapidly, and we had even noticed a small family of deer pass through to steal a drink at the edge of water as we stayed completely still, watching with innocence as they drank.

I didn't want to think about not ever coming to Montana. Our time there was starting to slowly disappear and soon we'd all have to go back to our old lives; I'd have to return to an empty house that was meant to be shared with Matt, I'd have to go back and hear how sorry people were about my loss, and I'd have to go back by myself. Brian would go back to his shop, Johnny back to his job, Jimmy and Kita would stay here, and Zach...

There was uncertainty there. For the first time in my life, I wasn't sure about what would happen with Zach. He'd always been one to plan things out, take the proper steps of approach and then build a contingency plan just in case, but as of lately that old Zach had disappeared and he had been winging it. Maybe Zach would go back to writing, never giving Montana another thought, or maybe something else would happen. Who knew.

I felt a little bit angry as I dwelled on it and I think Zach picked up on it, bringing his head up from my shoulder for a second to frown and nudge my cheek with his nose. "What's wrong?"

"Nothin'," I said quietly, smiling softly. "I've just got a lot on my mind."

He nodded, pouting his lips a little to kiss my cheek. "Want to talk about it?"

I shook my head. Now wasn't the time, not while everyone was a short distance away and there was the chance that they could hear our conversation. I didn't want them to find out about us like that, overhearing Zach and I discussing what we're going to do after we leave in a few more weeks from Montana. It'd be an upsetting conversation and that wasn't the direction I wanted that moment to take.

Zach's grip tightened around my waist under the cover and I smiled, turning around slightly to rest my head in the crook of his neck, closing my eyes as he began to hum a soft softly, rocking me back and forth a little bit. "This is nice," he said, looking down at me and smiling. "Just us."

"It is," I said quietly, listening to his heart beat against his chest.

There was a new moon that night up in the sky; it was fresh, a new stage in its life as it floated beautiful in the black abyss that had consumed my thoughts for so long. It made me think of myself, shedding my skin while on this getaway trip, attempting to help myself recover from a tragic event; I had once been so lost, so unsure and unclean, but now I had been reborn in Montana, no longer holding back, withdrawing myself from the world because I had seen what a tragedy life can be. There wasn't any use in stopping now, I had to keep going and keep changing because if I did try to quit, I'd backslide into that same emptiness that I had when Matt died. I couldn't let that happen. I had to talk to Zach about all this soon, there wasn't any other way.

Zach rubs his thumb over my forehead softly, smoothing the lines that were there from my severe concentration, smiling at me softly as I relaxed my face. Quietly, he leaned down and kissed me softly, his pouty lips like velvet against my own. I sighed and raised my hand up to cup his jaw, feeling my eyes get heavy with sleep as my mind still raced with thoughts and worries.

"Goddammit, you fuckin' motherfucker! That's my goddamn leg you jus' fuckin' beat the shit out of!"

"Oh God," I whispered against his lips, giggling softly as we turned around to look at the tent where the outburst had happened, watching as Jimmy struggled to get the zipper down on the front of the tent. "Watch him, oh gosh."

Jimmy stumbled out of the tent, hair sticking up in all angles as a tired Johnny poked his head out from between the opening, his eyes almost closed. "Sorry, man, I didn't mean to!"

"I'm sleepin' with Kita," Jimmy said grumpily, stalking past us and pausing as he noticed that I wasn't in the tent with her like he had thought. He turned to us, Johnny already back inside the tent, and a look of confusion came across his face. "You're not with Kita."

I shook my head, lips pursed as I tried not to laugh.

"That means she's alone." I nodded. Jimmy blinked for a few moments, glancing over at Zach and then back at me. "Ya'll are up to somethin' and if I weren't so sleepy I'd investigate 'ya and shit." He stood there for a few more moments, his eyes narrowed as Zach smiled happily at him, still holding me slightly against his chest. "Oh man, ya'll stole Brian's fish and ate it didn't 'ya?"

"No," I laughed, watching as he made an 'o' shape with his mouth. "We're just talking a little bit before we got to sleep."

"Mhm," Jimmy said, nodding as he walked over to Kita's tent. "That's what they all say." He pointed a finger at us before carefully getting into the tent, soft whispers following as he quietly told his wife the situation, and finally silence returned as we watched the tent fall still again.

Zach looked down at me with a soft smile, his thumb brushing over my cheek. "Where were we?"

Our lips met again, a fresh new kiss as the moon still hung heavy over our heads in the night sky, giving broken hearts a chance to be reborn.